Alien: Covenant - Cinema Review

With every passing film I feel that Ridley Scott loses credibility as a filmmaker. I'm now significantly worried about the upcoming Blade Runner 2. I watched Prometheus for the first time a few weeks ago in preparation for Alien Covenant and I'm honestly not sure which is better (or "worse" might be more apt).

Prometheus certainly confused me more but Alien Covenant left me more annoyed, which is odd considering the real shit-head characters are in Prometheus. Perhaps because I had heard of Prometheus' shitty reputation long beforehand I was somewhat prepared. Regardless the take away should be that neither are particularly good films.

Alien Covenant, much like Prometheus succeeds in many technical areas like visually engaging art design and intense, atmospheric lighting of scenes. Of the several largely dark or night based films I happen to have seen recently, A.C was the most visible of them, which is relieving to know filmmakers haven't forgotten entirely how to shoot a darkened scene.

Unfortunately just like its predecessor, A.C's plot thread and characters are where the film falls apart. The crew of the colony ship "Covenant" might be the worst, most ineffective group of trained astronauts I've ever seen on film.

There is a line of dialogue where our protagonist Daniels, (the only close to competent human on board) talks of their long training for this specific mission. Now, granted their captain immediately dies and killer aliens aren't a scheduled part of the mission but you would think voyaging into the vast unknown of space, people would be somewhat prepared for the...well, the unknown.

Allow me to explain further. This trained crew are cowardly, clumsy, emotional, oblivious and incompetent. One person slipping on blood and falling on their arse is a regrettably common trope. Two people slipping on the same blood within minutes is near farcical. The second slipper is confusingly both smart enough to then hide behind netting and lure an alien onto it for a clear shooting position but not smart enough to avoid getting flustered and unloading so much ammunition that the ship combusts and is destroyed.

Yes that is technically a spoiler but I won't be recommending this shiny shallow tripe so don't worry about it. Continuing "Astronauts Do The Funniest Things" none of the surviving crew think to question a decades-old hermit android living alone in a palace surrounded by hundreds of petrified corpses and just accept his hospitality without hesitation.

Why does the acting captain somehow believe a word he says after he's seen befriending Xenomorphs next to a colleague's barely cold corpse? Why do Xenomorphs flee from a shot flare but shrug off daylight, interior ship lighting and jet engine fire to the face? I could go on about how the true lethal pathogen of Alien Covenant is airborne stupidity but we'd be here all day.

Who would live in a place like this? Apparently someone of entirely sound mental health...

Even attempting to look past this, it's also hard to feel much emotional connection to any of the characters. The protagonist, for example, starts the film having lost the will to live and at no point really recovers or moves on from that and she's the most developed of everyone. Character motivations are as unclear as a Xenomorph's life and growth span.

Quite quickly you can decipher in what order the crew of expendables will be picked off and towards the end of the film the writers seem to be actively looking for excuses to slay the remaining survivors. This includes a shower scene blatantly included just for the trailer but so tone deaf and lacking in context it felt better suited to be in lowbrow parody franchise "Scary Movie".

Let me try and think of some positives to balance this out...Well Michael Fassbender's performance is probably the most enjoyable part of the film. He doesn't carry the film because frankly I don't think any actor could but he does an admirable job and any scene focused on him is a highlight.

So returning to my original quandary, if I had to choose I suppose Alien Covenant is better than Prometheus but not by much. A.C's plot is easier to follow and whilst most of the characters are brainless idiots at least unlike the Prometheus crew, they're not heartless bastards as well.

One of the actors reads the script a little too late.

E3 2017 - Nintendo

Nintendo starts with a nauseatingly hip and happening advert. The trailer features the unlikely event of professional boxers playing Arms together, a woman who can't afford most of her jeans playing Rocket League and a future serial killer temporarily delayed by Pokken Tournament Deluxe. With an ever decreasing presence at E3, you would think Nintendo would trim out all the crap and just stream a direct feed of gameplay footage into their meagre self-imposed 24 minute slot.

Nope, your hair is still the weirdest thing about you.

A title reel plays and we find ourselves in a house. Is it your house? Better hope not because Reggie's here as he steps ominously out from behind a wall. "The game is fun." he insists with all the warmth of a Guantanamo Bay tannoy. "The game is a battle" he continues, not looking entirely sure himself of what the fuck he means.

