Mass Effect 3 - Extended Cut DLC Review (Warning Spoilers)

I'm going to assume if you're reading this then you are aware of the uproar regarding Mass Effect 3's ending and if not, what's it like on Mars? any Prothean ruins?
Bringing in a new character in the last ten minutes that spoke more shit and ruined more carefully constructed story arcs than Jar-Jar-Bastard-Binks, Bioware, the company behind the game, decided to address their fans displeasure and release the Extended Cut DLC at no extra cost to "clarify" and bring "closure" to the series.

My own reaction to the original ending was sustained confusion for a good number of days before i fully realised the flaws and rage finally settled in. I was so confused by the vague philosophical ramblings of the Starchild/Godchild/Ethereal Wondercunt that i had no idea what any of the choices meant and simply staggered toward my favourite colour with hopeful, desperate eyes. This resulted in Shepard (who i had modelled on myself for extra creepy) wilfully disintegrating himself and causing all the Reapers to suddenly piss off back into space somewhere. 

"Left the oven on sorry" "For fucks sake Dave! we've been planning this for Millennia!"

So do the additional cutscenes and dialogue options fix this horrifically broken series finale?
Well i'd imagine it depends who you ask. We can never know the real intentions of Bioware in this new footage, whether it's still their artistic vision or the conclusion most likely to quell the tide of angry fans. Either way it does soothe the wound and fill in some of the major embarrassing plotholes, first of which being; what happened to your squadmates during the final rush to the Citadel transport beam in London.

There is now a scene showing your squadmates sustaining heavy injuries and Shepard forcing them to retreat. This actually fitted the scene incredibly well, without feeling forced or tacked on. There was emotional intensity in the separation and in my case one of my squadmates was also my love-interest making the farewell particularly poignant.

Admittedly it's slightly unrealistic for this lengthy discussion to take place when there are literally Reapers reaping shit up all around you, but this moment of personal conflict after an entire level of grand scale warfare easily mistakable for Gears Of War London, is very much needed. The next new addition i noticed was seeing Shepard actually blast out of the rear end of the transport beam at the Citadel. I don't recall seeing any criticisms of him just waking up there after entering the beam, after all this is the same kind of teleporter that totalled the Mako in Mass Effect 1, but i suppose it shows more effort than a fade from black.

There's a few extra clips of Shepard examining his surroundings with the invincible, indifferent Keepers still inexplicably mucking around amongst the corpses. Things progress pretty much the same from then up until you reach the Crucible and that presumptuous little prick swaggers onto the scene. Now as a huge fan of this series and an admitted hater of the Starchild character, i instinctively shot the translucent brat as soon as i regained control of Shepard. I then proceeded to shit myself as he actually reacted with demonic acceptance and took my gun to the face as my decision to screw all organic life. This was an amusing and/or terrifying addition to the scene and should address those who played morally Renegade characters or just hated the sparkly canonball. The following hologram message from Liara is also a nice, if more serious feature showing how you can fail and the Reapers apocalyptic cycle continues. 

Once i had reloaded the game (thankfully autosaving before the all important choice) i went with my intended option of the destroy ending and began to suspect the Illusive Man had resurrected somehow when i could no longer control Shepard or shoot my way to the ending. I was frozen, metres away from saving the galaxy, gun aimed but unable to fire, what cruel twist have you implanted Bioware? What didn't you tell us about...oh the game's just crashed.

Once i had reloaded the game again i went with my intended option of the destroy ending which showed the Reapers becoming all dead, limp and floppy-like and an all-consuming red blast engulfing the known universe. Another plothole addressed here was the damage to the Mass Relays; the crucial lightspeed jumpstarts that allow travel across the galaxy. Originally they were completely destroyed but as many pointed out in the criticisms, the Arrival DLC from Mass Effect 2 showed us what happens when a Mass Relay is destroyed and i don't think universal genocide was an ending anyone wanted.

So now the relays are just damaged, the Reapers are dead and the planet Joker and co landed on looking all bewildered and speechless like they suddenly weren't accustomed to exploring alien worlds was just a pitstop, and they soon fly away presumably agreeing never to talk about it again. At this point, the cutscenes felt a lot like fan service. Admittedly i don't know how else they planned to get around these events without remaking the entire ending (i know some Indoctrination theorists would have preferred that) but it still felt rather awkwardly sidestepped, like sweeping a dead body under the rug. Sure you can't see it but you're still going to get a lot of questions about that foul smelling bulge, and how many times can you distract people with your HD telly or electric cocktail mixer?

