Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge/Dead Men Tell No Tales - Cinema Review

How do you make zombie pirates boring? Well you can ask Dead Salazar's Dead Men Tell No Revenge Tales for a step by step guide (Why does this film have 2 titles? I don't know, do they even know?). For context I haven't watched anything in this franchise since the third film ten years ago and I found that to be a confusing mess both in terms of plot and visuals. Sadly there seems to have been little progress made since.

There's a handful of good ideas here but not enough to make a film and so these are stitched together with a large swathe of reused jokes and scenarios from the prior films. When those fail it seems to resort to even older film cliches that are so tired now they seem to project that concept onto the audience.

Going into the film my main intrigue was whether Javier Bardem's career integrity would outlast his decomposing CG face. Leaving the cinema I could be convinced the entire cast were in fact zombies. Dragging their heels through the story with the bare minimum amount of energy needed to stay alive. The only possible exceptions to this being newcomers Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario but sadly only the latter could possibly withstand the argument that these characters are simple reenactments of the remnants of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley's old characters.

"I'm Javier Bardem, I've got an Academy Award, Oogey boogey bleugh"

This mediocrity worsens for those behind the camera. If the film weren't so blatantly two thirds CGI I would wager there was no artificial lighting whatsoever as anything after sunset might as well be runny ink smears for all you can make out. The hungover vampire or Zack Snyder fan in charge of lighting is joined by an audio mixer either being shagged or blackmailed by the foley artist. Then there's the dialogue writer who seems to have taken 90% of their work from the glossary in a Dungeons and Dragons manual.

Before I drown in my own bile let's talk about that handful of good ideas. The action scenes when not plagued with darkness are decent, more so in terms of the concepts behind the set pieces rather than the choreography. The latter disappointingly opts for the cheap and increasingly common Batman Begins style of moving close up shots symbolising action whilst not actually clearly showing any...or requiring actors or stuntmen to perform any.

For a film on its fifth iteration I was impressed to see some inventive uses of cannons, ship ramming and guillotines still conceived even if they are extremely dubious in the eyes of physics and common sense. There are also some memorable settings including meteoric islands and walkways more commonly reserved for Moses. Those alongside a few humorous exchanges and one or two lines where Depp kicked up a spark in the ashes of his iconic character unfortunately amount to all of the positives I could find in the film. This smattering of creativity is lost within a retread of old storylines about ancient curses, treachery and lost glory.

The aforementioned CGI is probably my biggest grievance with the film as by the third act, characters might as well be invisible amidst the blinding cloud of animated ocean, ships, people and, well...everything.

An otherwise decent flashback scene coughs up a disturbing adolescent Jack Sparrow, with Johnny Depp digitally de-aged and free-falling down the uncanny valley at terminal velocity. A similarly tainted scene has a reasonably entertaining set piece involving zombie sharks but is thoroughly hampered by the insistent CGI so forced and desperate to be impressive that it distracts you from the danger the sidelined main characters are supposed to be in.

I know PotC started as a theme park ride but that cartoon fish's rotting flesh has more substance than this.

Ultimately if you've seen all the films up to this point you may have enough investment to remain engaged with the characters and plot. Perhaps something crucially important happened during fourth film On Stranger Tides but then again it might just as easily have gone entirely unexplained. If you still have a crush on Johnny Depp and/or still find it hilarious when he drunkenly staggers to his feet and pulls a face you'll probably adore the film. If you want to make sense of anything happening on screen beyond desperate spectacle and rehashed performances I would avoid Javier Barfdem's Salty Circus or whatever the hell this thing wants to be called.

Had they released this photo before anything else,
I would assume it was from a video game...And not one I'd want to play.

Unconscious Hallucinations Wrenched From Temporary Night Death III - 18th February

Days have long since stopped being recorded as myself, Mitch, Nathan, Charlie, Em and Laura trek wearily through a jungley-forest-woodland of sorts. The specifics of the environment tend to shift from moment to moment as do the exact members of our plucky band of survivors in this significantly post-apocalyptic Earth.

We're all bruised, battered and wearing filthy torn clothes as well as probably starving although frustratingly I've lost no weight because of this. We hunch and push our way through the undergrowth until we come upon a vast dirt clearing with a surprisingly well-maintained shopping centre standing proudly in the centre. The sign above its doors identifies it as "YOU WORLD" and we all stagger towards it with as much cautiousness as our weariness will allow.

