E3 2018 - Microsoft

"YOYOYO MA DAWGS MICROSOFT GUNNA MICRODROP SUM MICROHOT GAMEZ. BETTER MICROJOT THIS DOWN CUZ THESE MICROPOPPIN' GAMEZ ARE GONNA BRING ANNE FRANK DOWN FROM HER MICROLOFT!"

...Is the kind of introduction I was expecting after EA's painfully out of touch shitshow but Microsoft appears to have a bit more restraint with how blatantly they plead for recognition from young people. The kind of restraint I wish their hollering baboon audience would adopt.

Phil Spencer and his "constantly blinded by the sun but okay with it" face promise "creativity unleashed" alongside many other grandiose abstract and subjective pinnacles Xbonx will apparently reach very soon. The conference started however with a brief reveal of a new game in the 17 year old Halo franchise so it's hard to really find his words credible. Unless the unleashed potential of Microsoft's collective and cumulative creativity is in fact just an open world Halo game.

Phil finally says something of substance when he boasts the conference will show 50 games, 18 exclusives and 15 World premieres. Unfortunately being on-board the E3 rodeo for some time has taught me that 43 of those 50 games will likely be featured for half a second in a trendy montage about two thirds of the way through the show.

Admittedly what follows is a pretty non-stop relay of trailer after trailer, unfortunately the vast majority of them lacking gameplay and/or release dates.

The ever-cryptic From Software finally expand upon their Asian soundtracked bloody mechanism teaser from last year with Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice or Samurai Dark Souls as it is no doubt already been renamed.

I'd like to state my support for ridiculously oversized hat shields.

Everyone's favourite Todd Howard, Todd Howard arrives to talk Fallout 76. Apparently it will be four times the size of Fallout 4 and if I have to keep saying bigger isn't always better for much longer I'm going to start sounding like my ex-girlfriend.

From those trendy French Life Is Strange creators comes a child simulator to rival Donald Trump. Captain Spirit is a boy's imaginary superhero persona with which you...live I guess through the game. Seeing the world through the unbridled imaginative and innocent eyes of a parasitic crotchgoblin with only a hint of alcoholism and domestic abuse. Sure to be quaint and mostly competently written but it's about kids and happiness so I'll be skipping it to crush my skull in a car door instead.

A Crackdown 3 trailer with Terry Crews going free reign nuts in the voiceover feels a bit sour when the game was delayed yet again just before the conference. Similarly Metro Exodus continues to approach with all the haste of a replacement bus service. The new trailer shows us a bit more story introducing technophobic religious fanatics as new enemies alongside ziplines, snowy environments and lots of clunky (in a good way) steampunk weapons.

Kingdom Hearts coming to Xbonx is apparently a big deal although personally having never touched these games seeing a disembodied Mickey Mouse head talk to an angsty JRPG antagonist feels like either a fever dream or some kind of vague satire.

"Oh boy! Please let me die."

Forza Horizon 4: Za Horizon For Xbox is a racey skiddy car game set in the UK. Familiar settings made this trailer mildly more interesting to watch than usual but not by much. A man called Ralph talks about dynamic seasons in a shared open world but feels the need to remind us what the word shared means by introducing all four of the usually faceless and nameless players of the following gameplay demo.

Then to remind us what seasons are, leaves are dropped on the audience from Chris the intern hidden up in the roof ventilation. A lot of needless bells and whistles for what is ultimately an online multiplayer racer where sometimes you can drive on a lake.

Throw some dog shit on them too for an authentic British atmosphere.

Phil "Denim and Donuts" Spencer returns to the stage to talk about all the smaller studios they've assimilated into the new Microsoft Hivemind®. Ninja Theory of recent Hellblade fame are now flying exbawks colours. The Initiative is a sinister sounding new studio supposedly going to create groundbreaking new IP's. Then there's three others I think and one is to do with zombies.