Oddly, the brief, unclear footage of Shepard's carcass taking an unexpected breath is still present (for the destroy ending only), possibly hinting at future DLC, or a fourth game in the so-called trilogy? Either way it's a possibility emphasised by the new footage of Liara mournfully placing your name on a plaque in all but the destroy ending, where the ending is cut with the name still in her hands.

Anyway the control and synthesis endings were also revamped and in the control scenario we now hear from a synthetic Shepard claiming he has been enlightened and will continue to watch over the galaxy. This is quite weird to see, especially the footage of Reapers repairing the Mass Relays, but it is at least, more in-depth than the ambiguous pile of ashes you were left as before. Upon examining the other endings i noticed a lot is still the same, even in what's been added. The surviving Asari still cheer on Thessia, Wrex still walks to the front of his people on Tuchanka, there is a slight difference in whether, Steve Cortez survives, gets mauled by a husk or doesn't quite get mauled by a husk but overall there is a lot you'll see in all three of the main endings.

The synthesis ending where all organics and synthetics are combined into a new DNA was an interesting alternative to the Anderson or Illusive Man mindsets of the other two options. The extended cut DLC is actually disappointing in this respect in that this great, advanced, evolutionary step turns out to be nothing more than what we had before with green eyes and techno rashes. It also doesn't make sense for the stargazer epilogue where Buzz Aldrin tells some kid a story and explains how "details have been lost".

So this synthetic-organic master race are actually kind of featherheads who must have misplaced their records of the most important galactic biological shift in the universe? Makes sense.

"We must all remember his sacrifice" Or not, y'know, if we're busy...

All of these endings are now far less of a stab in the dark thanks to additional dialogue options with the twatty totalitarian toddler (assuming you didn't shoot him in the face). You can now demand an explanation where he cuts through the bullshit and pours some logic on the "space magic" that cursed the original endings. I'll admit i laughed when i saw "I want details" appear on the screen, but this is what the fans wanted and any media in the science fiction genre really works better with an ending based in logic rather than the supernatural or nonsensical (ahem Matrix Revolutions).

The obnoxious, pre-pubescent, overseer turns out to be a sophisticated AI of sorts and the Crucible itself is basically a big generator for the impending, universal hyperbeam. The writing is pretty solid throughout these explanations and despite another moment where "there isn't time" is juxtaposed by lengthy dialogues and metaphors, the whole scene flows smoothly and efficiently breaks down the high concept ideas surrounding the ending.

Ultimately i'm pleased with the extended cut; even when it descended into slideshows, i couldn't help but smile at the sight of Wrex and Eve's baby Krogan, proving that of all the mistakes made in Mass Effect 3, the series' beloved characters were not one of them...except Kai Leng; that backflipping, cyborg-space-ninja was one of the stupidest and worst thought out characters i've ever seen...

Ok so Mass Effect 3 makes a lot of mistakes, and not just with the ending. The extended cut DLC is an improvement but one that had to be damn near campaigned for, when the game could have and should have featured these things from the start. Many will still be disappointed and for me personally three is still the weakest of the series, but like a relationship that turned sour and ended with your beloved revealing she's a man, it's better to just try and remember the good times, even if they are rendered meaningless by a massive cock of an ending...

Skyrim - An Attempted Review

The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim is a challenging game to review for several reasons, mainly because at times it seems like a rich, thoughtfully designed world with endless choices on how to enjoy yourself, and at other times a creaking glitch fest to rival Superman 64. In an equally confusing way i'm going to start this review with a summary. Skyrim is not a "masterpiece" despite what the critics on the box art claim. Your character does not get stuck in the scenery of a masterpiece, nor do they hear the same five voice actors in as many minutes. The player definitely doesn't witness a mammoth nonchalantly levitating thirty feet into the air before channelling Wile E Coyote and falling to its death as part of a "masterpiece".

