28 Weeks Later...And I Finally Update The Blog.

I still haven't seen Skyfall so i'm reviewing this five year old sequel instead.
28 Days Later is praised as having resurrected horror and zombie movies with its groundbreaking blend of a decent story and re-imagining of monsters. Without getting into that whole debate but summing it up with the phrase "running zombies omgwtflolsrsly?", Danny Boyle's independent little gem was doomed to receive a big-budget sequel.

If i need to explain when this film is set, please call your nurse and tell them to better restrict lobotomy patients from internet access. We now follow the tale of Don (Robert Carlyle) who abandons his wife and acquaintances in a cottage full of insane rage-infected zombies, in what is undoubtedly the strongest part of the film and one of the best openings to a horror film i've seen. Unfortunately it's all downhill from there. Having established an interesting and morally questionable protagonist, the film then proceeds to kill him off as quickly as possible, or rather "infect" him which is a whole other issue whining further down the page. Now I'm far from against killing off characters, especially in a horror film where it's pretty much compulsory, even a protagonist is fine, i certainly didn't expect Don to kick the bucket as early as he did. The problem with this twist is that there are no other interesting characters in this film...at all. What's worse is that the writer and director seem to notice this mid-production and never fully settle on a new protagonist.

At first it seems that Scarlet the female military doctor will take precedence with an interesting plot point involving "carriers" of the virus, in other words, people infected with Rage and contagious but not a slavering, mindless, cannibal themselves. Then we get a brief glimpse at some bored snipers and soldiers, the most important of which being Doyle (Jeremy Renner) who will presumably serve some purpose when the inevitable outbreak occurs in the peaceful quarantined section of England where Don and his refugee children are reunited. His son is next in the spotlight and arguably remains fairly central from then on, but apart from a fleeting tender moment with his sister, about missing his mother, he has less character development than the bloody zombies.

They also make a big deal of his heterochromia, probably as it's his only memorable characteristic.

So Don, Tammy (the sister) and Andy (our hero!) are reunited and after explaining that their mother was killed whilst sidestepping details of his own escape and abandoning her, Don takes a backseat to the irritating moronic children, who decide the best thing to do in this situation is ignore the extensive rules about the quarantine and go visit their old house. A brief spark of intrigue rekindles the film as the dopey son discovers his batshit crazy mother hiding in the attic. She introduces the "carrier" subplot as Scarlet examines her and a stereotypical military prick decides the best course of action is killing their only chance of a cure, despite the threat being strapped onto a desk in a locked room inside a military compound.

Meanwhile after Don's children expose his dickish ways to him, he strolls into the facility and makes out with his unhealthy looking wife. Now since the virus can be spread by blood or saliva Don becomes infected and has a brilliantly disturbing fit as he mutates from loving father and remorseful husband to blood belching psycho zombie and if memory serves that's the last high point of the film.

ZombieDon then kills his wife with eye-gouging in a pointless callback to 28 Days and rushes out of the complex, somehow overpowering and infecting multiple armed soldiers along the way. The eye-gouging thing really pissed me off actually, because in the original 28 Days Later it meant something. It was a horribly brutal way to kill someone and it almost convinces a main character witnessing it that the protagonist inflicting it is infected. This brings up some interesting moral questions, heightens the film's tension in its final act and gives the audience some satisfaction in seeing a rapist get his eyes squashed. In 28 Weeks, it's completely meaningless since it actually is a zombie doing it and they've been proven to be quite violent in the past, hence the whole fucking premise of both films. 

28 seconds later and everything's gone tits up, the zombies are running loose, Tammy, Andy and Scarlet are trying to escape "District 1" and the military is ordered to "shoot everything" on the ground because they can't tell who's a zombie and who isn't. The film seems to be trying to recreate the rational but morally questionable military officers of the first film but it doesn't really work since this is a large network of soldiers who should be prepared for such an event whereas the group in 28 Days were few, isolated and starting to lose their minds. And the filmmakers really want you to feel these guys are organised, there is endless military jargon being thrown around as these efficient American peacekeepers stand in formation and march down corridors and loads of other pointless shit that means my 28 seconds joke doesn't actually make sense since it takes a beard-formingly long time for anything to actually happen in this film.

They're called "establishing shots" not "burn into the recesses of your subconscious shots"

 Anyhow, all the military propaganda in the world can't disguise the fact that the "civilian containment area" was placed right next to where the outbreak happened, and the geniuses still utilised it to bursting point until  inevitably the place is overrun with infected. Skip forward and Doyle, Scarlet, the kids and some expendable survivors are attempting to get rescued from Flynn; Doyle's helicopter pilot friend, who is possibly the most unlikeable and badly written character in this entire thing. For some reason he refuses to rescue any of the civilians despite an impending zombie horde and even replies "fuck you pussy" to an uninfected man falling to his death after trying to escape the zombies on the bars below the helicopter.

So Flynn leaves them to die and the group eventually escape the zombies by hiding in a car whilst a random gas cloud floats past. The car doesn't start moving however until Doyle gets out and pushes it, whereupon he's incinerated by a blind military clean up crew. This untimely outbreak of the stupids spreads to the nearby helicopter pilots who despite having absolutely no evidence that zombies can drive cars start shooting at the group of clearly uninfected people driving away from the deadly gas. This is followed by some downright infuriating Blair Witch style footage as Scarlet uses the night vision on a gun to see the two kids scream repeatedly before falling down an escalator. Fucking Chilling.

Oh and even though there's American military everywhere, the audience doesn't need to be reminded every five seconds that the characters are in England. There are frequent, patronising shots of London landmarks and of course the protagonist (whoever the fuck that is) takes the scenic route from Regent's Park to Wembley Stadium then past the good ol' White Cliffs Of Dover and every by jove English thing in between.

It's also worth mentioning that throughout the film, Don keeps reappearing in some apparent hunt for his children, adding a new element of higher intelligence to the zombies, not previously seen. Of course this is never explained nor reaches any meaningful level so we just have Don as a zombie who can hunt specific targets and bludgeon people with the butt of guns for no reason.

I'd talk about the climax of this film but there frankly isn't one. Andy gets bitten but is fine because he's a carrier like his mum, Scarlet gets got by Don and Don gets shot by Tammy. Tammy and Andy meet dickhead Flynn and get carried to supposed safety before we're threatened with the risk of a third film when zombies somehow reach Paris. I think a major factor in this film's quality was both Danny Boyle being replaced by some unknown new director and the writer Alex Garland having a bunch of unnecessary colleagues to help fuck things up. There is so much unnecessary crap in this film and yet the few good ideas it has are completely overlooked and forgotten in favour of gimmicks, empty dialogue and RUNNING ZOMBIES! OMGWTFLMAOASLFFSGTFO...

Lawless - Cinema Review

Lawless makes me increasingly worried about film marketing, as the only reasons i went to see it in the first place were so i could stop seeing the bloody trailer for it everywhere i looked. That said, i don't think the trailer represents it particularly well. I didn't enter the film with low expectations, the promise of Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy and Guy Pearce's fantastic performances definitely sparked some intrigue. I wish i could say director John Hillcoat also drew me in, as the director of one of my favourite films The Road, but i only noticed his contribution in the closing credits.
Some film critic i am.