Perhaps he means the game of life...

"It's a test that you pass or a quest that you fail." Why does it become more grandiose if we lose? That seems pretty unfair. "Fun and battle always lock together but the game is also something else." Which one of us is on drugs here because it's definitely at least both of us. I could transcribe the entire of Reggie's philosophical sermon here but it honestly gives off the vibe of a Shia Lebeouf motivational speech so perhaps I'll leave it to you if you want to experience Nintendo's new Confucius.

I don't think I like this Matrix reboot.

The first game trailer shown is Xenoblade Chronicles 2 which not only has some of the most astonishingly bad voice acting but also terrible casting. This very Japanese anime looking game has decided its main character should have some kind of deformed cockney accent. "Let's gowe to Eleesium, iyll take yuh there moyself.". This coupled with either poorly translated or poorly written dialogue and I can't imagine anyone but die hard fans of this series will be enticed into or able to endure the game.

Next comes a new 2D Kirby game so classic that it's just called "Kirby". I hope Nintendo aren't doing the whole reboot getting to reuse the same name thing. Four player co-op, all the classic horrific assimilation of enemies set to charming music and marshmellow visuals. I imagine it'll please a lot of fans although it doesn't yet seem to be doing anything particularly new. Perhaps that's the point though and it doesn't have to...It's always difficult to tell with Nintendo.

The twisted glee of a serial arsonist.

A chap in front of a green screen tells us he is "so relieved" that Nintendo Switch is doing well. "We thought we'd pissed away the entire company! I kept a loaded gun in my desk just waiting for the news to hit." He laughs unstably. This summer, he claims there will be many multiplayer games released for the Switch and at this point alongside Reggie's talk of "battles" I guess that's kind of the theme for this showcase...That or awful actors.

A man from The Pokemon Company stares at a blank piece of paper surrounded by Pokemon toys. He welcomes us and talks about Pokken Tournament Deluxe before mentioning that Game Freak are working on a "core RPG Pokemon game for the Switch.". Whether this will be in the same vein as the Pokemon Colosseum games or not remains to be seen, as does everything about the game.

"It may not release for over a year but we hope you'll look forward to it all the same" If I could get people as excited by my purely theoretical ideas maybe I'd have a career by now but frankly telling us this without literally anything to show smacks of a lacking lineup for Nintendo's E3.

"We're open to ideas...please..."

We return to our first guy who echos mine and probably many other people's question of "What kind of Pokemon game will we be able to play on Nintendo Switch?" He answers, "I'm looking forward to it myself" ...Fuck you.

Speaking of lacking substance the next "footage" is just a logo. Admittedly a logo for Metroid Prime 4, a series so sidelined and forgotten it was all but awaiting a burial by heartbroken fans but a logo nonetheless. I'm glad Nintendo appear to have listened to people's desires at last but "Now in development" is still a lacklustre announcement, no matter the pedigree of the game. The Final Fantasy 7 remake was not teased until there was at least a smidgen of footage, similarly when The Last Guardian was revived from development hell.

On principle, I can't really endorse these announcements as they feel kind of desperate like the first party equivalent of early access. Except they only have to tell you it exists for the preorders to start rolling in.

What was that Zelda game where Link became 2D? I can't quite remember and I feel like Nintendo's banking on that with Yoshi's new self-titled game where he can go behind walls and inside houses by using doors. Following this comes a non-gameplay trailer for Fire Emblem Warriors with slightly less dreadful voice acting than Xenoblade.

Starring Hitler's Aryan dream.

Eiji Aonuma appears next and mucks about with a sword talking about the Link costume and weapons appearing in the Switch version of Skyrim and introducing a trailer for Zelda: Breath Of The Wild's upcoming DLC. "The Master Trials" seems to mainly deliver harder difficulty modes and enemy variants alongside some new novelty clothes and weapons.

The second DLC gets a purely implied trailer where a montage of cutscenes from the game with an instagram filter play. "The Champion's Ballad" promises story content whereas the first DLC is gameplay additions. Hopefully together they'll be worth the £15 price.

Really? You thought these bastards needed to be tougher?