Amongst other things, it took me a long time to decide whether or not Skyrim was immersive; a problem additionally hindered by the fact that developers sling the term around more often than Wii remotes on a drunken parent's wrist at Christmas. I certainly didn't feel immersed when an attacking bear would suddenly sprint off into the sea, no longer able to resist its dream of being a grizzly submarine. Yet at other times when trekking through a forest surrounded by gently drifting snow, a majestic orchestral soundtrack and the ominous silhouette of a dragon in the distance, i couldn't help but feel a sense of awe. I ultimately decided that Skyrim is not immersive, despite it's best efforts but is instead incredibly detailed. From the multi textured and layered clothing on NPCs, to the fantastical landscape and it's stirring views from mountaintop or town square, Skyrim is beautifully crafted and one of the best arguments i've seen for aesthetic video game art...as long as no one sees the nearby dog slowly sinking into the floor.

These grainy potato wielded shots don't really do it justice...

I think one of the main reasons why Skyrim has been so well received by critics and players alike is that it allows you to do and be an immense number of things, for which it should be applauded and other games following the linear Gears Of War clone format should stop and take note. Now by featuring dragons, soldiers, wars, sorcery, assassins, werewolves, vampires, cults, demons, romance, tomb-raiding, crime, exploration and property management (and making ninety percent of those optional), the odds are in Skyrim's favour that some of these things will be done well. Dragons for the most part are everything they should be; terrifying, challenging encounters that often come out of nowhere and if you're alone in the wilderness, pit you one on one with a huge angry flying flamethrower.

Unfortunately on the rare occasion the Dragons do glitch out, it is more than noticeable. On my second playthrough i decided to settle down in a place called Riften, where crime runs high but having joined the thieves myself, wasn't a problem. The blacksmith of the town asked me to help out his dying forge, and seeing as a better blacksmith would obviously benefit me, i undertook the quest to find the minerals he needed. How does this relate to glitchy dragons? well once i completed the quest and following it received a chummy welcome whenever visiting my local axe basher, a dragon attacked Riften. I killed the beast before anyone was hurt but since then, every time i return there, the dragon's corpse spawns somewhere instead of disintegrating to a skeleton after its' death and getting out of the damn way.

Though apparently I'm the only one who cares...

This undoubtedly breaks the aforementioned immersion, although when the dead Riften dragon spawned mid-rooftop and slid down to crush my favourite blacksmith i was impressed that he not only stayed dead, but that i received inheritance and his apprentice took over at the forge. I later discovered that it was in fact a random thief that killed him and the dragon merely blocked my view and stopped me doing anything about it. Now that's a nice enough addition whether scripted or possible to befall any of the townsfolk but the dragon rather spoiled it and as charmingly hilarious as these glitches often are, in terms of creating an engaging, immersive world, it shatters the carefully constructed illusion within seconds.

The actual gameplay of Skyrim is rewarding, fun and addictive, there are a few irritating fetch quests and the caves, crypts and ruins sometimes seem duplicated, but for a game world this size to actually be enjoyable in almost every area is pretty impressive. The depth of the combat is a major highlight; there are hundreds of ways to approach every situation and depending on how you upgrade and whether you choose to specialise or spread your skills you may never have two fights the same. When choice is such a major feature, i find anecdotal examples paint a much better picture than this ramble-gabble-tech-spec-speak-fuck.

My first playthrough was as an Argonian; a lizard type man who i levelled up to practically be a ninja. After a fellow lizard double crossed me, i tracked him to a large waterlogged cavern where he was hiding amongst some beefy mercenaries. After several surprise attacks that all ended with my head getting caved in, i took advantage of my Argonian's water breathing abilities and lured individual mercs out for a beating before diving underwater as the cavalry arrived. In a literal rinse and repeat fashion i hid underwater until they gave up searching and then stealthily cornered another in a literal cloak and dagger fashion until i had worn away the entire group. Now that same situation could be handled completely differently depending on how you create your character, which is a process far beyond the initial appearance selection and is in fact interwoven with game's narrative itself. I fully intend to spend my next playthrough as an insane barbarian who charges through everything with a sword bigger than his head, just to offset all my sneaking, playing nice and getting married that i've done thus far...what?...oh fuck you, it gives you the option to get married so i got married alright?......stop laughing!