Thankfully i can say that Lawless is a very good film and if you like any of the actors involved or simply, a good historical crime-drama well told, then i can highly recommend it. I can't measure the setting's and costume's accuracy since i simply don't know history that well, but it works sufficiently to engage you in what feels like a real, developing world. You really notice when the characters leave the dusty, quiet town and enter the significantly larger and modernised inner cities, and similarly whenever characters from either setting enter the other, they blatantly stand out and the film uses this to full effect.

When the youngest Bondurant brother (played by Shia Labeouf...better than you might think) and his friend (Dane Dehaan) enter Chicago attempting to make sales and impress their superiors in the liquor bootlegging business, the aforementioned settings, costumes and cinematography drill in the idea that these guys are way out of their depth and cranks up the tension effectively. On the flipside when Floyd Banner (Gary Oldman) swaggers into Franklin County, where the brothers live, you feel like the devil himself has arrived, and whilst Oldman isn't in the film as much as the persistent trailer suggests, he is masterful in every second that he is.

While it's safe to say Gary Oldman keeps the fear factor tightly by his side, in terms of sheer animosity and seething hatred for a character, Guy Pearce plays the downright slimey Agent Rakes brutally well. A corrupt government officer who brings tyranny to the small town and systematically wades deeper and deeper into dealing with his own dirty work. His hypocritical, uptight, aristocratic mannerisms make him easily detestable but all the more unnerving when he lets free his sinister side, and as the film progresses, his arc, or rather his descent is particularly intense.

Tom Hardy on the other hand is becoming a joy to watch in almost any film, though i wonder if he's trying to create a signature of only playing characters with a humourous verbal tick. It's tempting to say he steals the show but amongst an array of great actors i can only conclude that he is a highlight. Portraying a dangerous and violent thug one minute and a weary but protective father-figure the next, he's a thoroughly engrossing character and will keep you entertained if Labeouf rubs you up the wrong way.

Speaking of whom, i have to say performs well here, and has a clear, meaningful arc throughout the story. Yes he is playing an oafish young guy, awkwardly chasing a girl but it all supports his growth as a character and by the end of the film you have a significantly changed man as he grapples with the harsh realities of his family trade...and if you still don't like the guy, there's a scene where he gets beaten half to death ok?

I would like to say Lawless is flawless but unfortunately it just isn't. It's a tried and tested formula, executed very well but it doesn't bring a great deal new to the table. I suppose being an adaptation from a book based on real events you aren't going to have many bold experimentations happening, but despite this, i feel there are an awful lot of films of a similar nature standing not too far behind. A pitfall it does avoid however is predictability and i can scarcely say more than that without spoiling some of the finer moments.

There are some somewhat dry spells in terms of atmosphere when i feel the film is doing the equivalent of flicking through pages to find a good bit. I was personally disappointed to see a montage towards the later parts of the film, even if i can't imagine a better way to display those events concisely. There is also a rather clichéd expositional voiceover from Labeouf's character at the end of the film which feels more than a little patronising and unnecessary, not to mention out of place when i'm fairly certain the film didn't begin with any narration.

These points don't spoil the film and certainly on a first viewing they can be entirely overlooked, i do wonder however if there isn't a great deal of this film's success riding on the star power (for want of a phrase with reduced cheese) and the fact it features two characters from The Dark Knight Rises and a younger audience favourite for those strange fans of the Transformers movies. Perhaps that's just cynicism talking, i'm not going to let cynicism talk today.

A brief disclaimer here. My film reviews thus far have been dubbed "Cinema" reviews because i understand the cinema experience can alter perceptions of a film and a good cinema film may be different to a good film in general or on dvd say. With that in mind, i apologise for any mistakes i make regarding plot points and character development. I have a pathetically bad memory and don't have the luxury of seeing a film multiple times, but i hope to give you a reasonable idea as to whether a film is worth seeing at a cinema, and i will of course review some films in general/on dvd (at some point).

The Amazing Spiderman - Cinema Review

So whilst Andrew Garfield and Rhys Ifans duked it out in the sewers and above the rooftops, there was a much longer battle waging from the moment the decision was made to reboot the Spiderman film franchise until this new (presumed) trilogy reaches its end. That battle is between the writers and the infamous Barrelman! who traps his foes in a grave-like pit they dug themselves, where their only hope of survival is to scrape through the bottom. Now for fear of this metaphor becoming as unbearable as Spiderman 3 i will say in clearer terms that The Amazing Spiderman is a good, enjoyable film. I have serious concerns however for future films in this series due to a famine of decent characters.

Thanks to Spiderman 3's clusterfuck of Venom, Sandman and Green Goblin, most of the best Spiderman villains have been used up, and whilst it's not impossible for this reboot to simply do them again, i feel without an amazing re imagining to rival The Joker in The Dark Knight, the films will still struggle to grab an audience or show us something new. The other option is digging deeper into the archives but that presents it's own problems in making characters like Mysterio (a green and purple, caped illusionist with a fishbowl on his head) The Vulture (an elderly man in a skin-tight green bird suit) or Tatterdemalion ("an insane, homeless person") intimidating and believable. Future problems aside, The Amazing Spiderman thankfully chose one of the few remaining decent villains; The Lizard...more on him later.

A new cast, crew and creative direction means a different and slightly more realistic style takes precedence as opposed to the strong comic influences of the previous trilogy, and personally i feel it works much better.

A comic book style is a difficult thing to successfully implement in a film without descending into swamps of cheesy dialogue and total loss of connection through unrealistic scenarios. Now why am i talking about realism in a superhero film? Because even though it's not the part everyone remembers, realism is crucial in any superhero story. Batman would not be as admirable if we couldn't relate to a life without our parents, whether you're an orphan or just had a terrifying few childhood minutes lost in the supermarket. We need this real world to be established so it feels satisfying when the hero breaks out of it into fantasy or science fiction.

The Amazing Spiderman keeps a handle on this set-up pretty well and gives enough time to the beginnings of Peter's life with his desires, fears, strengths and weaknesses whilst retaining enough engaging action for a superhero blockbuster. The pacing is one of the real highlights of the film and is enhanced by solid acting from most of the cast. The relationship between Gwen and Peter was awkward without being awkward to watch. Peter Parker is and has always been a geeky, socially inept clown and Andrew Garfield captures this character very well for someone cursed with his good looks. The difference here however is that Garfield is amusing to watch whereas Maguire was much more cringeworthy, i'm not sure whether that is solely down to the acting or whether these scenes are written with the humour primarily in mind, either way there's a lot less cheese and pointless expositional dialogue. Whilst these scenes are funny and overall the humourous side of Spiderman is portrayed brilliantly in this film, on reflection whether Garfield is capturing the true essence of Peter Parker is arguable. 

He must be an outcast, he's the only student in the school with a skateboard...