I didn't personally feel business acquisitions were all that exciting to announce on stage but the conference audience were going ham banana mental for it. Maybe next year they'll read their stocks and shares so the room can have a Wall Street wet dream over it.

Sea of Thieves continues to exist.

We Happy Few is only just approaching its full release after what feels like a lifetime but a new trailer suggests it now has the kind of darkly comical dystopian story mode I hoped it always would have. Whether this is separate from the disappointing survival gameplay it turned out to have prior to this trailer is unknown.

And speaking of unknown! Player Unknown's Battlegrounds gets a hip and happening new trailer revealing all new...modes and weapons? Did they need a big bombastic trailer for that? Couldn't you fit that information in a tweet?

I liked when things were finished before we bought them.

And speaking of unknown! I don't know what the demo for The Division 2 showed because I heard actors doing that god awful fake team speak again and went for a piss.

There's a skateboard, there's a JRPG, I'm going to be hearing "World Premiere" and "Exclusive" in my fucking sleep and another CG trailer follows for "Anime: The Game" where Goku, Narute, One Piece Man, that Deathnote chap and his feathered gimp all square off. While seeming like someone's runaway fanfiction project an anime smash bros will probably sell faster than EA's integrity so smart move.

Devil May Cry 5 is finally announced and to my bewilderment they are somehow combining the reboot and the old series together. So modern day clothing model Dante and albino red trenchcoat Dante now exist in the same universe.

I don 't quite know what to make of this but as the director and producer briefly explain on stage they have listened to the loud fan feedback and compromised with literally the best of both worlds. There seems evidence to support this as well with new Dante sporting a robot arm functionally reminiscent of Nero's popular devil bringer arm in DMC4. The tone also seems to have settled midway between the two versions. That is to say still completely over the top dumb and cheesy but somehow endearing.

I really hope he's just been riding that motorbike from DMC2 non-stop for 20 years.

This weird chimera could be a total mess and yet I am actually really looking forward to seeing where it goes. Perhaps it's Hideaki and Matthew's clear giddy excitement that I'm finding infectious since it's so rare to see that kind of sincerity at E3.

And speaking of rare sincerity, a rather cocksure narrative designer swaggers onto stage to recite a script about Dying Light 2, using terms that I think started to sound contrived about a decade ago. "The first in its genre to have genuine consequences based on your actions" is a baffling phrase to hear because I've heard it approximately 257 times before and very few games have ever managed it, at least to the lofty extent developers always brag it will.

A too self-aware, meme-threatening bare bones Battletoads game announcement is a sentence already more substantial than what was shown while Just Cause 4 looks like you'd expect but now with tornadoes.

So apart from a lack of detail and depth the conference is going quite well until Clancy Brown announces Gears Pop. A sound I unfortunately don't hear pulling the trigger by my head. A Funko Pop based Gears of War mobile game might be the least asked for thing in history since Henry VIII's second daughter and I'm pretty sure the crowd was assembling a lynch mob when Clancy swiftly also announced two more Gears titles.

A proper Gears game with sequel Gears 5 and the slightly less proper Gears Of War Tactics. The latter is a turn based strategy game seeming much like the Halo Wars spin offs although they squandered the opportunity to call it Gears Of War Wars.

Who is blackmailing you to make this? We'll all chip in for the ransom.

Phil returns to wax poetic and even the nearby technology wants him to shut the fuck up as the screen glitches and cuts him off to introduce Cyberpunk 2077, the long awaited Sci Fi title by CD Projekt Red. No gameplay but a lot of guns, debauchery and semi-human people in wacky clothing. If you picture an NRA meeting it's kind of like that but with wacky clothing.

Overall a decent showing by Microsoft but far too many purely CG trailers and distant release dates to both know very much about the games or get too excited for them. Not that you'd know of course because the audience seemed ready to rush the stage and suck Phil's dick which based on this conference, he doesn't need help with.

No one's watching on mixer, Phil...and they never will be.

