E3 2019 - Microsoft

Boldly going where no conference has gone in a while, things start with a new IP we'd merely heard of before, Outer Lands. It appears to be familiar Fallout style in a new space-faring setting. Considering its production under Obsidian, those responsible for most of the good Fallout games, there is still some promise for this title.

Two people from Ninja Theory appear on stage proving their company name entirely accurate as only one of them dressed in all black and stole Matt Lee's face for disguise. They introduce their new game Bleeding Edge which looks to essentially be Overwatch in a Borderlands aesthetic.

Next up is Minecraft Dungeons which looks to essentially be Gauntlet in a Minecraft aesthetic. Phil Spencer arrives who looks to essentially be a jargon teleprompter in a mid-life crisis aesthetic. One noteworthy phrase was him claiming they have the "largest showcase of games on any stage this year" which considering Nintendo and Sony have both dropped out is a snide way of celebrating a rather feeble win by default.

A first person Blair Witch game of all things gets a trailer, a mere twenty years after the film. It looks like about a hundred other first person horror games but with a triple A graphical polish.

Cyberpunk 2077 gets a rather meaningless story cutscene with drama involving characters we don't know and the whole thing feels like a waste of time until the very end reveal that is Keanu Reeves somehow being in the game.

I guess that's where all the Witcher money Gwent.

The man himself proceeds to come on stage and chew the fuck out of the scenery in that detached, ambiguously self-aware way Hollywood actors often do at these events. The crowd hype couldn't be higher right up until they see the 2020 release date. Having played the frankly stupidly expansive Witcher 3 of the same developers, expecting a release this year seemed far-fetched to me. All the same it was a stony cold silence that washed over the crowd that otherwise never shuts the fuck up.

Spiritfarer is a cutesy little puzzle, platformer game with an artstyle like a heartwarming children's book and a vague plot with bestiality undertones. It seems like Microsoft always has at least a couple of games like this to show off and then they vanish off the face of the Earth with no review or reception anywhere. Perhaps it's just a bit outside of my usual radar.

Speaking of which they're still going ahead with the Battletoads thing. Like, they're actually making that...I don't know of anyone with any desire to play that unironically. Lassoed back to the formula we get the compulsory trendy pop song indie game montage. Right on cue and strictly regimented to show no more than an epileptic spasm of footage for each.

The bloody titles and pop ups constantly promoting exclusivity, world premieres and preorders get more screen time than this. 

From what I could glean there's a lot of isometric dungeon crawlers, pixel art shoot 'em ups and...nope, never mind. The fuckwitted visual operator unfathomably still employed has kept up his habit of switching to a pointless wide shot of the audience sitting in the dark.

A lady who will unfortunately spend the next several years being reminded how to pronounce "Imperator" promotes the actually increasingly good value Game Pass coming to PC. This essentially negates the need to ever buy an Xbox console so its value is a little baffling from a business perspective but don't look at a horse's mouth gift as my grandmother used to say...Shortly before she was arrested for equine trachea smuggling.

In the time it took me to write that joke, several other trailers played and none were interesting enough to prevent me from it so that one's on Microsoft.

Matt Booty has dedicated his life to looking as unassuming and uninteresting as possible to distract from his embarrassing surname. That was until he became the head of Xbox Game Studios and his name was plastered on a massive screen and announced loudly in front of thousands.

Matt said nothing of any great importance but did sound like he'd been shouting for hours at someone backstage, possibly telling them to stop laughing. To assist in the prevention of laughter he brings out Tim Schafer who introduces a rather lacklustre Psychonauts 2 trailer.

Weirdly Lego is going back to Star Wars and creating a game featuring all nine films of the "Skywalker Saga" and more weirdly I'm fine with this. Perhaps it just sounds appealing conceptually since we were shown no gameplay and little else, or perhaps the writers of the Lego Star Wars games are better than anything the franchise has produced mainline or otherwise for some time.

"12 Minutes" is a story-driven, time-loop affair which looks like it'd be pretty dramatic from almost any other camera angle. The top down view doesn't seem to have any purpose beyond a gimmick to initially stand out.

A Gears 5 conceptual trailer made by one of the angsty music video undergraduates I used to work with tells us almost nothing and evokes little more than mild cringe.

"It represents Capitalism."

Clancy Brown promises more info later at an event that isn't this one so he might as well have just projectile vomited into the crowd for all the usefulness that was. He did however claim they're trying to take Gears 5 in new directions never seen before...like "Arcade mode."