Time skips and we've all settled quite well into the survivor's community of YOU WORLD. To our exhausted, starved bodies and minds it must have seemed like paradise. Offering food, shelter and copious entertainment of all things with mysteriously functioning arcades, theme parks and roller-coasters. Clearly the inside of the place has something of a dream-approved Tardis effect going on.

Most of the other survivors seem to have arrived recently as well and wander around with a child-like awe to their oasis in the storm of whatever unspecified Armageddon befell the world outside. We slowly become aware of the leaders of YOU WORLD despite never seeing them in person. The longer we stay the more we mingle with longer-term residents who are noticeably not as gleeful as the newcomers. Perhaps that's just normal though I think to myself.

Eventually we see the leader and presumed owner of the shopping centre city. A slimy businessman who has managed to stay relatively unruffled by apocalyptic circumstances. He's a typical grinning sleaze-ball who lures people in with his marketing buddy-pal patter but takes on a more subtly threatening tone with the older residents.

Myself and two of my rotating group of friends (perhaps the switches are meant to signify different days) overhear some of the older residents talking about people going missing. Some of them sound angry at the occurrence whilst others are scared of the mysterious background happenings.

In what can only be described as a disastrous lack of context, we time skip again and we're all trapped in our bedrooms that have been hastily refurbished into prison cells...Or maybe they always were, OOOOOEEEE.

Evil businessman tries to justify his abductions of people but none of us or the other imprisoned residents are convinced. In retrospect I would really like to know what horrible back-alley shadiness was taking place but at the time I felt suitably angered and horrified to give the snake-oil suit no quarter.

As night falls and our kidnapper retires, we talk amongst ourselves and with remarkable speed and lack of persuasion decide that a violent revolt is our only choice of action. Upon concluding this and grasping the bars of my cell I discover them to in fact be oversized pipe cleaners and thus rather simple to bend and remove.

Bloody revolution turns out to be reassuringly easy when YOU WORLD employs only three security guards. As the more courageous (or bloodthirsty) of the residents deal with them we all run for our lives and the shopping centre exit. In the chaos I lose track of my friends but approaching a set of stairs just before the exit I do find a cushioned long rectangular luggage trolley. I think to myself that this will impress and please my friends as we now have somewhere to put our stuff out in the wilderness and even sleep upon whilst still travelling.

I wait by the entrance for my friends but no matter how hard I look through the fleeing crowds I fail to locate them. I find myself surrounded by groups of Hasidic Jews and other elaborately costumed religious types from religions some of which I'm fairly certain don't exist. They all keep giving me funny looks for my trolley.

Eventually there's only a small crowd who hasn't fled the building and big boss businessman and some guards step out and address the crowd. The businessman whose heinous crime remains unclear looks distinctly more dishevelled and bitterly admonishes us
"Fine go! You ungrateful hooligans! You'll be sorry for what you've destroyed here today and you'll be hearing from our lawyers!"

The crowd jeers him and we all finally leave YOU WORLD. I despondently leave the trolley inside only to find my friends waiting happily outside. I must have missed them or they escaped through a different exit. I consider the trolley back in the entrance hall...It would be awkward to go back and get it now...

Let My Politics Ride Your Corpse

There have been many instances of breathtaking feats of human stupidity and very often the best response is to simply ignore them. After all, everyone has an opinion and everyone's opinion is wrong to someone. This would have been my response had we not recently reached such an unprecedented nadir in ignorance as to be actively insulting to the memory of the dead.

As of this writing Star Wars icon Carrie Fisher recently passed away due to a heart attack, tragically followed by her mother Debbie Reynolds who suffered a stroke. Two incredibly talented, famous women who were loved all across the world. Tributes and kind words from friends and fans flooded in and seemingly no one had a bad word to say about them.

Except apparently for actor Steve Martin...

His words on Twitter were thus “When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She turned out to be witty and bright as well.” It turns out that this was not a complimentary tribute to a lost friend, fondly recalling their first meeting but a terrible and offensive sexist remark, implying Carrie Fisher was nothing more than a sex object.