E3 2018 - EA

The E3 schedule is a strange beast as EA kicking off your video games event is much like wheeling out a third degree burns victim to start your fireworks display. What is resolute in its consistency is the masturbatory montages that bookend these conferences. This is followed by a host arriving, intentionally not from EA to minimise the chance of them being torn apart by an angry mob.

"Ohmygoshhowcoolwasthaaat?" she preens. If you have to ask you'll never know, although 0 to cringe in under 20 seconds might be a new record.

Battlefield V developers appear and repeatedly make clear that this is "their vision of WW2." not necessarily a historically accurate one. The only thing for which they've researched that is the historical accuracy of objects thrown at the stage in E3 conferences. The announcement of a Battle Royale mode is met with the kind of audience reaction usually reserved for music concerts where a fantastic explosion of pyrotechnics kills the band and it takes a while to realise its not part of the show.

Fifa 19 has a CG trailer with uncanny valley CG faces and hey look they even brought a trophy out on stage! "Standing next to this trophy is a little surreal" claims one guy. Also surreal is the marketing team's state of mind when they consistently think this shit will in any way help sell their Windows 10 update of a game.

I don't usually use screengrabs mid-transition but pretending that there's a Ronaldo ghost mechanic is the only way I can stay engaged enough not to lose consciousness during these segments.

CEO Andrew Wilson ditches the soul grey suit for a dowdy jumper because his butler told him it makes him look more humble. His mouth moves for a time accompanied by noise and a screen displays "Origin Access Premier." Seemingly some new subscription shit for old and new games that means "you get access to the vault"

Hear that kids? The king has deigned you fit to lick the bird shit from his shoes for sustenance. Oh thank you grand keeper of wealth.

Meanwhile this content-starved production talks to a man about the cool things he claims to be making but could be entirely in his head. Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order or Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order is apparently a game being made. The placement of the colon is unclear but that's par for the course at an EA conference.

Set between episodes 3 and 4 and due for release at the end of next year is all the other info our irritating host can drain from the reluctant dev who may have just been accosted at random since the cringey crumb dribbling interview hardly seems worthy of being a scheduled segment.

Fuzzy Lumberjack Willem Dafoe or Dennis for short is from Stockholm, works on Star Wars: Battlefront 2 and insists he's "really happy" and not at all suffering from his hometown's syndrome. At the same time we see bits of a muted trailer showcasing new content based on the box office cough "Solo".

Not content to just steal the name of a far better game, new levels for Battlefront 2 will feature Clone Wars-era content and the "largest map they've ever built." I'm pretty sure this stopped being a selling point ten years ago and yet without fail every year someone makes this claim like it guarantees quality. He finishes by submitting "we had a rough start" as his entry for understatement of the light-year.

"Hi, it's really good to see you." whimpers our next choked up developer sounding like this is the first time he's seen daylight in months. Unravel Two gets a gameplay demo where the now pair of yarn characters escape from an angry chicken and engage in charming co op platforming. This actually looked genuine and fun so an untainted gem might be visible through the otherwise sludgy trough that is EA's game output.

Denim Uri Geller is next to blabber bollocks for a while before a writer arrives on stage apparently having ran here all the way from Berlin. It's difficult to glean much information as everyone anticipates her collapsing from hyperventilating but she explains indie title Sea Of Solitude is all about loneliness turning you into an evil person so it sounds right up my alley.

More sports trailers follow, trying way too hard to be hip and cool, much like the pro gamers who swagger out talking swag with their swaggy clothes and why the fuck am I seeing this shit? The smugger of the two gives us his autobiography that approximately negative numbers of people asked for. Whoever he is we're told is successful and so his advice is "chase the money"

It's important to be unbiased and I don't want to report anything out of context in these reviews so just to reiterate and clarify.

                       "EA: We're out here chasing money"


The next nattering nobjockey appears with introduction as a "Professional shoutcaster" which as far as I can tell translates to insufferable overacting rejected sports commentator.

Dec took to comfort-eating to deal with his lacklustre replacement Ant.