The plot itself, is different enough without completely disregarding the original origins. The scenes and relationships between Uncle Ben, Aunt May and Peter are heartwarming, moving, amusing and real. I may even go as far as to say that the death in this film affected me more than the 2002 version, it's certainly handled much more naturally and is consequently more brutal and tragic. I felt the brains behind Spiderman were also effectively explored. It wasn't just a case of, "can he punch this guy hard enough" it was more "what can he do to outsmart this guy" which is exactly what Spiderman should be. Outwitting enemies with speed and intelligence, which speaking of enemies was a slightly disappointing début for the character of Curt Connors. 

Rhys Ifans plays the tortured scientist excellently with his passion, friendliness, underlying temper and regrets all displayed subtly and believably. The Lizard unfortunately is something of an eyesore and not in the way he should be. I had heard going into the film that they weren't recreating the long snouted appearance seen in the comics and cartoons, which needn't have been an issue if Ifan's voice acting was up to the task. There are a few moments when the toady, watermelon face comes across as creepy in a Hannibal Lecter kind of way but for the rest and majority of the time it just looks weird and kind of stupid. This is emphasised to the point of comedy with strained but unthreatening dialogue from Ifans, which is a shame because the animal savagery of The Lizard is generally intact within the cgi of the action scenes.

"Poor Peter Parker Picked A Pickled Pepper!"

The action in the film overall, was never a concern of mine, as you'd expect there's destruction, acrobatics and fighting a plenty and whilst some of the scenes from this film played alongside the old trilogy might look very familiar, it didn't stop my enjoyment of it. The cinematography was agile, but precise, which faithfully replicates the movements of Spiderman himself and suits the film perfectly. I'm sure under closer scrutiny the film has it's fair share of flaws and perhaps it balances itself with too many cliches (I am very tired of films starting with childhood recollections), but for the time i was in the cinema i was engaged, laughing and tense (not simultaneously) so whilst this new Spiderman might not be amazing, it is certainly entertaining and that makes it worth a look at least once.

Mass Effect 3 - Extended Cut DLC Review (Warning Spoilers)

I'm going to assume if you're reading this then you are aware of the uproar regarding Mass Effect 3's ending and if not, what's it like on Mars? any Prothean ruins?
Bringing in a new character in the last ten minutes that spoke more shit and ruined more carefully constructed story arcs than Jar-Jar-Bastard-Binks, Bioware, the company behind the game, decided to address their fans displeasure and release the Extended Cut DLC at no extra cost to "clarify" and bring "closure" to the series.

My own reaction to the original ending was sustained confusion for a good number of days before i fully realised the flaws and rage finally settled in. I was so confused by the vague philosophical ramblings of the Starchild/Godchild/Ethereal Wondercunt that i had no idea what any of the choices meant and simply staggered toward my favourite colour with hopeful, desperate eyes. This resulted in Shepard (who i had modelled on myself for extra creepy) wilfully disintegrating himself and causing all the Reapers to suddenly piss off back into space somewhere. 

"Left the oven on sorry" "For fucks sake Dave! we've been planning this for Millennia!"

So do the additional cutscenes and dialogue options fix this horrifically broken series finale?
Well i'd imagine it depends who you ask. We can never know the real intentions of Bioware in this new footage, whether it's still their artistic vision or the conclusion most likely to quell the tide of angry fans. Either way it does soothe the wound and fill in some of the major embarrassing plotholes, first of which being; what happened to your squadmates during the final rush to the Citadel transport beam in London.

There is now a scene showing your squadmates sustaining heavy injuries and Shepard forcing them to retreat. This actually fitted the scene incredibly well, without feeling forced or tacked on. There was emotional intensity in the separation and in my case one of my squadmates was also my love-interest making the farewell particularly poignant.

Admittedly it's slightly unrealistic for this lengthy discussion to take place when there are literally Reapers reaping shit up all around you, but this moment of personal conflict after an entire level of grand scale warfare easily mistakable for Gears Of War London, is very much needed. The next new addition i noticed was seeing Shepard actually blast out of the rear end of the transport beam at the Citadel. I don't recall seeing any criticisms of him just waking up there after entering the beam, after all this is the same kind of teleporter that totalled the Mako in Mass Effect 1, but i suppose it shows more effort than a fade from black.

There's a few extra clips of Shepard examining his surroundings with the invincible, indifferent Keepers still inexplicably mucking around amongst the corpses. Things progress pretty much the same from then up until you reach the Crucible and that presumptuous little prick swaggers onto the scene. Now as a huge fan of this series and an admitted hater of the Starchild character, i instinctively shot the translucent brat as soon as i regained control of Shepard. I then proceeded to shit myself as he actually reacted with demonic acceptance and took my gun to the face as my decision to screw all organic life. This was an amusing and/or terrifying addition to the scene and should address those who played morally Renegade characters or just hated the sparkly canonball. The following hologram message from Liara is also a nice, if more serious feature showing how you can fail and the Reapers apocalyptic cycle continues. 

Once i had reloaded the game (thankfully autosaving before the all important choice) i went with my intended option of the destroy ending and began to suspect the Illusive Man had resurrected somehow when i could no longer control Shepard or shoot my way to the ending. I was frozen, metres away from saving the galaxy, gun aimed but unable to fire, what cruel twist have you implanted Bioware? What didn't you tell us about...oh the game's just crashed.

Once i had reloaded the game again i went with my intended option of the destroy ending which showed the Reapers becoming all dead, limp and floppy-like and an all-consuming red blast engulfing the known universe. Another plothole addressed here was the damage to the Mass Relays; the crucial lightspeed jumpstarts that allow travel across the galaxy. Originally they were completely destroyed but as many pointed out in the criticisms, the Arrival DLC from Mass Effect 2 showed us what happens when a Mass Relay is destroyed and i don't think universal genocide was an ending anyone wanted.

So now the relays are just damaged, the Reapers are dead and the planet Joker and co landed on looking all bewildered and speechless like they suddenly weren't accustomed to exploring alien worlds was just a pitstop, and they soon fly away presumably agreeing never to talk about it again. At this point, the cutscenes felt a lot like fan service. Admittedly i don't know how else they planned to get around these events without remaking the entire ending (i know some Indoctrination theorists would have preferred that) but it still felt rather awkwardly sidestepped, like sweeping a dead body under the rug. Sure you can't see it but you're still going to get a lot of questions about that foul smelling bulge, and how many times can you distract people with your HD telly or electric cocktail mixer?

Oddly, the brief, unclear footage of Shepard's carcass taking an unexpected breath is still present (for the destroy ending only), possibly hinting at future DLC, or a fourth game in the so-called trilogy? Either way it's a possibility emphasised by the new footage of Liara mournfully placing your name on a plaque in all but the destroy ending, where the ending is cut with the name still in her hands.

