Friday 20 December 2013

DMC: Devil May Cry - Review

Well i'll start with the problems everyone else seemed to have with this reboot. The main "controversial" issues i heard beforehand were the protagonist Dante's hair colour and the soundtrack, neither of which personally bothered me. This is firstly because it's a reboot and despite what the recent world of films and videogames would demonstrate that usually means the franchise undergoing significant changes. These issues secondly didn't bother me for the fact that they are actually not significant changes despite what screaming over-obsessed fans would claim.

Dante's hair is now black but upon entering the devil trigger mode it turns white as it used to be and after first achieving this he earns a permanent white streak through his black hair. If you can quell your rage long enough to beat the game you even unlock a costume change solely to turn his hair white and similarly styled to the old Dante. Would you kindly now calm the fuck down.

The other so called problem was the slightly more electronic and modern soundtrack. When i first caught whiff of this, i thought the whole game had been dubstepped on but in actuality it's still a primarily metal soundtrack with a few club or rave elements. The only distinctly Skrillexian tune i heard was accompanying the penultimate boss battle and there were far more prominent disappointments than the soundtrack at that point.

I don't think anyone can blame the new DMC of disgracing it's predecessors as the developers are clearly fans of the series and while they poke fun at the old games they also honour them with all the achievements being quotations from past games, signature moves being recreated and even classic lines and themes getting a knowing nod here and there. Right, now that's out of the way we'll start properly.

DMC brings the series firmly into the modern era but unlike the abysmal second instalment of the old series, it mixes this realism with what it calls Limbo. A purgatorial plain where demons roam freely and the very environment warps and twists to foil or trap you. This is the main stand out highlight of this new game, they've achieved a surreal modern art style that doesn't bore you to tears and genuinely invokes a feeling of oppression and being hunted which weaves perfectly in with the main narrative's themes. Heavily graffitied streets brimming with demonic disease, twisted neon nightclubs or the clinical filtered digital insides of a news program. It's interesting to look at and enticing to play through and the art direction for most of the game is to be applauded.

Remaining in positive territory the core gameplay is mostly solid also. Mainly the combat which is fast, fun, brutal, in depth and everything it should be for a Devil May Cry game. If anything brings you back to replaying the game it'll be the sheer variety of combos, the satisfying impact of most of the different weapons and the allure of maxing out your stylish points. In short the combat is the second major highlight of this new DMC and it stands proudly amongst the best systems of the old titles.


Unfortunately you soon start running out of good things to say about DMC almost as quickly as it's very short campaign wraps itself up. Dante definitely has an arc throughout the story and the side characters are kept few so we can grow accustomed to them and have a fair amount of time to learn their own secrets and motivations. The writing overall is...mixed. There are times when it really shines and these feel like complex, real characters within a witty and self-aware game. Then there are other times where dialogue feels clichéd and cheesy without the wit or self-aware irony.

The narrative is on a mostly downhill slope, starting off pretty interesting with Dante being a smug carefree prick living a life of lust and lethargy until the smart but scarred character of Kat brings him out of his sleazy world and gives him greater purpose, reuniting him with his past and twin brother Vergil. All this amongst a backdrop of a heavily monitored and oppressed society, with a monopolised manipulative media satirising Fox News, polluted iconic popular consumables, reminiscent of a global brand like Pepsi albeit under the perspective of conspiracy theorists. It's truly a Devil May Cry for the modern age, so it's all the more of a shame when it ends up feeling like the worst parts of games we've already seen.

The narrative builds nicely but becomes more and more predictable and cliched whilst slowly this underlying theme of an Orwellian society takes a back seat to mystical, super-powered adventures in magic land. This instead of the subtle blend between the familiar and the fantastical the start of the game accomplishes. As i mentioned the writing also begins to feel less polished and characters start speaking and acting unrealistically, leading to some effectively built up tensions and conflicts that feel utterly underwhelming, unsatisfying or forced by the end. Even the level design becomes more bland and grey after such a strong opening.


Back in the realms of gameplay it's worth noting that the platforming sections that break up the combat can be more than a little clumsy and the game is not without some fairly glaring glitches in places. Then there's the increasingly common tendencies of modern games to strip you of all your abilities and set you following the path of another character (usually down a bland corridor) whilst exposition and plot happens. It's good and important that we have these bonding moments with characters so we care what happens to them later, but they can be made more interesting and ideally intertwine with the gameplay better than simply, travelling, tag along, storytime moments.

There's a constant contrast between moments of considered, well thought out design and cheap, gimmicks we've all seen before. There are new enemies introduced regularly and many of them are innovatively designed and varied, as are some of the bosses, but the further you get in the game the more ideas seem to run out. Fighting through a news program is a great new idea, the final boss of it being a giant floating head is not. The penultimate boss battle with the game's main antagonist Mundus, who has been really effectively built up as a dormant demonic God, secretly pulling the world's strings, ends up being the standard triple A massive monster fight against a disappointingly dull giant.

Perhaps the game is so short because they realised they were running out of good ideas, but that's not a great sign for the first title in a so called reboot. That said there are a fair amount of collectibles and extras if you enjoy such things and don't mind replaying the levels, along with the many sadistic difficulty settings common to DMC games but it doesn't personally make up for such a short overall story. Things are left pretty blatantly unfinished for sequels and even DLC to slowly expand upon, after sucking up more of your money of course. I don't want to sound overly cynical here because i like the bones of this new series and it has the potential to become something really different and interesting, but i feel quite ripped off with only roughly half of the short game fulfilling this potential.