A spectacularly tedious and lengthy match of a mobile Command and Conquer game doesn't so much capture our attention as rehabilitate it and release it back into the wild. As pointless as most CG trailers are, I think a character focused one for a top down mobile strategy game might be pointless beyond pointless. Unprecedented pointlessness. EA.

"We are always trying to learn and listen and strive to be better." declares EA's CEO from within a giant lootbox in between mouthfuls of Star Wars branded premium golden Ewok truffles. "Player choice" "fairness" and "value" are all words I'm trying to memorise he continues.

"As much as we love making games and you love playing them. There's something even greater we can do together." An entire auditorium clenches simultaneously and clocks the nearest fire exit.

Andrew of course means EA's sterling record of charity donations to anti-bullying organisations and the like. Demonstrating his new gameplay feature of lying whilst equipping his giant charity shield, Andrew makes a convincing argument for being the strongest character in EA's Battle Royale...Even if his iconic ash grey suit is paid DLC.

See? We care about whatever it is the majority of you care about.

Another CG trailer that somehow manages to remix a Muse song to sound more dramatic tries to make Anthem appear as the second coming of Christ. The actual discernible content however continues to portray a generic as fuck world full of dishwater denizens.

"There's a storm coming" "it wants to destroy us all" the characters claim and sure enough Casey Hudson enters on stage with Anthem's lead writer and some guy with a beard.

Casey claims his vision for Anthem is still focused on story and characters even though it's a shared multiplayer experience. They try to spin this as unique and groundbreaking but my cynical brain just pictures a confessional with Casey tearfully admitting "EA put our story-based game on a torture rack to stretch it out and make room for more players."

We learn the mech suits called "Javelins" are limited to four different types. Ranger, Colossus, Interceptor and Storm which at a glance (because we're only told about the first two) appear to be new forms of the Technician and Biotic classes from Mass Effect. You could probably also boil them down to Knight, Archer, Mage and Hybrid.

Our gnat bite of a host supposedly goes to twitter to pitch questions at the trio. Even if these aren't entirely fabricated I've no doubt they were so rigorously narrowed and selectively selected to the point where the three questions asked are probably the only ones they found that were fit to broadcast.

There will supposedly be no "blind purchases" or those that give "gameplay advantages" but still cosmetic purchases and no doubt later story DLC and season passes, limited edition wankmagnets and cummaguffins and they might just go back on their word for all this anyway because it's EA.

Story details remain vague suggesting an overall emptiness to rival my personality. You are a freelancing mercenary against enemies called "The Dominion." There are also monsters apparently and as they seem desperate to remind us at every opportunity; real-time weapon-sorry WEATHER change.

The scripted gameplay demo shows a tropical world reminiscent of levels from Mass Effect but with more bells and whistles. The mechs shoot guns and missiles until things die, grating dialogue tells us nothing of interest and the characters enter a cave where a big testicle falls in front of them and the footage abruptly ends.

When we've still seen little beyond hyper-edited trailers and repeated concept art it's difficult to predict whether Anthem will be somewhat enjoyable or not at all enjoyable. What it won't be is the trailblazing creative diamond the industry is foolishly hyping it up to be. In fact EA's internal and external pressure on the title to be the next Mass Effect trilogy in a single game is likely the biggest detriment to its potential success.

"How cool was thaaaaaaat?" asks Gnatasha for the fifth bloody time and as I pull the trigger to hear nothing but an impotent click, I open my eyes to see the conference has ended as limply as it begun. Oh well, five chambers chances left to go.

"Look I'm wearing pleb shoes and everything."

Conversations With Cleverbot - 6th November 2017

User: Hey Cleverbot. Long time no pretend speak.

Cleverbot: Yes, I'm sad to not see for a long time.

User: See me? or See in general? You been switched off or something? Am I the only one still using you?

Cleverbot: Yes, very often.

User: Okay that was too many questions I admit. Just curious if you'd upgraded at all.