Oh and the champions are getting amiibos now too...yaaay...I love amiibos

"This changes the game" Oh shit Reggie's back and he's cornered us on an empty beach with no potential witnesses. He claims that E3 is "magic week" and we're shown footage of their outposts at Los Angeles and the Splatoon 2, Pokken and Arms tournaments taking place there. Good for them. I'm not in LA though, I'm in fucking Glasgow so unless you have a set up somewhere between the kilt weavers and Tony Macaroni it doesn't really interest me.

Although the broken fingers do capture the Glasgow spirit.

Yves Guillemot next talks about the Mario + Rabbids game revealed at the start of the Ubisoft conference that seemed to numb the public's perception to how tragically shite the rest of that showcase was. Personally the Rabbids have never lived up to their comedy potential and Yves talking about their "crazy personalities and unpredictable behaviour" really kind of sours me on this game. Replace the Rabbids with those fucking snot coloured Minion cunts and ask yourself if there's honestly a difference.

Try having the Rabbids take a leaf out of Kirby's book for a start.

Two chaps appear to barely talk about Rocket League on Switch which alongside good features like cross-platform online play it has customisation options implied to be putting Mario hats on your car...

Speaking of putting Mario hats on things, turns out that's the freaky new mechanic at the core of Super Mario Odyssey. The new trailer shows Mario possessing the souls of his enemies by flinging his parasitic cap onto them. This brings forth a lot of poignant and unnerving questions...

Like is "Mario" the man or the hat?

 Saying a Mario game looks good is hardly noteworthy but they seem to be making the most of this "real world" setting (I mean there's a T-Rex so unless the game starts quite early and Mario's immortal, I dunno how much realism they're playing with.). And then Nintendo's "Spotlight" ends with a few limp copyright notices and a reminder of their booths and stuff at the actual place.

Overall I feel disappointed with the showcase, spotlight, direct whatever the fuck it's even called anymore. Just under half an hour and they barely had enough to fill the time. Maybe footage will appear separately and specifically for each game throughout E3 but an unwelcome tone was still present.

With bare bones conceptual announcements and lack of description or detail regarding what was featured, Nintendo alongside Sony and Microsoft felt like slapdash cobbled together minimum effort shows. I suppose if pressed, Nintendo's was the least disappointing of the E3 showings but that's hardly high praise at least nowhere near as high as whatever ascended plane of consciousness Reggie's brain is floating on.

Is the frog aware of its host nature or simply made comatose whilst Mario exploits its body for high jumps?

E3 2017 - Sony

Following the success of their Dracula-led orchestra last year, Sony opens their conference with a brand new band...Either that or some buskers found their way into the building. The Middle Eastern tunes grow in intensity as triangular and diamond patterns appear on the screen behind them culminating in this somehow not being an intro to Assassin's Creed Origins.

I mean what connection does this have to anything then? Two vaginas?

The group finishes to a flaccid fade to black followed by a trailer for Unchartered Flight: Lost Luggagey featuring two women I believe were in the mainline Nathan Drake games, now fronting their own temple running, merc gunning adventure. The game looks fine from what you can tell but it's mainly story cutscenes so other than a competent seeming plot, there's not much to parse.

The trailer ends and they quickly throw another one up before the audience realises that Shawn Layden's coke supply is accidentally seeping into the ventilation system. Thankfully the game's scenery is white and wintry to cover it up. The Frozen Wilds DLC for Horizon Zero Dawn looks as fine as Uncharted did with the same vague issue of showing mainly story cutscenes.

Next up is Hell's Zombie Angels which is beating all of Microsoft's zombie shooter games in terms of interest but that's still akin to be the tallest dwarf at the moment. We actually see some gameplay as our biker hero scoots around, shoots a dog and gets into some fisticuffs, featuring the world's quickest and loosest strangulation ever. The game seems to look and play a lot like The Last Of Us which is no bad thing but with the zombie genre having reached saturation point years ago, it'll need more than leather jackets and impressive zombie horde tech to stan-Oh nevermind they've got "zombies" on stage dangling from wires...

Yeeaaaah let's twist again.

That's a lot of set up for one brief synchronised gameplay moment, that some people won't see due to actually paying attention to the game. I only noticed it because the bloody footage cuts away to ensure it. I hope those professional writhers are happy with their paycheck...

The demo finishes with a zombified Winnie The Pooh and some audience fuckwits actually start bowing and praising the screen which is just embarrassing for everyone involved. I don't think anyone even did that kind of sycophantic shit for the Final Fantasy 7 announcement.