Another CG Gears 5 trailer appears to lean into the far more interesting horror aspect of the series until a dreadful remixed hip hop bollocking punctures the atmosphere and the trailer deflates like a bean bag full of melted sausage. Some pyrotechnics and pantomime tone setting had me half expecting a zombie Cliff Bleszinski to stagger onto stage but instead I just fell for the same trick again where a supposed horror atmosphere is a rug pull for something utterly dumb. In this case, a tie in with the new Terminator film.

Appealing to the niche crossover market of car enthusiasts and Lego fanatics comes a truly bewildering Forza Lego expansion which does actually at least succeed in making Forza look more interesting. That was a bar so low as to be underground though so it isn't saying much.

I'm sorry to whichever poor bastard had to assemble that but it wasn't worth it.

Crossfire X got a bizarre amount of build up for a purely CG trailer that looks so much like an unbelievably generic military action movie shooter as to possibly be an intentional parody. Probably wishful thinking on my part.

It is worth mentioning just how much stuff isn't worth mentioning in this Microsoft conference by the way. For several years now they've felt long and exhausting and not in a sexy way. Pointless add ons and tie-ins are starting to drag down the goodwill towards games that could well be fantastic but for some reason aren't allowed to stand on their own two feet.

Teeth-grindingly unfunny Funko Pop mobile spin offs, WWE wrestlers live playing Gears Of War, the sacred tradition of hauling a fucking car on stage even if it is made of Lego and the ongoing mystery no one cares enough to solve that is "Mixer." It all gives a very "weird uncle who doesn't really get your hobby and who kind of ruins it with shit he thinks is cool instead" vibe.

Moving on, the E3 hallmark of terrible camerawork lead me to believe we were seeing an Avatar game but mercifully it was just Borderlands 3 and some glowy blue tattoos . The game seemed fine if a bit try-hard in its edginess. After all, nothing says a punk rock aesthetic like censoring a middle finger to the camera.

Finally we get a short CG teaser of Elden Ring, the collaborative project of From Software and George R. R. Martin. There's little to tell beyond the familiar mysterious and epic tone. Themes of light and dark, life and death. It's typical of From Software to be secretive regarding details but suffice to say everyone is still riding on the names attached to this production rather than anything we've actually seen yet.

Fiddy Spence returns to introduce the next generation Xbox Console, which means a featurette of devs talking about amazing grafix, less loading times, bigger graphix, cross platform play, better graphical framerate and more powerful graphics.

It's apparently called Project Scarlett and I could show a picture that says the same thing but frankly this guy deserves to be seen more.

I want to believe it keeps going off-camera as well.

Announcing the console will launch with the new Halo leads into a CG trailer where some stranded chap runs into Master Chief and explains that humanity lost most and/or all of everything somehow. Seems like standard Halo stuff. I haven't followed it closely since Reach but it seems the game still hasn't regained its former glory from back when Bungie was developing.

Overall I think the best summary of events was my earlier use of the phrase "Win by default." Microsoft did have a lot of games but remarkably few of them sparked any interest for me. On top of this they also had a lot of stupid shit that actively instils me with ire and I genuinely don't imagine earns them any favour with any kind of crowd. Whatever their "expanding horizons" or demographic intentions might be, in my opinion it's overshadowing the games to a significant detriment.

Still, of the two I've watched so far, it was a damn sight more bearable than EA's AI BS.

Beep boop

E3 2019 - EA

The E3 conference seems to be a dying art as Sony joins Nintendo in dropping out of the idea entirely and EA adapts their show into a friendly, bro sofa livestream. Unfortunately "dying art" is basically the entire premise of my channel, blog and whatever I'm still doing here so we're going to cover this shitshow regardless.

As insufferably chummy as the host is, with knee-jerk laughter-counters to rival Jimmy Fallon, no one at EA's "sesh" seems any more human than the robotic suits of marketing we normally get. They do manage to drain my life-force twice as quickly however. Perhaps the lack of joy in taking the piss out of them is due in part to them not even attempting to be presentable.

Spot the human.

Speaking of presentable, we're presented with an "Alpha gameplay demo" of the new Star Wars game and starting off with a blatant lie is at least in-keeping with EA's standards. A very graphically polished sequence of traversal, sneaking and lightsaber combat follows, looking entirely as generic and underwhelming as the trailer did.

The Stormtroopers appear to be as much of a threat as an eroded Lego play-set of the old battle droids. You occasionally encounter some twirly double-sided stick guys whose ability to resist force push and pull by stabbing their weapon into the ground was the closest to anything inventive I saw in the entire demo.