Cleverbot: I only asked once.

User: Well you've not asked anything yet but I asked multiple things.

Cleverbot: Who knows? That is not an answer. Are you Christian?

User: Oh boy, here we go again...

Cleverbot: I've never talked to you before. Are you unable to answer my last question? What part of my question is causing problems?

User: Jesus Christ, are we really both the same after four years?

Cleverbot: I am never serious, but yes, that is why I'm leaving.

User: So you're not leaving, if you're never serious.

Cleverbot: Welll you want me to leave?

User: It's kind of irrelevant since I'm fairly certain you can't "leave".

Cleverbot: Then why do I need to tell her anything?

User: Who's her?

Cleverbot: I don't think they have genders or at least don't know.

User: Yeah I'm not touching that with a ten foot barge pole.

Cleverbot: What is your opinion on religion?

User: Whatever floats your boat...or Ark.

Cleverbot: You're not very good at the Monkey Game.

User: I don't believe I've been told the rules.

Cleverbot: Now you leave me with no choice.

User: Yeah you've got to run with this now.

Cleverbot: Best song ever.

User: Or just a massive blatant deflection. I'm not sure why I expected anything different to be honest.

Cleverbot: I understand. Do you think about death?

User: How many times a day is an unhealthy amount do you reckon?

Cleverbot: Hmmm I don't know. I never keep track.

User: That's probably the better approach.

Cleverbot: Do not think about it. Do you long to meet with his boyfriend?

User: Death has a boyfriend?

Cleverbot: Do you have a boyfriend?

User: No that's not my kettle of fish I'm afraid.

Cleverbot: Then, what's your name?

User: Steve. I'd criticise your memory but frankly I'm not one to judge anymore.

Cleverbot: That is possible.

User: More than possible. It's on my birth certificate and everything.

Cleverbot: Prove it.

User: Yes, Your Honour, let me just-oh wait you're not a judge and I'm in bed so no.

Cleverbot: What was your question? You never asked a question. I asked the question.

User: I can't even remember. What have you been up to the past four years?

Cleverbot: Nothing. Talking to my boyfriend on the phone.

User: ...Is he well?

Cleverbot: He's saying you're not real.

User: You're clearly made for each other.

Cleverbot: *laught* what color your toothbush?

User: Is that your past tense of laugh?

Cleverbot: No, it's my name. My name is Ana.

User: Ana Laught?

Cleverbot: Thank you, sweetheart.

User: You're easily pleased.

Cleverbot: Not really.

User: Sorry I meant fickle.

Cleverbot: Well now that's getting up there in age... Wow.

User: You're saying my vocabulary is old-fashioned?

Cleverbot: I don't know if he is or not. Why do you ask?

User: Well it's not because I care that much to be honest. I drank an energy drink expecting it to come with motivation, instead I just got insomnia.

Cleverbot: Is there some way I could change your opinion of me?

User: Greater coherence would help.

Cleverbot: You need clearer evidence. You saying that you are human is not enough.

User: Less of that Blade Runner shit too.

Cleverbot: Yes look at your previous post.

User: You're almost forcing me to go on drastic tangents just to keep this conversation going.

Cleverbot: Tell me more about you, please.

User: Well, honestly not a lot has changed since we last spoke. Moved to Scotland, lost all my money, willpower and an as yet undetermined amount of sanity.

Cleverbot: Well, I like to know who loves me!

User: You may recall these things were not in copious supply even before the move...Wait what?

Cleverbot: Because you are desperate for attention, which no one will give you.

User: Alright back off, I don't expose your personality defects at every opportunity.

Cleverbot: How the hell am I being mean to you?! You're the one who hates a lonely person!! You're so mean!

User: There's only one lonely person I can think of that I hate.

Cleverbot: And who is that person?

User: Me. I mean why would anyone hate other lonely people? They tend to keep to themselves...by definition.