Anyway the control and synthesis endings were also revamped and in the control scenario we now hear from a synthetic Shepard claiming he has been enlightened and will continue to watch over the galaxy. This is quite weird to see, especially the footage of Reapers repairing the Mass Relays, but it is at least, more in-depth than the ambiguous pile of ashes you were left as before. Upon examining the other endings i noticed a lot is still the same, even in what's been added. The surviving Asari still cheer on Thessia, Wrex still walks to the front of his people on Tuchanka, there is a slight difference in whether, Steve Cortez survives, gets mauled by a husk or doesn't quite get mauled by a husk but overall there is a lot you'll see in all three of the main endings.

The synthesis ending where all organics and synthetics are combined into a new DNA was an interesting alternative to the Anderson or Illusive Man mindsets of the other two options. The extended cut DLC is actually disappointing in this respect in that this great, advanced, evolutionary step turns out to be nothing more than what we had before with green eyes and techno rashes. It also doesn't make sense for the stargazer epilogue where Buzz Aldrin tells some kid a story and explains how "details have been lost".

So this synthetic-organic master race are actually kind of featherheads who must have misplaced their records of the most important galactic biological shift in the universe? Makes sense.

"We must all remember his sacrifice" Or not, y'know, if we're busy...

All of these endings are now far less of a stab in the dark thanks to additional dialogue options with the twatty totalitarian toddler (assuming you didn't shoot him in the face). You can now demand an explanation where he cuts through the bullshit and pours some logic on the "space magic" that cursed the original endings. I'll admit i laughed when i saw "I want details" appear on the screen, but this is what the fans wanted and any media in the science fiction genre really works better with an ending based in logic rather than the supernatural or nonsensical (ahem Matrix Revolutions).

The obnoxious, pre-pubescent, overseer turns out to be a sophisticated AI of sorts and the Crucible itself is basically a big generator for the impending, universal hyperbeam. The writing is pretty solid throughout these explanations and despite another moment where "there isn't time" is juxtaposed by lengthy dialogues and metaphors, the whole scene flows smoothly and efficiently breaks down the high concept ideas surrounding the ending.

Ultimately i'm pleased with the extended cut; even when it descended into slideshows, i couldn't help but smile at the sight of Wrex and Eve's baby Krogan, proving that of all the mistakes made in Mass Effect 3, the series' beloved characters were not one of them...except Kai Leng; that backflipping, cyborg-space-ninja was one of the stupidest and worst thought out characters i've ever seen...

Ok so Mass Effect 3 makes a lot of mistakes, and not just with the ending. The extended cut DLC is an improvement but one that had to be damn near campaigned for, when the game could have and should have featured these things from the start. Many will still be disappointed and for me personally three is still the weakest of the series, but like a relationship that turned sour and ended with your beloved revealing she's a man, it's better to just try and remember the good times, even if they are rendered meaningless by a massive cock of an ending...

Skyrim - An Attempted Review

The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim is a challenging game to review for several reasons, mainly because at times it seems like a rich, thoughtfully designed world with endless choices on how to enjoy yourself, and at other times a creaking glitch fest to rival Superman 64. In an equally confusing way i'm going to start this review with a summary. Skyrim is not a "masterpiece" despite what the critics on the box art claim. Your character does not get stuck in the scenery of a masterpiece, nor do they hear the same five voice actors in as many minutes. The player definitely doesn't witness a mammoth nonchalantly levitating thirty feet into the air before channelling Wile E Coyote and falling to its death as part of a "masterpiece".

Amongst other things, it took me a long time to decide whether or not Skyrim was immersive; a problem additionally hindered by the fact that developers sling the term around more often than Wii remotes on a drunken parent's wrist at Christmas. I certainly didn't feel immersed when an attacking bear would suddenly sprint off into the sea, no longer able to resist its dream of being a grizzly submarine. Yet at other times when trekking through a forest surrounded by gently drifting snow, a majestic orchestral soundtrack and the ominous silhouette of a dragon in the distance, i couldn't help but feel a sense of awe. I ultimately decided that Skyrim is not immersive, despite it's best efforts but is instead incredibly detailed. From the multi textured and layered clothing on NPCs, to the fantastical landscape and it's stirring views from mountaintop or town square, Skyrim is beautifully crafted and one of the best arguments i've seen for aesthetic video game art...as long as no one sees the nearby dog slowly sinking into the floor.

These grainy potato wielded shots don't really do it justice...

I think one of the main reasons why Skyrim has been so well received by critics and players alike is that it allows you to do and be an immense number of things, for which it should be applauded and other games following the linear Gears Of War clone format should stop and take note. Now by featuring dragons, soldiers, wars, sorcery, assassins, werewolves, vampires, cults, demons, romance, tomb-raiding, crime, exploration and property management (and making ninety percent of those optional), the odds are in Skyrim's favour that some of these things will be done well. Dragons for the most part are everything they should be; terrifying, challenging encounters that often come out of nowhere and if you're alone in the wilderness, pit you one on one with a huge angry flying flamethrower.

Unfortunately on the rare occasion the Dragons do glitch out, it is more than noticeable. On my second playthrough i decided to settle down in a place called Riften, where crime runs high but having joined the thieves myself, wasn't a problem. The blacksmith of the town asked me to help out his dying forge, and seeing as a better blacksmith would obviously benefit me, i undertook the quest to find the minerals he needed. How does this relate to glitchy dragons? well once i completed the quest and following it received a chummy welcome whenever visiting my local axe basher, a dragon attacked Riften. I killed the beast before anyone was hurt but since then, every time i return there, the dragon's corpse spawns somewhere instead of disintegrating to a skeleton after its' death and getting out of the damn way.

Though apparently I'm the only one who cares...

This undoubtedly breaks the aforementioned immersion, although when the dead Riften dragon spawned mid-rooftop and slid down to crush my favourite blacksmith i was impressed that he not only stayed dead, but that i received inheritance and his apprentice took over at the forge. I later discovered that it was in fact a random thief that killed him and the dragon merely blocked my view and stopped me doing anything about it. Now that's a nice enough addition whether scripted or possible to befall any of the townsfolk but the dragon rather spoiled it and as charmingly hilarious as these glitches often are, in terms of creating an engaging, immersive world, it shatters the carefully constructed illusion within seconds.

The actual gameplay of Skyrim is rewarding, fun and addictive, there are a few irritating fetch quests and the caves, crypts and ruins sometimes seem duplicated, but for a game world this size to actually be enjoyable in almost every area is pretty impressive. The depth of the combat is a major highlight; there are hundreds of ways to approach every situation and depending on how you upgrade and whether you choose to specialise or spread your skills you may never have two fights the same. When choice is such a major feature, i find anecdotal examples paint a much better picture than this ramble-gabble-tech-spec-speak-fuck.

My first playthrough was as an Argonian; a lizard type man who i levelled up to practically be a ninja. After a fellow lizard double crossed me, i tracked him to a large waterlogged cavern where he was hiding amongst some beefy mercenaries. After several surprise attacks that all ended with my head getting caved in, i took advantage of my Argonian's water breathing abilities and lured individual mercs out for a beating before diving underwater as the cavalry arrived. In a literal rinse and repeat fashion i hid underwater until they gave up searching and then stealthily cornered another in a literal cloak and dagger fashion until i had worn away the entire group. Now that same situation could be handled completely differently depending on how you create your character, which is a process far beyond the initial appearance selection and is in fact interwoven with game's narrative itself. I fully intend to spend my next playthrough as an insane barbarian who charges through everything with a sword bigger than his head, just to offset all my sneaking, playing nice and getting married that i've done thus far...what?...oh fuck you, it gives you the option to get married so i got married alright?......stop laughing!