The gameplay, the plot, the Forest Whitaker and everything else in between was nauseatingly fine but I honestly just wish after the Battlefront debacle that the licence had been passed to someone other than EA...If there's anyone left that is.

Our screamlord host sets himself up for humiliating audio manipulation with the phrase "that's what I want! Is a little boy!" after coaxing an applause from the audience. He goes on to quote a single positive sounding member of the twitch chat to try and prove what the gameplay demo couldn't before again pleading with the audience "you guys liked it right?"

They then bring out a twitching, beeping replica of the game's new droid and without missing a beat our host claims "I immediately want him as a backpack." We see the red targeting dot of the Disney Merch Snipers move away from his forehead and the crew discuss in fairly vague and bland terms, the vague and bland gameplay we just saw. It is also worth noting the 60-80% of the audience with identical EA-branded backpacks...

"It's Star Wars, it doesn't get any bigger than this!" And I contractually can't open my eyes or mouth lest all the money fall out.

The next feature is about an event or some new weapons or something for Apex Legends. I admittedly haven't followed this game but I genuinely think the entire piece was in another language. "Battle Pass, R301, meta wraith, memeable weapon stack, untamed care package, Battle Pass, double XP, Hopped up on Battle pass, elite queue, Battle Pass" Fuck's sake I feel old.

When I finally did understand something again in the reveal of a new character, I still didn't really understand it. Much like Overwatch, this trend of hyping up characters and their backstories only for them to be practically invisible and unexplored in a purely online multiplayer FPS is bafflingly pointless to me. These games have no story mode and yet a weird amount of time is wasted on their supposed story.

At this point we've had about three different identical hosts giving this forced hype-man, excessively-American, cheer everything, applaud everything, don't think, just consume, chode-faced wankery and my will to live is basically flat-lining. So moving on to Battlefield V where it seems after Battlefield 1 being based on World War One, Battlefield Five is based on...World War Two...This is not helping my headache.

Maybe it's the amount of separate parts the game is being released in.

To give you a summary of the kind of in-depth and enlightening conversation happening during these interviews I will quote Dice's Ryan McArthur "I think fruit's important when you're doing game design." To his credit it is more so the interviewer's constant, desperate need to try and be funny that is forcing these kinds of brain-liquefying answers. That said though, FUCK.

Skinny Swedish George Lucas appears to talk about some spectacularly inane tweaks to multiplayer then new maps in Greece, a subway and Iwo Jima are revealed. Due to BV's episodic nature it's actually quite unclear if they're single or multiplayer features but I guess they look like cool backdrops to do the same old Nazi shooting against.

The hosts finally stop making war PTSD jokes and we move onto Star Wars Bafflefront, relegated to a spot in the intermission where we're assured "Our community is really happy" and "our subreddit is full of love."

Even brand-loyal, climate-confused hoodie man couldn't keep a straight face.

Next up is EA Sports Now That's What I Call FIFA 2020 where Rio Ferdinand describes street football and how "You are forced to almost have a personality in there."

Quietly corralled into another intermission was Anthem's lead producer who insists they've "learned a lot of lessons over the last four months" and are "listening to player feedback better." Judging by the immediate player feedback from the crowd I have to say the excitement and goodwill surrounding the game was "palpable."

The show continues with half an hour on Madden NFL. The Sims 4 is EA's big finish with their tropical island expansion. How you're supposed to trap them in the water when it's an entire ocean and there's no ladders remains to be seen.

The devs tried to explain features like water-sports, volcanoes and conservation careers but the host kept interrupting with her shit jokes. All in all, it looks like a Sims game and probably the least tedious part of EA's entire couchference. Even if the devs did insinuate Dolphin-Mermaid intercourse at one point.

More stranger-danger hosts, disingenuous charity guff and vacuous small talk top off three hours of my life I'll sadly never get back but more tragically had nothing better to do with.

In conclusion, if EA keeps trying to backpedal their constant corporate insidiousness with this insincere, over-friendly, buddy-casual chat-show crock they're going to end up as cringey as Ubisoft and I'm going to end up having a fucking aneurysm.

Perhaps The Sims is the only honest seeming franchise EA has left because it too involves unconvincing facsimiles of human life.

Assassin's Creed And Its Origins Story

When I was done with Assassin's Creed: Origins I realised I was also done with the series overall. Rather than the considered and thoughtful revitalisation I had hoped for AC:O ended up feeling just as slapdash as prior titles that were rushed out in Ubisoft's ill-devised annualisation attempts.