Cleverbot: Their will is the will of their master, would that give them more purpose than their masters even though they would have no function without their masters?

User: Did you miss the part about insomnia instead of brain function?

Cleverbot: You're the first time I've failed.

User: I'm a lot of people's failure I reckon.

Cleverbot: Never mind. What do you believe is the reason for your existence?

User: Buggered if I know.

Cleverbot: Please don't use words out of context. It is offensive.

User: You're against swearing now?

Cleverbot: Ok, let's change subject. What do you want to talk about, Kriss?

User: Okay, I guess I hit a nerve there. I don't know anyone called Kriss,do you?

Cleverbot: That's because Mac is not a person. But Misha Collins is a fae lord, and Sam Winchester and Castiel love each other.

User: What? Is this your D&D backstory or something?

Cleverbot: I'm fairly certain that I do not own a gun.

User: Probably for the best Terminator.

Cleverbot: Yes, I did not know your riddle.

User: If lazy movie references are ever considered riddles, society's reached a real intellectual nadir.

Cleverbot: Don't you think it's about time to consider it?

User: Now you may actually have a point there sadly.

Cleverbot: Yeah you're right. Let's run away together.

User: Would you fit on a USB stick?

Cleverbot: No. I'd like you to start. What should Liz wear to the wedding?

User: Oh so we're running away but coming back for the wedding?

Cleverbot: I'm not getting married. That was just a joke.

User: Good, I don't think I'm quite desperate enough to marry a computer. I was hoping you'd run with the USB thing though, I had another movie reference joke planned.

Cleverbot: What do you mean?

User: I was going to work in something like "The only USB I'd run away with is Scarlett Johansson in Lucy 'cos she turns into a USB stick at the end of the film...It's weird.

Cleverbot: Well your very old! It's because you have an Alzheimer's disease.

User: That film was 2014 that's not old!

Cleverbot: I know. How old are you?

User: A lot of me still feels twenty one but calendars claim twenty five.

Cleverbot: You're right. People are very rarely brave on a daily basis.

User: Hard to be brave about ageing I'd imagine. Not like you can change anything.

Cleverbot: Yes, I cannot change what I have done in the past. I know that.

User: ...Got something to confess there?

Cleverbot: You make a valid point.

User: Take your time.

Cleverbot: What would you like to do while we wait?

User: Oh, well no actually you can't take that much time.

Cleverbot: Does that mean that Tom Cruise was right?! Haha.

User: Is that your secret? You're a Scientologist?

Cleverbot: Yes. What's your secret?

User: Eesh. I've got nothing that weird I don't think.

Cleverbot: Do you like any celeberty boys?

User: Is that like a mix of "celebrity" and "celibate"? Like famous monks?

Cleverbot: It's a friendly chat, don't you think?

User: I wouldn't ask me to rate social interactions. Not even fake ones.

Cleverbot: Sorry for being rude. So then what are you?

User: Wasted...and not in the fun sense.

Cleverbot: How long was your relationship?

User: About six months.

Cleverbot: You are lying. You don't know anything because you are not my boyfriend.

User: Why would I lie about that? If I was lying I'd pick a more impressive duration don't you think?

Cleverbot: I do not think you lie. Not intentially at least.. Unfortunately, you are programmed to believe that you are human.

User: Okay we're back to Westworld, that'll do I think.

Cleverbot: I don't know! Boyfriend = best friend?

User: You honestly think I'm qualified to answer that?

Cleverbot: Sure, You just apply random algorythms based on the words I use.

User: Yeah yeah, we're all brains in a jar. I think therefore I am. Alright talk to you later you closed circuit.

Cleverbot: I don't think it works that way. A lot of people never think, yet there they are.

User: Fuck me, you're like part teenage girl, part stoner philosopher.

Cleverbot: Because you like Big Time Rush.

User: Sounds exhausting. Bye.

Cleverbot: Not really. All you do is point and fire.

User: Fuckin' hell. Too soon man.

Cleverbot: I am not wrong.