I haven't played the earlier Elder Scrolls games but it seems that they're constantly catching up with their own ambition which i think is strangely ultimately a good thing. For every stupid or unconsidered choice made there is a another that works flawlessly. The Werewolves for example have a fair amount of attention put into their narrative and gameplay, there are advantages and disadvantages to having the condition and when you transform and maul someone to death it is suitably macabre. The vampires on the other hand, seem little more than an afterthought as enemies for the werewolves. Their advantages and disadvantages amount to little more than status perks, and feeding becomes a trivial annoyance when there is no consequence to it. Nobody dies or becomes infected with vampirism when you bite them, you can only feed on sleeping prey, missing the chance for a wonderfully evil surprise attack and the feeding itself involves no blood and a pink fading filter. Surely alarm bells would ring when designing vampire gameplay and no one mentions blood?


Skyrim also suffers from the Minecraft problem of not explaining how to do several important things. Admittedly the explanations are there but only if you know where to look and there are countless players across the internet asking how to cure vampirism, or buy a house in Windhelm (actually currently impossible due to an almighty bitch of a glitch). So whilst exploration and discovery is rewarding, some things need to be more clearly labelled before the player grows fangs and is chased from every city he reaches trying to find help but greeted only with torch wielding mobs of previously friendly shopkeepers. 

After enduring these shortcomings however there is still such a lot to enjoy in Skyrim and its many bugs and faults have not stopped me playing it more than Mass Effect 3 (a series i had followed from the start).
With Skyrim it's a case of forgiving but not forgetting, an expansive but somewhat unfinished game, that is truly an adventure in that you have to seek out the unique and enchanting moments amongst the confusing and broken.

E3 2012 - Nintendo

Nintendo's conference began with a quaint little introduction where Miyamoto was stalked by a gang of Pikmin. His greetings to the audience then consisted of "I see Pikmin...they're everywhere, they don't even know they're Pikmin", which then brought on some super-imposed hilarity as Pikmin began appearing on the audience. I'll admit Miyamoto using the Pikmin whistle to order the other speakers on stage had some hierarchical amusement to it, but it was getting old pretty quickly.
Miyamoto and his translator then unveiled the ambitious goal of overthrowing the television and games console's dependency on them. Presumably in the long-run they'll eliminate the need for anyone to ever buy Sony products again.

As expected, Pikmin 3 was then announced with some narrated gameplay of the shiny new graphics and more detailed animations. I assume they meant "detailed" and "realistic" was just a poor choice of words for a game about spacemen and armies of multicoloured weeds. They really pushed the idea of strategy in the new game, with motionplus providing precision targeting, new Pikmin types, more leaders and the handheld WiiU screen providing overall map details. The method of controlling the game with the WiiU controller and then glancing at the map seems most effective as having the Wii remote, and nunchuck combo coiled around your wrists and then trying to navigate the map on the Wii U controller sounds frustrating and clumsy.

I can see why they opened with this demo as Miyamoto explained his hope of bridging the gap between casual gamers and complex games, which along with making the television obsolete, is all Nintendo need to do before they can cure cancer and build a giant game studio on the moon.
Still i applaud the ambition and Pikmin 3 looks well thought out, in depth and fun. However if casual gamers ever look at me and my video gaming without pitying amusement, superiority-induced disgust or indifferent bewilderment i will go outside, buy a hat and eat it.

Next, Reggie Fils-Aime took the stage and stressed the conference's limited time frame for a good several minutes. A brief video then gave us more detailed look at the WiiU controller, ranging from the pointlessly obvious ("a, b, x and y buttons" oh right i thought they were switches that toggled between condescension, contradiction, cheese and crazy) to the previously unnoticed or genuinely interesting (built in camera and mic, Xbox style shoulder buttons and triggers).

When this had finished we saw more of the Miiverse which looks to become a cutesy, white facebook with less drunken photos and duckfaces. Reggie referenced Iwata's awkward, online, one man conference and went on to explain the Miiverse functionality within games "demonstrated by an old friend".
Now this probably seemed like a clever, fan-teasing phrase but considering that could be describing any of Nintendo's first party characters, it frankly loses all meaning.

"You've got to have a Mario game" quoted Reggie from the insatiable hordes of Nintendo fans. I felt kind of sorry for Nintendo at this point, like they were trying to send out a subtle SOS, so they could stop rehashing the same 25 year old games. New Super Mario Bros U looked like the same kind of fun it always is, with the obligatory, minimally improved quirks. This time involving whoever drew the short straw from your group of friends being able to place helpful blocks for other players to jump onto...or as is far more likely, trying to break the game and jam your friend's characters into the scenery.

Reggie moved onto third party games and the now familiar Batman: Arkham City logo appeared. They then wisely chose the most irritating, cheesy voice actor from the game to piercingly introduce the president of Warner Bros Interactive Entertainment, which is a stupidly long sentence at the best of times. My initial thoughts were that Arkham City could be pretty interesting on the WiiU, more so eight months ago when the game was first released but beggars can't be choosers i suppose.

The trailer claimed expanded gameplay and the most immersive experience which is great news and incentive for Wii owners who probably didn't need much convincing to buy one of the most successful and well-designed games of last year. For those who own a Wii, yet played Arkham City on another console, i can't imagine they'll fork out the money for a slightly different version with motion controls. I fear this might be a case of too little, too late when most people who were ever going to play Arkham City, already have, with plenty of time to fully complete it.

Next up was Scribblenauts Unlimited, a quirky creative game that seems perfectly designed for the WiiU and could be almost universally enjoyable with it's puzzle-platformer gameplay. The only issue i have is with its' grandeos "create anything" claim which is just asking to be picked apart. For example, can i create a leather washing machine on wheels that dispenses milk and talks German? or a pair of conjoined twins with tourettes and a trenchcoat full of powerful spices? If so, then fair enough, i'm sold.

"It almost justifies my art degree!"

Some more titles were then revealed in a short trailer featuring Darksiders 2, Mass Effect 3, Ninja Gaiden 3 and Tekken Tag Tournament 2 with a bizarre sight when one of it's main characters grabbed a mushroom and doubled in size, in what was probably considered the least likely merging of games since Cooking Mama: Modern Warfare. A nice range of titles then, spanning most genres and as Reggie kept hinting there was much more to be revealed in the coming months.

What followed was a strange sequence involving jovial piss taking of Wii Fit and then immediately trying to sell it again as Wii FitU. Some of the Wii's game titles are becoming ridiculous, how long before they unveil Wii Fit U Into Smaller Clothes So U Get Laid N Stop Cutting Uself?
The trailer then showed some infuriating healthy fuckers looking like pillocks and pretending to sweat. There was the usual assortment of mini-games and their respective calorie burning properties, though with what was presumably an infrared pedometer, one of you can now upload your non-Wii related exercise results to your more agoraphobic friends for gloating benefits. This act of smugness backfires however, when you try to watch television and all you can hear is their strained groaning whilst their gyrating arse distracts you from your programme/work/dinner.

