Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge/Dead Men Tell No Tales - Cinema Review

How do you make zombie pirates boring? Well you can ask Dead Salazar's Dead Men Tell No Revenge Tales for a step by step guide (Why does this film have 2 titles? I don't know, do they even know?). For context I haven't watched anything in this franchise since the third film ten years ago and I found that to be a confusing mess both in terms of plot and visuals. Sadly there seems to have been little progress made since.

There's a handful of good ideas here but not enough to make a film and so these are stitched together with a large swathe of reused jokes and scenarios from the prior films. When those fail it seems to resort to even older film cliches that are so tired now they seem to project that concept onto the audience.

Going into the film my main intrigue was whether Javier Bardem's career integrity would outlast his decomposing CG face. Leaving the cinema I could be convinced the entire cast were in fact zombies. Dragging their heels through the story with the bare minimum amount of energy needed to stay alive. The only possible exceptions to this being newcomers Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario but sadly only the latter could possibly withstand the argument that these characters are simple reenactments of the remnants of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley's old characters.

"I'm Javier Bardem, I've got an Academy Award, Oogey boogey bleugh"

This mediocrity worsens for those behind the camera. If the film weren't so blatantly two thirds CGI I would wager there was no artificial lighting whatsoever as anything after sunset might as well be runny ink smears for all you can make out. The hungover vampire or Zack Snyder fan in charge of lighting is joined by an audio mixer either being shagged or blackmailed by the foley artist. Then there's the dialogue writer who seems to have taken 90% of their work from the glossary in a Dungeons and Dragons manual.

Before I drown in my own bile let's talk about that handful of good ideas. The action scenes when not plagued with darkness are decent, more so in terms of the concepts behind the set pieces rather than the choreography. The latter disappointingly opts for the cheap and increasingly common Batman Begins style of moving close up shots symbolising action whilst not actually clearly showing any...or requiring actors or stuntmen to perform any.

For a film on its fifth iteration I was impressed to see some inventive uses of cannons, ship ramming and guillotines still conceived even if they are extremely dubious in the eyes of physics and common sense. There are also some memorable settings including meteoric islands and walkways more commonly reserved for Moses. Those alongside a few humorous exchanges and one or two lines where Depp kicked up a spark in the ashes of his iconic character unfortunately amount to all of the positives I could find in the film. This smattering of creativity is lost within a retread of old storylines about ancient curses, treachery and lost glory.

The aforementioned CGI is probably my biggest grievance with the film as by the third act, characters might as well be invisible amidst the blinding cloud of animated ocean, ships, people and, well...everything.

An otherwise decent flashback scene coughs up a disturbing adolescent Jack Sparrow, with Johnny Depp digitally de-aged and free-falling down the uncanny valley at terminal velocity. A similarly tainted scene has a reasonably entertaining set piece involving zombie sharks but is thoroughly hampered by the insistent CGI so forced and desperate to be impressive that it distracts you from the danger the sidelined main characters are supposed to be in.

I know PotC started as a theme park ride but that cartoon fish's rotting flesh has more substance than this.

Ultimately if you've seen all the films up to this point you may have enough investment to remain engaged with the characters and plot. Perhaps something crucially important happened during fourth film On Stranger Tides but then again it might just as easily have gone entirely unexplained. If you still have a crush on Johnny Depp and/or still find it hilarious when he drunkenly staggers to his feet and pulls a face you'll probably adore the film. If you want to make sense of anything happening on screen beyond desperate spectacle and rehashed performances I would avoid Javier Barfdem's Salty Circus or whatever the hell this thing wants to be called.

Had they released this photo before anything else,
I would assume it was from a video game...And not one I'd want to play.