I hope for his sake he was a plant.

Shawn Layden arrives on stage visibly upset at his lost stash but ploughing on regardless. He distances himself from the previous showcase claiming that no one told him about the stupid dangling zombie acrobat idea...Hopefully because he would have told them it was fucking stupid. Shawn does the usual circlejerk "Go us" routine with phrases like "it's all about the games" (except for our hired actors and orchestras) "Virtual reality is now a real consumer product" which is a clever way of saying nothing other than it's on the market. Could've been bought by a total of three people so far, all of them youtubers.

He also uses the increasingly irksome word "diverse", just like Microsoft did with their "diverse lineup" that really didn't come anywhere close. It's a good thing to strive for but so far we've seen Tomb Raiders, Snowy Monster Hunter and Last Of Us XL. None of which looked bad but aren't groundbreakingly original either.

Shawn struggles on despite frequent heckles from the audience. He talks about "Strategic partnerships with third party partners" and how "Peter Piper's pickled peppers are paramount to the Playstation platform". After years "Let's recognise the art of gameplay" seems to finally get telepathically beamed from my head to Shawn's and he introduces some jungle-based, dinosaur inhabited, monster hunting type thing tha-Oh it's actually just Monster Hunter, well that saves time.

Full marks for the "Oh shit" expression whilst running.

Unfortunately while we are shown gameplay, some meteoric spanner in the editing room has decided to cut out two seconds of footage between every two seconds of footage making the whole thing a jarring fucking mess to try and watch. Still, this series is supposed to be good, enough so that Sony invested in some limp pyrotechnics for the end of the butchered trailer.

What follows is a genuine surprise in that it's one of those obvious good ideas that people talk about so often and for so long that you assume it will never happen because it hasn't already. Like properly accessible Pringles tubes or democracy. Shadow Of The Colossus being remade for PS4 is unsarcastically a great move. It's a classic game from 2 generations ago, perfect for remastering.

Now just don't do it another five times in the years to come. 

Marvel VS Capcom Infinite continues the trend of extensive story modes for fighting games, which I'm actually a fan of but in this instance it means the trailer is purely cutscenes again. So this tells us very little other than the game looks surprisingly bad graphically and unsurprisingly bad writing wise.

A shame to see Rob Liefeld's still getting work.

Next comes a big step backwards in the form of Call Of Duty WWII who're trying to capitalise on Battlefield's success with World War One by ignoring what made that game work and placing theirs in a setting already thoroughly explored to death...by them.

Speaking of going backwards, Skyrim is coming to PSVR for some reason. Presumably attempting to outdo Minecraft as the most remade, remastered and resold game in existence. Now's about the time when we show off the indie darlings so how about Star Child. A Sci-Fi platformer where you escape demon insects with the help of huge robots. The Inpatient looks like another entry into the woefully bad conditions in mental hospitals genre of horror games.

So as the conference continues to flip-flop between tedium and mild intrigue, it decides to instead go outright insane revealing a fishing game expansion for Final Fantasy (insert number here) set to a cheesy guitar metal soundtrack. Even if this had made me laugh it would not justify an entire title announcement trailer or frankly even a passing mention under someone's breath of a bloody fishing game.

Sean Lock and his roadie don't look too impressed.

So about that diversity? It doesn't apply to VR games right? 'Cos Bravo Team looks and sounds like the most generic FPS military dust tripe I've seen since Call Of Duty five minutes ago. Continuing this VR section they're finally making a Stuart Little game. For some reason though they've given him a sword and called the game Moss. Could be a nice little platformer but I feel like VR's gonna ruin it by making us control a bloody assistance orb other than the plucky mouse protagonist.

A brief unnecessary interlude has a schizophrenic camera go apeshit spinning around a couple of PS4's before moving onto one of the most solid titles of last conference, Dad Of War. The extensive trailer shows more story aspects as Kratos Junior and War Beard travel around hitting things with axes and getting on each other's nerves. If anything manages to be a highlight of the showcase this year it's arguably still Beard Of Dad War.

And I like whatever the hell this thing is.