A similar trailer with hip-young pricks followed for SiNG (that's "Sing" for the few people who don't have malfunctioning caps locks). A music party game in the vein of Singstar, Rock Band etc. The trailer was narrated by a Brit seemingly a little too interested in Sing and its party potential as he sounded either extremely hungover or had just had a lung out.
"having that additional screen allowed us to do something quite fun"
Well with testimony like that how can i possibly resist? Now obviously i'm a socially inept cave-dweller but i find it difficult to imagine people actually singing and dancing to this game at house parties, as opposed to someone's ipod on a speaker. These kind of games have exploded in popularity recently but at this point i feel we're on the downhill side of the trend. This means Sing is going to have to provide a bit more than a lyrics sheet to convince people to get into this type of game or abandon their Singstar/Rock Band set ups.

Next onto the stage was the guy from the Hitman games, suppressing his aggression against Reggie who gave him only a few minutes to discuss the 3DS and an entire hour the next day in his own separate show.
"An entirely new 2D Super Mario for 3DS" was revealed which looked remarkably similar to all the other "New" Super Mario Bros titles on DS from previous years and was not "clearly different from the new Wii U Mario game that Reggie talked about earlier" despite what Agent 47 tried to tell everyone.

The fact it's becoming so difficult to tell these games apart speaks volumes. Nintendo themselves must be aware of how they're retreading old ground/beating a dead horse, etc as they struggle to push any innovation they can muster into the same old format. They're clearly a creative company but the constant demand for these remakes leaves any genuinely new game ideas solely in the hands of third party developers. Not to mention that the thousands of people willingly paying for the same old game in different clothes, aren't going to force Nintendo to break routine any time soon.

Anyway back to New Super Mario Bros 2 and the theme this year is gold. I think Hitman loosely tied it into the Olympics or something but frankly all i heard was "We've scraped through the bottom of the barrel and are now just clawing at dirt in the vague hope we find diamonds" The audience audibly whooping at the sight of Raccoon Mario from Super Mario Bros 3 was just another depressing indicator of how these fans seem to live for nostalgia. Paper Mario Sticker Star was also announced and at the risk of repeating myself it looks fun, but that familiar kind of fun, which no amount of power-ups disguised as stickers is going to cure.

Luigi's Mansion 2 was the last first party announcement and as a game that is relatively young in Nintendo years (only a decade!) which hasn't been driven into the ground with spin offs and remakes, this was fairly exciting news. It's puzzling however that its been demoted to serving on the 3DS, instead of Nintendo's main console like the original Luigi's Mansion did back on the Gamecube. Agent 47 left the stage with a short trailer for upcoming third party 3DS games, including Castlevania, Epic Mickey, Scribblenauts Unlimited and Kingdom Hearts 3D.

Reggie returned with another trailer, this time for Legocity Undercover, which seems humourous and enjoyable, but then again the Lego games have been ridiculously successful recently. Parodying games, films and Lego themselves as well as drawing people in with addictive, OCD appealing bricky gameplay, seems to be a winning formula until they run out of themes and Nintendo themselves are proof of that not necessarily meaning the end.

Ubisoft were praised for providing both casual and hardcore gamers with titles throughout the Wii's lifetime and Ubisoft's co-founder was invited on stage for a bemused and awkward speech directed at someone just out of view. I actually felt sorry for the poor confused man and thankfully another Ubisoft speaker took over for the demonstration of Just Dance 4, a game which takes on a mechanic i haven't seen since the board game Twister. One player has the Wii U controller, sits on their arse and orders everyone else to dance, like some perverted emperor. Which could be amusing if you're a bastard and want to see your friends look like morons, which i think a lot of people are.

As goofy as this seems, I'd take the Cossack dance over "grinding" any day.

Ubisoft's second game was ZombiU, which actually seemed impressive if a little too aimed at hardcore gamers. I find it patronising that anything with ample gore and guns is immediately considered to be a hardcore game, mistaking mature content for depth and complexity. Still if the game's shit at least you can zombify yourself with the Wii U camera, as Reggie enthusiastically demonstrated. Ubisoft's segment finished with a trailer for more titles, including an Avengers game; interestingly featuring all the characters that weren't in the movie, A new Rayman game, more fitness programs and Assassin's Creed 3, which seems to be playable on everything except microwaves at this point.

Nintendo's big finale for their final fifteen minutes kicked off with a very sedated "Welcome to Nintendoland" from Reggie, which i spent the next ten minutes wishing wasn't actually the name of a game. Evidently not bubbly enough to talk about this kind of game, Reggie was replaced by a cheerful, chubby chipmunk who explained that Nintendoland was a theme park for your Miis, featuring eleven mini-games from famous Nintendo franchises and one tech-demo. Naturally, to win people over on this new title they showed us the tech demo first, which was your standard ninja-themed, coconut shy.
As the explanations and gameplay continued, we learnt this was part of the Miiverse scheme, (which should have been obvious from the inspired titles) attempting to make gaming massively social.
We were then shown some gameplay from Luigi's ghost mansion mini game which seems like a tense sort of fun with your mates but with questionable replayability.

Reggie compared it to Wii Sports in terms of it's ability to introduce people to new gameplay styles, but isn't it a little pointless if it's not bundled with the actual Wii U Console? because frankly, who else would buy it than those initially getting to grips with the hardware?
I also can't help thinking that for the same amount of time and money they could've made a full game with much more depth from one of the franchises featured...maybe i'm just sick of mini-games on the Wii.

Overall, what started as a promising show slowly decayed into mediocrity and predictability, and with no Zelda, Metroid or preferably original titles mentioned, Nintendoland provided a lacklustre and forgettable end to the conference.

E3 2012 - Sony

Bewilderment is rarely a good feeling at the start of a show and i can't imagine what it must have been like for the people actually there (you can't contract epilepsy can you?). The theme throughout E3 this year is the fascination with multiple screens and Sony couldn't be propelling that message any harder with their discotheque, Matrix Reloaded architect wall of sparkles. One of the most schizophrenic montages I've ever seen; visually impressive but incomprehensibly random. The equivalent of a transformers movie played in four minutes, with better writing.

William Shatner then entered the stage and did the obligatory "we're the best" speech with Kaz Hirai getting a special mention but wisely not a microphone, for fear of Ridge Racer motivational speeches no doubt. The congratulations continued as Shatner thanked the gamers and generally acted as if the PS3 wasn't being raped sideways by an industrial heater, a cute white slab and their own previous generation console.