I haven't played the earlier Elder Scrolls games but it seems that they're constantly catching up with their own ambition which i think is strangely ultimately a good thing. For every stupid or unconsidered choice made there is a another that works flawlessly. The Werewolves for example have a fair amount of attention put into their narrative and gameplay, there are advantages and disadvantages to having the condition and when you transform and maul someone to death it is suitably macabre. The vampires on the other hand, seem little more than an afterthought as enemies for the werewolves. Their advantages and disadvantages amount to little more than status perks, and feeding becomes a trivial annoyance when there is no consequence to it. Nobody dies or becomes infected with vampirism when you bite them, you can only feed on sleeping prey, missing the chance for a wonderfully evil surprise attack and the feeding itself involves no blood and a pink fading filter. Surely alarm bells would ring when designing vampire gameplay and no one mentions blood?


Skyrim also suffers from the Minecraft problem of not explaining how to do several important things. Admittedly the explanations are there but only if you know where to look and there are countless players across the internet asking how to cure vampirism, or buy a house in Windhelm (actually currently impossible due to an almighty bitch of a glitch). So whilst exploration and discovery is rewarding, some things need to be more clearly labelled before the player grows fangs and is chased from every city he reaches trying to find help but greeted only with torch wielding mobs of previously friendly shopkeepers. 

After enduring these shortcomings however there is still such a lot to enjoy in Skyrim and its many bugs and faults have not stopped me playing it more than Mass Effect 3 (a series i had followed from the start).
With Skyrim it's a case of forgiving but not forgetting, an expansive but somewhat unfinished game, that is truly an adventure in that you have to seek out the unique and enchanting moments amongst the confusing and broken.

E3 2012 - Nintendo

Nintendo's conference began with a quaint little introduction where Miyamoto was stalked by a gang of Pikmin. His greetings to the audience then consisted of "I see Pikmin...they're everywhere, they don't even know they're Pikmin", which then brought on some super-imposed hilarity as Pikmin began appearing on the audience. I'll admit Miyamoto using the Pikmin whistle to order the other speakers on stage had some hierarchical amusement to it, but it was getting old pretty quickly.
Miyamoto and his translator then unveiled the ambitious goal of overthrowing the television and games console's dependency on them. Presumably in the long-run they'll eliminate the need for anyone to ever buy Sony products again.

As expected, Pikmin 3 was then announced with some narrated gameplay of the shiny new graphics and more detailed animations. I assume they meant "detailed" and "realistic" was just a poor choice of words for a game about spacemen and armies of multicoloured weeds. They really pushed the idea of strategy in the new game, with motionplus providing precision targeting, new Pikmin types, more leaders and the handheld WiiU screen providing overall map details. The method of controlling the game with the WiiU controller and then glancing at the map seems most effective as having the Wii remote, and nunchuck combo coiled around your wrists and then trying to navigate the map on the Wii U controller sounds frustrating and clumsy.

I can see why they opened with this demo as Miyamoto explained his hope of bridging the gap between casual gamers and complex games, which along with making the television obsolete, is all Nintendo need to do before they can cure cancer and build a giant game studio on the moon.
Still i applaud the ambition and Pikmin 3 looks well thought out, in depth and fun. However if casual gamers ever look at me and my video gaming without pitying amusement, superiority-induced disgust or indifferent bewilderment i will go outside, buy a hat and eat it.

Next, Reggie Fils-Aime took the stage and stressed the conference's limited time frame for a good several minutes. A brief video then gave us more detailed look at the WiiU controller, ranging from the pointlessly obvious ("a, b, x and y buttons" oh right i thought they were switches that toggled between condescension, contradiction, cheese and crazy) to the previously unnoticed or genuinely interesting (built in camera and mic, Xbox style shoulder buttons and triggers).

When this had finished we saw more of the Miiverse which looks to become a cutesy, white facebook with less drunken photos and duckfaces. Reggie referenced Iwata's awkward, online, one man conference and went on to explain the Miiverse functionality within games "demonstrated by an old friend".
Now this probably seemed like a clever, fan-teasing phrase but considering that could be describing any of Nintendo's first party characters, it frankly loses all meaning.