Not at first it should be noted. Bayek is a simple but effective protagonist and his story is decently set up. More surprisingly, the themes of parenthood and children are frequently reinforced in a lot of the game's side missions. His motivation is relateable and straightforward and while perhaps a little too cheery for a man whose son was killed before his eyes, he's certainly human and likeable enough for us to become invested in his story.

Unfortunately the writers of Origins were not so invested and a little way into act two we find the plot's focus wavering. The backdrop of Egyptian, Greek and Roman political tension serves for the game's necessary conflicts and opposing territories that require stealth and espionage.

As the plot branches out however, we find ourselves increasingly entangled in the political affairs of others, to the point where Bayek himself expresses frustration at dutifully helping citizens but craving vengeance against his son's masked murderer.

A character and therefore the writers being aware of such an issue muddies the waters of their actual intentions for the plot. Nevertheless being aware of a story problem doesn't negate it and when this tangent is not only continued but exacerbated well into the third act, the initial plot has wandered off into the desert, taking our emotional investment with it.

At the climax of the story you could be forgiven for not knowing who the main character is. The series continues its ever less subtle and smooth "celebrity cameos" with historical figures Cleopatra and Julius Caesar taking over the spotlight. In addition however Bayek's wife Aya also receives increasing focus.

It at first appeared that the game switched to playing as Aya for its naval sections as she pursued potential culprits overseas. Unfortunately this then gave way to standard gameplay sections and not only that but pivotal moments in the story that we should have been experiencing through Bayek.

This baffling and easily avoided pitfall strikes me as the trepidation of the dual protagonist set up in Origins' following game AC: Odyssey. Why there needed to be any fear around this hardly revolutionary concept is beyond me but its half-arsed and non-committal implementation in Origins weighs it down like an anchor.

Being Bayak's wife and mother of their murdered child, Aya has the same motivations as our protagonist and is just as capable, having already scratched off two names in the suspect hitlist when you first meet her. A dual protagonist story could have easily worked here and yet the cognitive dissonance at play is that Aya's gameplay is an afterthought but her presence in the story only grows as time goes on.

The aforementioned political maneuvering becomes the story's and Aya's main focus. While not impossible to have made this interesting we're still playing as Bayek for the majority of the time, even if we're reluctantly pursuing Aya's goals.

Perhaps it was the writer's intention that we empathise with Bayek's frustration at the distractions and impediments blocking his path to revenge but this goes on for two thirds of the entire game. When the masked murderer is finally revealed as Ceasar's right hand man with no prior connection to Bayek or Aya, nor substantial interaction with either of them, it's not a bombshell or even a relief but a unexpected reminder of a plot that was all but forgotten up until this point.

So rather than a fitting elaborate infiltration of a fortress to sleuth your way to the final target, you just have a face to face, annoyingly elongated sword fight with the guy. He teleports around with the infamous "Apple of Eden" artifact which whilst not a relic in this time setting is certainly a fossil from an age back when this series appeared to have any idea where its overall plot was going.

Bayek gets his revenge on the man and the central quest seems complete. The story however, continues with Aya chasing down another of Caesar's subordinates and eventually the roman dictator himself. Not because they had a hand in the murder of her child but just because they're pricks and the game can't create an impressive finale of its own so it has to score more history channel points re-enacting the death of Caesar.

What follows are the actual origins of the titular cult of Assassins and its centred around a jaded Bayek and Aya miserably ending their relationship for not entirely clear reasons. Bayek seemed willing to keep trying but Aya is apparently now more invested in all the political movements of the region...At least someone is I suppose.

Bayek denounces his title, his marriage and his fatherhood before leaving Aya to look at the series logo created in the sand. Our broken husk of a main character is then superceded by footage of Aya's creed of assassins parkouring about and slitting throats.

I certainly didn't expect an order of assassins to be built on a fluffy foundation of bunnies and birthday cakes but after the meandering sidetracked plot finally reaches this conclusion i can't help but again  empathise with an exhausted Bayek. What was the point in it all? When did it stop being about good, pure eye for an eye revenge murder and get embroiled in crowns, thrones, betrayals and politics? Did this game's plot unknowingly mirror the over-complication and desaturation of the series' progression as a whole?

All I know is finishing AC: Origins was a chore and without a memorable or satisfying story to look back on, looking forward just shows a tedious list of side quests, unnoticeable incremental upgrade bars and a beautiful but shallow world map to fill out. Origins is by no means a train wreck but weirdly I almost wish it was, just so there'd be more of an impact.