Mercifully moving onto the games themselves the team behind Heavy Rain introduced Beyond; a superbly written and acted animated film starring Ellen Page, who received her own hyped up reveal as if you'd just returned to conciousness sitting on her lap. The story focuses on spirits, ghosts and "what lies beyond" with our heroine having some unique connection to the other side. We saw five minutes from the feature where a police officer talked at our heroine and a swat team burst in tactically surrounding a door. The fairly subdued scene was bookended by a bombastic trailer with explosions, buildings collapsing and a chap seemingly getting possessed. I'm not sure the development team themselves know who their audience is, but the E3 crowd were loving it, perhaps they were given popcorn.

Shatner returned to talk about some guy i didn't know called Michael. I'll confess i became genuinely confused at this point as i was told about a viral video or a toast or some kind of fight. The sound of the "Playstation nation" began to worry me but before my third-reich fears could escalate it turns out all the preceding words actually meant Super Sony Bros, which was a much easier concept to comprehend.
A brief trailer showed us some characters and then the unhealthy gaming cousins of the power rangers waddled out on stage to some inappropriate gangsta-rap.

The game itself was demoed for several minutes as one of the team helpfully commentated on what was happening because sometimes a screen that takes up a whole wall is difficult to see. It's nice to see Sony were even inspired by the flaws of Super Smash Bros in that it's near impossible to see your own character or what's going on amongst all the multicoloured explosions, background cameos and shifting environments.
Admittedly i've never been that invested in Sony's mascots and first party game characters, if i was, perhaps "Fat Princess" would get me more pumped than a deflated, punctured, flat-packed tire.

Following this we had the traditional Sony statistics storm as Shatner bigged up the PS3 to Vita cross play functionality and multiple screen shenanigans. He goes on to guarantee that "crass-cross-platform features will enhance your gameplay and create completely new experiences" That is assuming you avoid any of Microsoft or Nintendo's new games which do the exact same thing.

Some more statistical selling and indie game pictures later and it was boasted that over 200 new games would be coming to the Playstation Network over the next year, which is a good start to catching up with Xbox Live's 500+ downloadable games. Continuing with the thrilling statistics slideshow Shatner then tried to sell the premium service PlaystationPlus, with such luxury features as "automatic updates" y'know? the kind Nintendo and Microsoft do for free? I'm guessing that membership has been waning recently since he then gave everyone in the audience a year's free subscription. I wonder if anyone there didn't have a PS3, that must've been awkward. Some more promoting with the odd phrase "we all know that music and gaming go hand in hand", which is a bit like saying "isn't it great when all your senses work?" and Shatner declared the new Playstation music service "which offers a Cadillac of over fifteen million songs". I don't know much about cars but i'm guessing you have to fold down the back seats for that.

Shatner yakked on a bit more until we finally saw a trailer for Assassin's Creed 3: Liberation on the PSVita which comes bundled with so many extras and special features it might actually make Xbox users jealous. The main Assassin's Creed 3 then had a playthrough with some shouty, ship-based gameplay. Everything from the NPC's on the deck, to the movement of the stormy sea and the vast, detailed ships surfing along it looked impressive and immersive. As i wondered however with the upcoming Tomb Raider, in such a fluid sequence, how much control will the player have? Another classic Assassin's Creed soundtrack was also on display through the demo and the playthrough finished as your ship became close enough to an enemies' for close combat to ensue.

Having been reawakened, the conference swiftly moved onto the polished if unremarkable Far Cry 3. Another series i haven't fully jumped into so perhaps i'm missing what makes the experience "a new kind of insanity". My main thought throughout was that if the speaker for this demo had handled the cheesy tag-lines for Beyond, then maybe that game would've finished as dramatically as they'd hoped. When i got over Dan Hay's voice and actually watched the gameplay the tactical teamwork of the four player co-op seemed well implemented and intense, now what are the chances this has splitscreen?

Next up was the Wii remo-sorry Playstation Move. Their motion sensing, bloated sonic screwdriver that will be poorly implemented into even more games in the near future. Shatner had a much needed rest as a new speaker appeared who looked and sounded like Derren Brown with his balls in a clamp. Mr Helium went on to introduce Wonderbook; yet another motion sensing peripheral that will assist in making real books increasingly and depressingly obsolete.

Requiring a Playstation Move controller, the Playstation Eye and the new Wonderbook peripheral this might be the most convoluted and expensive way of reading a book ever devised. Luckily for Sony they've wrangled J.K Rowling into their Harry Potter/Book Of Spells thing, ensuring at least thousands of rabid fans will blindly buy all this shit for any chance of continuing their beloved, elongated franchise. We were then privileged to over five minutes of technical issues and the demo host getting talked over by the game's narrator.

"You better be enjoying yourself son, we've sold our legs to pay for this."

Thankfully all the gameplay of putting out fires and shooting insects could be overlooked as the speaker reassured us "The book of spells captures the imagination in a way never seen before". I look forward to seeing that way, and an explanation as to why it wasn't shown in the premier demo.
Shatner then returned with a big chunk of gameplay from God Of War 3, showing the gory, hack and slash gameplay that people presumably love is entirely intact. So intact, it could be from God Of War 2. There was a bit of platforming in there as well but like every game in the God Of War series it's only unique selling point seems to be it's crude brutality, which personally i can get any time i want in the local Weatherspoons.

When we'd seen enough of mutilating elephant barbarians we immediately got another demo of what at first i (as an outsider) assumed was Uncharted as the blackened room filled with grunts and crashing we eventually saw our protagonist catching his breath in a cafe. Now this got plenty of cheers from the audience, so either i'm more out of touch than i thought and hadn't heard of this game or they all thought it was Uncharted as well. The grizzly main character was accompanied by a young woman, who engaged the protagonist in some nice, realistic dialogue as they explored the crumbling, flooded remains of a city.

Visually the game was exceptional with all character animations looking fluid, realistic and best of all human. The setting reminded me of I Am Alive, but this managed to keep that post-apocalyptic atmosphere without resorting to a two-tone colour palette. As the duo reached a house with hostile survivors we saw some simple but effective stealth mechanics in play, with your character reacting to and naturally hiding behind scenery without just crouching beside a table. As the shit inevitably hit the fan and a shoot-out began, the player took a bullet whereupon his companion asked if he was ok and was hiding behind the same table as you with seemingly no prompting or awkward "getting into cover" animations.

As you've probably guessed, what I'm getting at is that this game has taken the incredibly overdone gritty realism style and made it work flawlessly. The enemy AI was already impressive in it's cover taking and manoeuvring the environment but when the player ran out of bullets and the last remaining enemy heard the click of an empty gun, the AI reached a new peak. The enemy broke from cover approaching the player at which point the companion who i'd almost forgotten about, threw something at the enemy, giving the player a chance to rush him and take him out unarmed. The fluidity and realism of this moment caused the audience to be audibly impressed.

The game was eventually revealed to be called The Last Of Us, and my now well-worn concern about player control is still very relevant to this. It played like a cutscene, with a minimal HUD, the survival elements like creating a molotov cocktail in the time it would probably realistically take, were all fantastic but i can't help worrying if this is just another glossy, cinematic game that's only difference from Beyond is that it convinced me it was all happening in-game. Only time will tell i suppose but an impressive and unexpected finish to Sony's mixed conference.