"You've got to have a Mario game" quoted Reggie from the insatiable hordes of Nintendo fans. I felt kind of sorry for Nintendo at this point, like they were trying to send out a subtle SOS, so they could stop rehashing the same 25 year old games. New Super Mario Bros U looked like the same kind of fun it always is, with the obligatory, minimally improved quirks. This time involving whoever drew the short straw from your group of friends being able to place helpful blocks for other players to jump onto...or as is far more likely, trying to break the game and jam your friend's characters into the scenery.

Reggie moved onto third party games and the now familiar Batman: Arkham City logo appeared. They then wisely chose the most irritating, cheesy voice actor from the game to piercingly introduce the president of Warner Bros Interactive Entertainment, which is a stupidly long sentence at the best of times. My initial thoughts were that Arkham City could be pretty interesting on the WiiU, more so eight months ago when the game was first released but beggars can't be choosers i suppose.

The trailer claimed expanded gameplay and the most immersive experience which is great news and incentive for Wii owners who probably didn't need much convincing to buy one of the most successful and well-designed games of last year. For those who own a Wii, yet played Arkham City on another console, i can't imagine they'll fork out the money for a slightly different version with motion controls. I fear this might be a case of too little, too late when most people who were ever going to play Arkham City, already have, with plenty of time to fully complete it.

Next up was Scribblenauts Unlimited, a quirky creative game that seems perfectly designed for the WiiU and could be almost universally enjoyable with it's puzzle-platformer gameplay. The only issue i have is with its' grandeos "create anything" claim which is just asking to be picked apart. For example, can i create a leather washing machine on wheels that dispenses milk and talks German? or a pair of conjoined twins with tourettes and a trenchcoat full of powerful spices? If so, then fair enough, i'm sold.

"It almost justifies my art degree!"

Some more titles were then revealed in a short trailer featuring Darksiders 2, Mass Effect 3, Ninja Gaiden 3 and Tekken Tag Tournament 2 with a bizarre sight when one of it's main characters grabbed a mushroom and doubled in size, in what was probably considered the least likely merging of games since Cooking Mama: Modern Warfare. A nice range of titles then, spanning most genres and as Reggie kept hinting there was much more to be revealed in the coming months.

What followed was a strange sequence involving jovial piss taking of Wii Fit and then immediately trying to sell it again as Wii FitU. Some of the Wii's game titles are becoming ridiculous, how long before they unveil Wii Fit U Into Smaller Clothes So U Get Laid N Stop Cutting Uself?
The trailer then showed some infuriating healthy fuckers looking like pillocks and pretending to sweat. There was the usual assortment of mini-games and their respective calorie burning properties, though with what was presumably an infrared pedometer, one of you can now upload your non-Wii related exercise results to your more agoraphobic friends for gloating benefits. This act of smugness backfires however, when you try to watch television and all you can hear is their strained groaning whilst their gyrating arse distracts you from your programme/work/dinner.

A similar trailer with hip-young pricks followed for SiNG (that's "Sing" for the few people who don't have malfunctioning caps locks). A music party game in the vein of Singstar, Rock Band etc. The trailer was narrated by a Brit seemingly a little too interested in Sing and its party potential as he sounded either extremely hungover or had just had a lung out.
"having that additional screen allowed us to do something quite fun"
Well with testimony like that how can i possibly resist? Now obviously i'm a socially inept cave-dweller but i find it difficult to imagine people actually singing and dancing to this game at house parties, as opposed to someone's ipod on a speaker. These kind of games have exploded in popularity recently but at this point i feel we're on the downhill side of the trend. This means Sing is going to have to provide a bit more than a lyrics sheet to convince people to get into this type of game or abandon their Singstar/Rock Band set ups.

Next onto the stage was the guy from the Hitman games, suppressing his aggression against Reggie who gave him only a few minutes to discuss the 3DS and an entire hour the next day in his own separate show.
"An entirely new 2D Super Mario for 3DS" was revealed which looked remarkably similar to all the other "New" Super Mario Bros titles on DS from previous years and was not "clearly different from the new Wii U Mario game that Reggie talked about earlier" despite what Agent 47 tried to tell everyone.

The fact it's becoming so difficult to tell these games apart speaks volumes. Nintendo themselves must be aware of how they're retreading old ground/beating a dead horse, etc as they struggle to push any innovation they can muster into the same old format. They're clearly a creative company but the constant demand for these remakes leaves any genuinely new game ideas solely in the hands of third party developers. Not to mention that the thousands of people willingly paying for the same old game in different clothes, aren't going to force Nintendo to break routine any time soon.

