My hand quivers as i reach for the glass. I have to concentrate not to spill the liquid all over my bedroom floor. I swallow down a sombre gulp. No matter what i do, i can't wash away the pain. I gaze weakly and forlorn towards the clock, with it's indifferent limbs hanging limp. I've been waiting for this all day; denying myself in the hope that i can become a better person. Surely now it's okay to start, the preparation alone will take several minutes.
The rooms downstairs all mock me as i trudge half-deluded towards ecstasy. Just a few simple motions and the method is set in place. Maybe tomorrow i'll come clean, i just need today to ease out of it, that's all. I stand there sweating, longing for another hit. I'm not addicted i just feel strongly that it can't come soon enough.
The scars from years of abuse swell and stretch with my breathing, the tumour is only growing bigger. I run a hand across its blubbery surface and feel a shame and disgust deep inside myself. The time finally comes and i rush into things too quickly. It's over already and yet i feel no different. I need more but i know that more will never be enough, not until the day has lost all hours in which to abuse. I scrape the residue onto my palette and tell myself i'm better than this.
I walk solemnly through the graveyard towards where i meet my supplier. A man strolling with two slim, healthy dogs passes me. I've already prepared for the meeting despite my claims to not do this today. The sky threatens rain and cars shine their spotlights straight at me, exposing my ugly, overlapping frame.There's still time to turn back. I walk faster towards the meet.
The supplier is always friendly enough, although i know the procedures backwards at this point. I try to kid myself into thinking this is just a walk outside on a cool night, that my hands aren't still shaking and i'm not desperate for another score. I get my hands on the stuff and walk home far faster than i was able to on the way down. I take out my phone and make a few ripples with contacts but they're unlikely to reply. Just stones falling into a pond.
I pass healthier, prettier people on the way back and all i can think of is how they're judging me. The trees hiss in the wind and the atmosphere begins to spit down on me. We all need a little something to get by, why should it be so frowned upon? and yet i know there will be nothing close to a smile left in me once it's all over. Just the ever-present craving for more.
I finally slam the door behind me and one of my housemates greets me in his own annoying but earnest manner, whilst an uncomfortable vapour hangs around the other. They mock me from a distance as i pant and sweat and prepare my next shot at the stuff. I take it upstairs so i can have these ever dwindling moments of peace in privacy. I rip open the package and look upon my prize with desire and premature regret. There's a single momentary heartbeat before i gorge myself on the indulgence until there's nothing left and a sickening self-loathing boils deep within myself.
It doesn't matter though. I've had my fix and everything is right in the world whilst i'm under, i just need to keep my mind off the overall effects and how i can't afford to keep doing this. A darkness has covered the world with an indifference like sleeping on a steel floor. Heavy rain descends outside my window and i watch as the floodgates fully open, and just when i was doing so well...
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