Much like the time Faux-Feminists decided Dr Matt Taylor's choice of shirt was more important than the historic landing of a NASA probe on a comet in space, the professionally outraged seem to overlook the reaffirming outpouring of love and sympathy for the late Ms Fisher and instead become transfixed on painting a target onto someone and making the inevitable, faultless yet horrible spectre of death a personal political issue.

My question is this. Do you really believe that was Steve Martin's intention? Do you honestly think amidst all this positive sharing of grief he meant to suddenly interject with hateful or offensive remarks? Let's re-examine his actual wording because I can see where people have planted their implied sexist undertones even though it is cataclysmically moronic to do so.

“She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.” I will give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are not suggesting that calling a woman beautiful is sexist because if you think that you need professional mental help. Calling her a creature could be considered offensive. She's not a creature after all, she's a human...But what are humans? Well, mammals, animals and creatures.

How often are the words beautiful and creature put together in an offensive way? Is it not more likely he is expressing that her beauty surpassed mere human standards and was in fact more beautiful than all the living creations on the planet. Does that not seem like a kind sentiment someone might say about the recently deceased?

“She turned out to be witty and bright as well.” I imagine this is where people think the subliminal insult lies. What you seem to be reading is “I was surprised she turned out to be witty and bright as well.” implying it is rare for women to be intelligent and funny as well as attractive. Except he didn't say that, did he? He said “she turned out to be” which simply means taking place after the preceding statement.

When you first meet a person the first thing we judge them on is their appearance. That's human nature. It is difficult to ascertain someone's personality from sight alone. If you initiate a conversation you will likely learn a bit about their personality, perhaps that they are witty and bright for example. Unless you walk blindfolded into a room looking for hands to shake, learning of someone's personality always comes after seeing their appearance.

Do you genuinely believe that Steve Martin wasn't simply recounting a fond memory of their first meeting together? Are you so blind to normal human speech patterns and context clues that you think this was a sleazy sexist remark?

I expect a rebuttal to this might be that it is irrelevant whether Steve Martin intended to say something sexist but the fact it could be interpreted as such is worthy of outrage by itself. In the constantly shifting ocean of cultural standards, the outraged faux-feminists who pointed out Martin's mistake so enthusiastically that he deleted his message, are simply ensuring that the outdated belief of women's appearance being more important than their personality does not ever take root in some young impressionable mind who might happen upon this tweet.

The offended are the only ones giving this idea power. For an idea to hold any power to change perceptions or prejudices it must be believed. The idea that Gordon Ramsey is actually a sophisticated robot who lived on the sun and dispenses spinach and Soviet political manifestos at hourly intervals who is only here to secretly tickle penguins is an idea no one believes. This idea therefore has no power to change anything because it is obviously absurd.

Most people with half a brain can recognise the context of Steve Martin's comments, the history of his reactions and opinions and not believe that he intended any ill will or base objectifications. It is obvious he was merely paying tribute to a lost friend or admired colleague, as had many other celebrities. The only people who believe otherwise are the ones potentially afraid of an underlying sexist ideology taking hold in people's minds. No one else interpreted the message as such however so these people are entirely creating their own problem.

So if the professionally offended continue giving this idea power there is in fact a chance someone else impressionable will happen upon it and believe it. The idea is so baseless and devoid of logic however that it might be interpreted in any number of ways as I listed above. Perhaps that calling a woman beautiful is sexist or the phrase “turned out” is a hateful and offensive remark, upon which conversations like this might occur. 

“I spent three hours trying to find a parking space, turned out there was one right by the entrance.”

“You sexist pig.”

You probably think this is a ludicrous leap in logic but when there is no logic involved who can tell where absurdity might lead in further absurdity. People try to spark outrages like this increasingly often and usually with the same lack of evidence but to do so mere days after someone's premature death goes beyond annoying and self-righteous. You are actively hijacking someone's death in order to push a political agenda and even if you had a scrap of substance to back your claims that would still be a deeply shallow, selfish and disrespectful act.

If you truly care about someone's passing, celebrity or not, you would not speak on their behalf, you would not create further misery out of nothing amidst an already distressing event and you wouldn't justify it all by masquerading as a political progressive when in fact all you are is a vulture.