Oh, then Shatner came back with a broken mic and told us to "never stop playing" or did he say "paying"?

E3 2012 - Microsoft

In proving my theory that nothing stays dead and a trilogy no longer means what i think it does, Microsoft opened their E3 Press Conference with Halo 4. A part live-action cinematic tells us that once again aliens are stirring shit up for humanity but this time it's not the Covenant...although they are around also...and the elites are your enemies again.
I was never fully invested in the Halo storyline having only joined the party with Halo 3 but I'm sure this could be explained better. Are we in prequel territory again? it seems unlikely with these previously unseen android chaps causing havoc. There's having mystery in a story and then there's just not knowing what the hell's going on, maybe it's replicating the chaos of war or something.

Overlooking the story, the gameplay appears to be intact, following the "if it's not broke don't fix it" strategy religiously...like religious fanatic religiously.

You have your regenerating health, assault rifle, military chatter, human and alien weaponry, overhead aircraft  etc (see Halo 1-3 for the full list) The few new additions that sparked something in my cold, dying skull were enemies that catch your grenades and another that momentarily became ghost rider.
So it seems Halo 4 will be the perfectly adequate if unremarkable fps it has always been, bringing forth the bare minimum amount of innovation and variety to justify a new game, and yet we all know it will sell like molten hot cakes with tits for reasons i'm beginning to think i'll never understand.

A brief introduction by Richard Madeley followed before getting straight into another demo. It's good to let the games do the talking, unless of course they're shit.
The next footage began with a presumably Arabic man carrying a wounded comrade into the camp of a war-torn, middle-eastern country. I thought they would save Call Of Duty for later but perhaps this means there's something truly exciting waiting in the wings.
As two little white arrows appeared over two of the character's heads i realised this was in fact the latest Splinter Cell instalment and the man carrying the wounded soldier was Sam Fisher about to murder everyone in the room, like the calculating, unrivalled super spy he is.

I embraced Splinter Cell's new direction since Double Agent. Three games spent in the dark is indeed enough and the initial previews of underhand smuggling and playing casual in plain sight of the prison guards looked new, interesting and most of all, fun. Unfortunately I've learned that Ubisoft have an infuriating habit of creating ambitious, innovative ideas and then bottling it half way through development. The same problem arose with Conviction and now here we are; so far removed from what Splinter Cell is, that it took a game mechanic that has been haunting me since it's conception to recognise this was a Splinter Cell game at all.

Sam brutally interrogated the last remaining soldier by slamming his head into a friend's crotch and stabbing him in the chest. Subtly of course. Two of the development team controlling the demo, fill us in on the plot for Splinter Cell Blacklist, which sounds suitably political espionage and as Sam flicks his goggles to a thermal vision and sneaks into a tent, my faith is slowly being restored in my favourite stealth-action franchise. Sadly the satisfaction is short lived because Sam stabs a guy and then in one fluid motion kills about six other armed guards, running and gunning in broad daylight without a care in the world. And the audience completely lap it up...maybe i'm in the wrong then, maybe government spies should be more like Neo.

Some cover based shooting later and we're onto another demo with the head of EA Sports; Mr Tom Cruise himself. I can't go into the details of the games because sports make me physically sick but to summarise, they pushed the Kinect as the big innovation with these otherwise identical, cloned copies of the last decade of football and rugby games. Now you can shout at your television to call the referee a prick and order your team about like you're a military general, which at least is realistic. Now all it needs is a feature where you call a hooker, cheat on your wife and beat up someone from a racial minority.

I've not much to say about the Fable trailer that followed, as i've never gotten into the series, but it did seem surprisingly more Crash Bandicoot in it's appearance than i remember. Another Head appeared on stage to briefly gloat about all the great games the Xbox 360 has and the studios behind them. To prove his point we were treated to a short trailer for Gears Of War Judgement, the latest in the Gears Of War "Saga", funny how they've stopped calling it a trilogy all of a sudden. Another trailer for a glossy car racing game came and went with it's only difference to every other racing game footage i've seen over the past 5 years being the dubstep soundtrack ruining any chance i had at catching up on sleep during the trailer.

The conference then went Kinect crazy, showcasing the voice recognition for those too lazy to flick their thumbs an inch, a new digital fitness scheme for those too lazy to flick their thumbs an inch and Xbox Smartarse. This new feature basically makes your ipad or smartphone, tablet thing a mini Xbox so you can have game features in three different places at once, ensuring confusion as you accidentally answer a phone call from your Xbox and try to get a headshot on your phone.

"People have got browsers on their television before, but no one is using them, because they're painfully slow".
With this in mind it was revealed that Internet Explorer was coming to Xbox360. This coupled with Bing put me under the impression that this was a new technology-themed mini game where you have to upgrade your search engine and browser starting from the very bottom rung of the ladder. The player uses Bing to search for increasingly abstract philosophical articles until the system breaks and they unlock Google.
Sadly they were serious and wasted another five minutes demonstrating a feature no one will use.

Once this had finished some new chaps showed a rather lovely looking Tomb Raider demo, in keeping with their "new mature take on the franchise". The first disappointing glimpse of cover-based shooting was livened up by enemies quickly demolishing the environment, the kind of game-mechanic that keeps things suitably tense for a shoot-out instead of letting you take a nap behind a rock for a minute until your health bar fills up again. The environment played quite a big role in the demo, as Miss Raider shot lamps down into gasoline, unleashed barrels down a hill and flailed her way down rubber dingy rapids. The sequence was surprisingly fluid and varied; one minute you're dodging gunfire in mountain ruins, next you're falling through a precariously balanced plane, then you're parachuting around forest treetops. The concern now is how much control you have over these sequences and whether that kind of variety can be kept up throughout the game.
It's also worth mentioning that whilst Miss Raider is now in possession of more reasonably sized airbags, she does a great deal of groaning throughout the demo. Granted she just fell off waterfalls and such but even so it was a little distracting/annoying/arousing (delete as appropriate).

A quaintly gruesome monster game, a slightly too bombastic Resident Evil 6 and a chirpy demonstration for a medieval demolition thing filled me with indifference, depression and irritation respectively. The South Park creators then took the stage and after ridiculing the Smartglass they briefly explained their equally ridiculous South Park game. I was actually fairly interested in this game but needed a piss at this point and when i came back Usher was on stage struggling to wail to his own backing track...

Several minutes of cringeworthy dancing to the most un-trendy collection of people this side of comic con eventually passed and Richard Madeley reappeared to conclude the show. Claiming Xbox would take over every screen in your house sounded more like a threat than a inspirational promise, i mean i like my Xbox but i wouldn't want it on my oven. Oh and then to properly finish the conference they showed a demo for Call Of Duty: Brown Ops 2.

Overall a fairly mediocre conference with some clumsy innovations and routine, conventional sequels with the odd glimmer of hope. The most worrying thing i heard throughout the show was the term "blockbuster games". Now I'm rarely a fan of blockbuster films, so the idea of a cheap thrill, style-over-substance, throwaway game is not something i like the sound of...