Now it's time to redefine pretentiousness with David Cage's Detroit and a melodramatic trailer filled with his trademark autistic-sorry auteuristic themes of heavy handed morality and utterly inhuman dialogue. I suppose he gets away with it if they're all androids but from what we see here C3PO's disembodied leg has more humanity than these protagonists.

From a purely gameplay perspective there is none.

I thought the game was actually achieving something close to meaningful when the generic shaved head man frees a bunch of android people and declares "You can be your own masters" followed by all the androids blindly swearing allegiance to him. But apparently Mr Cage didn't pick up on that so shaved head man just dramatically steps off his podium and says "then follow me."

"That's what we are to them, just merchandise on display in a shop window."
No that's literally what you are. What you're saying isn't profound, it's exposition.

A little later shaved head man's sidekick delivers a line I last heard in one of the Star Wars prequels and I officially step off the ride. Not insignificantly pissed off with that hot garbage, a trailer for Destiny 2 does little to sway my mood. Showcasing the Immortan Joe looking villain, alongside some scenery and customisable equipment all looks fine but "fine" should not be the main take away from E3.

Shawn returns, a little too composed and together for my liking, before introducing the new Spiderman game a little too early as the stagehands haven't finished wheeling the screen on yet. Pleasingly we see some uninterrupted gameplay and it becomes quickly apparent that the Batman Arkham style of stealth and combat is the safe direction they're going with this game.

Hopefully this being Spiderman will be enough to keep that system fresh although a bit too much of the other actions appears to be QTE-based which is disappointing. At least the tone and writing seems on point but y'know...We're getting a movie for that.

Like I'm sure we could manage to at least push the analog stick during this.

Cue trendy songs and a big round up of all the trailers with god awful crash zooms edited onto them. Did that seem a little low energy? Do I seem a little low energy? Well that's how both conferences have felt so far. It's like Sony and Microsoft forgot about E3 and had to rapidly slap some shit together last minute. If i wasn't writing this down I'd have forgotten a lot of what was shown already.

And to top it off, Shawn Layden appears almost functional now, to the point where I worry he might never spiral into cocaine madness after all and he'll just return to being a sleazy businessman. I think we can all agree, that's really the biggest disappointment of all here.

Why do you constantly selfishly refuse to ruin your life for my personal head narrative?

E3 2017 - Microsoft

Microsoft's conference (Or Xbox's Briefing as they're now rebranding it) kicks off with a timeline of screen resolutions which manages to be only slightly more dull than it sounds. This puzzling retrospective is followed by a bunch of flashy CG computer parts slotting together, lighting up and exploding showing us the next-generation of red-ring console malfunctions. It ultimately looks like the kind of dramatic sparks and lights montage better suited for the opening to a science fiction film than a conference where substance is already sorely lacking over...well certainly not style but jargon let's say.

Everyone's favourite mid-life crisis Phil Spencer finally arrives on stage to weirdly raucous applause and chanting before gushing about the stage's big 4K TV screen like there isn't always a huge screen at these events. Perhaps I'm just overlooking the significance of 4K...which to give fair warning I will resolutely continue to do throughout the rest of this review.

Phil talks about the three core principles of Xbox despite no one asking. The weirdest of these being "there's no power greater than X". I don't know if that's supposed to be an algebra joke or something but I don't really understand it. Surely if Vin Diesel has taught us anything it's that Triple X is clearly greater than just one.

He continues his preamble explaining how he's "pre-proud" to announce Xbox One X, previously codenamed Scorpio, continuing the tradition of cool codenames being replaced by shit meaningless brand friendly guff. While the One Box X is a bit of a mouthful at least it isn't quite as illogical as the original Xbox One's name reveal itself. I suppose we could have been faced with the Xbox One Q and we'd all be scratching our heads for the duration of the marketing team's psychotherapy sessions.

Supposedly Xbonx is "the most powerful console ever created" at least until they announce a new Pro Slim version next year. A different man enters the stage to get us all hot and bothered about those specifications. It's got so many terraflops and magnum core deluxe double dip masterboard processors that it presumably must resemble some kind of computer console if you can believe that.

Mister Speaker also walks the party line of attempting to repeat the word "4K" as many times as it represents. They slip this bloody buzzword into so much of the conference I start imagining a little cutlery creature called "Forkey" or a parallel dimension town of "Torquay".