Anyway back to New Super Mario Bros 2 and the theme this year is gold. I think Hitman loosely tied it into the Olympics or something but frankly all i heard was "We've scraped through the bottom of the barrel and are now just clawing at dirt in the vague hope we find diamonds" The audience audibly whooping at the sight of Raccoon Mario from Super Mario Bros 3 was just another depressing indicator of how these fans seem to live for nostalgia. Paper Mario Sticker Star was also announced and at the risk of repeating myself it looks fun, but that familiar kind of fun, which no amount of power-ups disguised as stickers is going to cure.

Luigi's Mansion 2 was the last first party announcement and as a game that is relatively young in Nintendo years (only a decade!) which hasn't been driven into the ground with spin offs and remakes, this was fairly exciting news. It's puzzling however that its been demoted to serving on the 3DS, instead of Nintendo's main console like the original Luigi's Mansion did back on the Gamecube. Agent 47 left the stage with a short trailer for upcoming third party 3DS games, including Castlevania, Epic Mickey, Scribblenauts Unlimited and Kingdom Hearts 3D.

Reggie returned with another trailer, this time for Legocity Undercover, which seems humourous and enjoyable, but then again the Lego games have been ridiculously successful recently. Parodying games, films and Lego themselves as well as drawing people in with addictive, OCD appealing bricky gameplay, seems to be a winning formula until they run out of themes and Nintendo themselves are proof of that not necessarily meaning the end.

Ubisoft were praised for providing both casual and hardcore gamers with titles throughout the Wii's lifetime and Ubisoft's co-founder was invited on stage for a bemused and awkward speech directed at someone just out of view. I actually felt sorry for the poor confused man and thankfully another Ubisoft speaker took over for the demonstration of Just Dance 4, a game which takes on a mechanic i haven't seen since the board game Twister. One player has the Wii U controller, sits on their arse and orders everyone else to dance, like some perverted emperor. Which could be amusing if you're a bastard and want to see your friends look like morons, which i think a lot of people are.

As goofy as this seems, I'd take the Cossack dance over "grinding" any day.

Ubisoft's second game was ZombiU, which actually seemed impressive if a little too aimed at hardcore gamers. I find it patronising that anything with ample gore and guns is immediately considered to be a hardcore game, mistaking mature content for depth and complexity. Still if the game's shit at least you can zombify yourself with the Wii U camera, as Reggie enthusiastically demonstrated. Ubisoft's segment finished with a trailer for more titles, including an Avengers game; interestingly featuring all the characters that weren't in the movie, A new Rayman game, more fitness programs and Assassin's Creed 3, which seems to be playable on everything except microwaves at this point.

Nintendo's big finale for their final fifteen minutes kicked off with a very sedated "Welcome to Nintendoland" from Reggie, which i spent the next ten minutes wishing wasn't actually the name of a game. Evidently not bubbly enough to talk about this kind of game, Reggie was replaced by a cheerful, chubby chipmunk who explained that Nintendoland was a theme park for your Miis, featuring eleven mini-games from famous Nintendo franchises and one tech-demo. Naturally, to win people over on this new title they showed us the tech demo first, which was your standard ninja-themed, coconut shy.
As the explanations and gameplay continued, we learnt this was part of the Miiverse scheme, (which should have been obvious from the inspired titles) attempting to make gaming massively social.
We were then shown some gameplay from Luigi's ghost mansion mini game which seems like a tense sort of fun with your mates but with questionable replayability.

Reggie compared it to Wii Sports in terms of it's ability to introduce people to new gameplay styles, but isn't it a little pointless if it's not bundled with the actual Wii U Console? because frankly, who else would buy it than those initially getting to grips with the hardware?
I also can't help thinking that for the same amount of time and money they could've made a full game with much more depth from one of the franchises featured...maybe i'm just sick of mini-games on the Wii.

Overall, what started as a promising show slowly decayed into mediocrity and predictability, and with no Zelda, Metroid or preferably original titles mentioned, Nintendoland provided a lacklustre and forgettable end to the conference.