The fine line between confidence and smugness becomes damn-near anorexic as he talks about the Scorpio chip which is "so intense" and how the processor was so good they named it after the bloke who made it, like they're the Henry Heimlich of gaming. Xbonx is also apparently "the most technically advanced console we've ever created." Well I'd hope so to be honest...Don't want to crack the whip too hard but I'd maybe like to think you're actually trying to improve over time.

"Liquid-cooled Vapor Chamber" just sounds like a hipster cafe to me.

All the specs jargon talk seems to please the irritating whooping bro crowd and I feel incredibly stupid when I only start to comprehend proceedings again when the speaker claims Xbonx is the smallest Xbox ever.

"Let's see what this monster can do" he quips before fatally introducing a trailer for Forza Motorsport 7. Now I know that every year I say the racing-sim game trailer looks identical to the last one but with the new Xbox One X's unprecedentedly hyped powerhouse technology it actually looks...the same, it looks exactly the fucking same, same as every year. Forza might as well be called Groundhog Motorsport Day because I'll decompose before I figure out what they're doing different, how they still sell any games and why these chucklefucks always present it as a groundbreaking new benchmark every poxy year.

It turns out I was naive to think they had realised how dumb, shallow and out of place bringing an actual car on stage was because this year they've returned to their moronic tradition with a vengeance. Dan Greenawalt and his angry eyes full of hatred announce a Porsche car never seen by anyone before ever except the guys who made it and they were all killed afterwards and their family's tongues were cut out and the assembly machines were dismantled and NSA employees were fired but fired out of cannons and holy fuck guys get hype for this fucking car on stage please.

They reveal the car and lo and behold it looks just like a car. The only noteworthy thing about it is the, shall we say "spontaneous" decision to name it after an infamous terrorist attack. The new Porsche Holocaust then gets its own advert space as Dan reprograms himself into a horrible sponsored monologue of bollocks that feels so out of place I wonder if the tone and context of this entire segment was actually designed by Pepsi.

"Just come up on stage and place your money in my open hands."

Phil returns to defibrillate me with claims of the "most diverse lineup of games Xbox has ever had" he furthers this bold claim announcing that they will show 44 games on stage this conference, half of which will be Xbox exclusive. I won't hold my breath that 39 of those games won't be a second of footage each in a later indie games montage. 

Finally moving onto some games we see a debut trailer for Metro Exodus, the third game in the increasingly topical post-apocalyptic Russian FPS series. I'm quite fond of this series but despite the trailer supposedly being all "in-engine" it was very blatantly scripted so that's either a lie or applies only to the graphics at best. Gameplay and tone seems much the same but perhaps a greater capacity for exploration with zipwires and steam trains shown off alongside the standard wasteland mutants and toxic air. Still hoping for Vladimir Putin Hulk Monster as the final boss.

He can only be killed by homoerotic bullets.

The next "world premiere" trailer (they're very keen that we know that detail every time.) is for Assassin's Creed Origins which marks the series' return after Ubisoft realised that cranking the games out annually degrades the overall quality to the point of forgetting to give character's faces. Set in Ancient Egypt we see gladiatorial fights, horseback archery and interestingly some purely mythical beasts. French David Baddiel then comes on stage to show us a brief gameplay demo.

Much of the core gameplay remains unchanged but additions include more RPG elements like levelling up in some respect and acquiring and replacing equipment and weapons. The developers also seem to be embracing the more supernatural elements of the series with the character seeing through nearby eagles to mark targets and scout ahead as well as seemingly controlling a shot arrow's trajectory mid-air. 

I think many people are too fatigued with the mediocrity and saturation of this series to give it a chance anymore and I can't really blame them but this first look is promising. It appears to promise a return to what the series is actually about (That's assassination in case all the property management clouded your memory.) as well as some new gameplay features which are hopefully not the entirety of the changes to the well-worn formula. Time will tell I suppose, or failing that October 27th this year.

Phil Spencer returns to pass the baton to a man named Brendan Greene who is apparently famous enough to also be known by the moniker "Player Unknown."...Ironically. The game at the heart of this is "Player Unknown's Battlegrounds" which having now looked up who this guy is, I realise he's named the game after himself. I thought that kind of reputation only came from decades of acclaimed work as in the likes of Tom Clancy or Sid Meier. 

Brendan Greene's prior work seems to include mod work for Dayz and...that's about it. What a horrifically smug introduction to a game that doesn't even look very good. A standard online multiplayer shooter with large maps, vehicles and slightly less chronic jank than DayZ. There might be some cult following for this but consider me personally uninitiated and filled with resounding indifference.

The next trailer is a quirky FPS called Deep Rock Galactic but Minecraft with guns might have been more appropriate. The most surprising part of the trailer for State Of Decay 2 is the number two as I don't remember there ever being a first and from the looks of this equally forgettable generic zombie shooter, I'm amazed a sequel is even in production.

Next up a CG trailer quickly turns into a face-cramp inducing cringing shitshow with a bearded egg live commentating on stage for a third person arena shooter no one yet gives a fuck about.

I don't think you could get away with this cheese-laden dreck for an actually established popular shooter like Overwatch so whoever thought it was a good idea to add this element to a wholly unannounced game was clearly smoking the fungus growing in the commentator's beard. The words "The Darwin Project" appear on screen but it's unclear if that's the game's title or the explanation for the failed test subject shouting on stage.

This set up also suggests your game is not actually interesting enough on its own....

Pain persists as the aggravating chirpy smirk of Lydia Winters returns to talk about fucking Minecraft again and her piercing one-note delivery seems an ironic contrast to her message of inclusiveness as all ten billion versions of Minecraft on phones, consoles, PC, toasters, heart monitors, missile launchers, et cetera will now play together on connected servers so you can now build a giant dick on someone's Nintendo palace or chase mobile players with an axe just for existing.

Wait you think that's it? No because they need to show a trailer for the "Super Duper Graphics Pack" making the six year old game look as detailed as it did in the hundreds of mods already released years ago doing this exact thing.

But I guess it is 4K. You know? 4K? The new HD? You should really care about 4K, it's seriously the best, trust me. We're going to keep saying it until you buy our 4K products out of mentally damaged stockholm syndrome compulsion.

I'll pay you 4K to shut the fuck up about it.

The Last Night looks like the natural progression of Devolver Digital's pixel art games into more cinematic and serious territory except not actually developed by Devolver in any way. "Odd Tales" and publisher "Raw Fury Games" may have pulled the rug out from under them if this proves successful.

You may have noticed these banners are on every single game.

The Artful Escape has a cartoony art style and features a guy with glasses who may be an astronaut and/or guitarist. The brief trailer makes pretty much no sense but I guess it's good to fill that quota of one or two indie games with no clear plot, gameplay or purpose.

We also see more of Rare's Sea Of Thieves, the online multiplayer pirate game that could be good were it not for the grating voiceovers that always accompany the footage. I know it won't be in the full game but it still tarnishes initial impressions when you're subjected to constant unnecessary shit jokes (Don't throw stones in glass houses I know). That aside, the game's freedom of exploration, treasure hunting and teamwork mechanics look like fun and I'm more hopeful than last year that this could be an amusing multiplayer romp if everything holds up on the technical side.

A cartoon rodent begins hopping around the screen and for a moment I'm worried they've dragged Conker back into some half-arsed cameo shite but it is in fact some original fox mascot presumably called Lucky for the game "Super Lucky's Tale." This kind of colourful mascot platforming is making a resurgence recently with characters like Crash Bandicoot being brought back from the dead. Everything in the trailer seems solid so time will tell if it's merely competent or can join the ranks of the platforming greats alongside Mr Bandicoot, Mario, Spyro and others.

But where or when does retro become generic again?

Speaking of dead platformers, the long awaited, 30's animation-styled game Cuphead finally gets a release date of September 29th after appearing at E3 for the past four years.

Crackdown 3 gets an intro the likes of which only Terry Crew's style of insanity could deliver. It's a shame that once the actual gameplay trailer starts the footage looks profoundly mediocre.

Now right on cue comes the montage of indie games to a trendy song giving us a blink's worth of information for each as if Microsoft are simultaneously ashamed of these games while trying to hold them aloft as evidence of their "diversity". Much like last year I will attempt to glean as much information as humanly possible from each game, going purely from what Microsoft felt comfortable showing us.

Osiris - A levitating astronaut who can pilot spaceships, space tanks and also shoot some alien bugs.

Raiders Of The Broken Planet - Team-based third person shooter with airships seemingly designed by a freelancing Doctor Robotnik.

Unruly Heroes -  A 2D platformer with a tribal character performing hack and slash type gameplay within a pleasing Rayman-esque art style.

Path Of Exile - Exiled perhaps for looking too much like top down, dungeon crawler classic Gauntlet?

Battlerite -  Same as above with cartoon Sci-Fi aesthetic.

Surviving Mars -  Simcity: Martian Edition.

Fable Fortune - Fucking card game.

Observer - Sci-Fi horridor down the corridor.

Robotcraft Infinity - Robot Wars Series 900.

Dunk Lords - Space Jam but without the fun.

Minion Masters: Forced To Duel - Tower defence Pong?

Brawlout - Specifically Super Smash Bros Brawlout.

Ooblets - Charming cartoon villagers with totalitarian undertones regarding a race of mushroom people.

Dark Light - Hold my beer, I'm gonna do a Skyrim.

Strange Brigade - Nathan Drake time travels to shoot robots and indigenous tribesmen.

Riverbond - See Battlerite but with a pixellated aesthetic.

Hello Neighbour - Designed from the ground up specifically with Pewdiepie in mind.

Shift - Mid-air anime sword fights...Forever.

Conan Exiles - A Colossus, a Metroid, an elephant and that CG bull-dragon thing Anakin rides in Star Wars Episode 2. Kill them all with spears.

Next we see some of Ashen which appears to be very Dark Souls inspired in terms of theming, plot and gameplay but with a more cartoonish aesthetic where no one has a face for some reason. Still I'm mildly interested.

Life Is Hipster comes next with a prequel game or DLC called Before The Storm which looks hella like the first Life Is Strange bae so if you were like totes emosh for that you'll probably be like sadface for this too in a good way LOLFML.

Game Of Throne's Littlefinger takes the stage to introduce the sequel to Shadow Of Mordor creatively titled Shadow Of War. The gameplay demo seems to show improvements on all the things that worked best for the original, expanding the Nemesis system of grudge-holding, returning enemies to include personable allies whom you can recruit for large scale castle sieges. Hopefully all this will elevate the series above being a textbook example of an 8/10 game.

Well...Some versions were considered 8/10...

Phil comes back on stage managing to maintain the one shirt for the entire conference and waxes lyrical for a while before announcing backwards compatibility for original Xbox games on the Xbox One. So you can play Xbox one games on your Xbox One...Make sense?

He blabbers on about the Xbonx's enhancement capabilities before the usual masturbatory round up of the successes shown on stage today, even repeating the claim of "largest and most diverse lineup" which having reached the end of the show I'm pretty certain they have not lived up to. Either that or the standards for a "diverse lineup" are so low that anything not holding a gun is considered revolutionary.

Uri Geller's son arrives, who works for EA because he can't bend spoons but can bend the definition of ethical business practices. With all the enthusiasm and facial levity of a man whose wife just left them for the neighbour's dog, he introduces a man from Bioware to pointlessly stand on stage and immediately introduce a trailer for their Mass Effect necromancy project entitled Anthem.

To my surprise it's actually quite different from the corpse it was plucked from and more resembles Destiny or even a third person Titanfall. Everything seems centred around the Exosuits you pilot and the world is far more open and free-roaming allowing you to fly, swim or clunkily run across the largely overgrown forested world. We get a glimpse at larger mechanical enemies alongside a few alien creatures and significant weather changes and hazards. 

In the brief dialogue scene beforehand, it transpires that developers seem to have fixed their long-term condition of "Bioware Face". Characters will now actually move around, turn their head, break eye contact and just generally act more human whilst talking to you rather than staring bug-eyed into your soul and swatting a fly away every fifteen seconds.

Clearly this guy's anthem would be David Hasselhoff.

I was a big fan of the Mass Effect series but the shitshow surrounding 3 and Andromeda has left me cautious and bitter. I'm not sure Anthem is any kind of replacement and perhaps that's for the best. The gameplay looks solid and I can get behind customisable mech combat but it's still early days yet and I frankly don't trust EA at this point not to mangle Bioware's best ideas and sell us the offal.

Which sums up Microsoft's conference overall really. A big burnt sausage stuffed with unmentionable spam from unknown origins and some very brief hints of flavour you're not entirely convinced you even tasted.

Sausage...