If you're genuinely interested in this new series, be you a fan of the old one or not, and can forgive the games' brief length and increasingly lacklustre moments, there is definite fun to be had here. If you enjoy titles in the arguable "Hack and slash" genre DMC in terms of combat is a great addition to that category. If you're hoping for the kind of satirical strong narrative or drastic re-imagining of Devil May Cry that the trailers and promotion hinted at you could well be eventually disappointed. More than anything else, i look forward to seeing how this new series develops in the future.









Friday 29 November 2013

Batman: Arkham Origins - Review

The main interest in this prequel is seeing Gotham's villains and heroes before their prime, inexperienced and young as well as giving some of Batman's lesser known villains their time in the spotlight. The assassins premise i find genuinely interesting and the game seemed set on it's story with the eight master killers hunting down Batman for Black Mask's fifty million dollar reward. It's a shame then that after a linear but decent opening involving a breakout at Blackgate prison the game nosedives into what feels just like a remake of Arkham City and Asylum.

Some of the map from Arkham City is cloned here albeit with a Christmas makeover, whilst the game mechanics and controls are shamelessly exactly the same. Raft lassoing, steam dodging, pulling down walls and floors, gliding across the city, interrogating thugs, hostage saving, being poisoned, being mind controlled, following blood trails, all fun admittedly but the same fun most players have had in two games already.

Instead of exploring the assassins themselves and inducing an atmosphere of being hunted the game falls back on the same villains it has before. Often in incredibly cheap and familiar ways it spends most of it's time with Penguin, Joker and Bane which whilst we would expect to see them in some capacity starting their criminal careers, we were lead to believe the focus was on Black Mask and his assassins. Perhaps this is just the marketing of the game accidentally proving inconsistent with the actual plot or perhaps due to the game wanting it's own big twist, as Arkham City had, it deliberately mislead it's audience. Something Arkham City didn't have to do and yet still had a better story than the one portrayed here.

That's not to say Origin's story is bad, it's just nothing remarkable.There are some nice moments such as the first confirmed sighting of the Batman, the increased banter and conflict between Alfred and Bruce or some of the Joker's origin details, most of which are taken from The Killing Joke, so they're good albeit not original. It's just a waste that it spends so much time on these characters we've seen before and have been explored thoroughly already. Six of the eight assassins appear as boss battles, some of which are no more than glorified QTE's or regular thug fights and two of the assassins are completely omitted from the central story and reduced to side mission quests.  The only exceptional encounter is with Firefly and that's the penultimate stage of the game. You don't feel at all like Batman has a bounty on his head which makes me wonder why they gave so much attention to it in all the trailers.

Maybe this was only a disappointment to me but i wanted to see Black Mask and the assassins developed and explored. Batman has arguably the best rogues gallery of any superheroes and yet we remain fixed on the Joker who's been so overdone at this point it's just depressing. That said, some of the heroes do get more fleshed out origins like Jim Gordon and Alfred but overall the game feels indecisive, mixed and unsettled. It improves in the second half but it takes far too long to get to this point and by the time the game has picked up the pace it's essentially over.

Another Joker story was the safe option, there's no denying he's the most interesting character, it just would've been nice to explore someone else for a change.
The gameplay itself works well enough, though the sense that there's too much city and too few grapple points becomes apparent fairly quickly. Travelling through Gotham just isn't that fun and with a much bigger map it can easily feel like a chore. Then there are the multiple reasons why every ordinary citizen is at home which is a missed opportunity for a livelier Gotham and yet again gives a feeling like you're playing one of the previous games where the streets are only ever populated with criminals.

The game is also quite glitchy, there's some bad interaction detection on climbing and breaking walls, grappling more often bugs out whilst bodies sometimes unnaturally glide into or through surfaces. The gameplay that stands out has already been shown off extensively in all the advertising for this game and is the bare minimum you'd expect for a sequel.There's about two new gadgets and the crime scene reconstructions, whilst enjoyable, new and interesting, there's very few of them. 

There's nothing inherently wrong with Origins because it's based on far superior games, but there's lots of minor missteps that detract from the enjoyment. For example, the upgrade system is trying to follow an electronic bat-computerised theme, the downside is this makes all the menus cold and clinical. There's almost no indication of when you choose an upgrade so it's not satisfying to do and you lose the incentive to level up. Then there's the early levels hunting Penguin again who has this awfully voiced irritating English assistant acting as a make-shift Harley Quinn whilst you go through tedious industrial looking levels situated on a boat. It's not memorable and the only good ideas are ones we've already seen.

In the challenge mode you can play as the assassin Deathstroke who was overhyped in all the trailers and then given shockingly little time in the actual game. Oddly though he doesn't kill anyone when you play as him. Let me just restate that, DEATHstroke the ASSASSIN doesn't kill anyone in this game...or how about breaking into the GCPD and tightrope walking above a crowd of SWAT Officers. Officers who don't even flinch if you drop down amongst them and walk right up to their faces. It's little details like that which combine to produce an ultimately underwhelming experience.

I really wanted to like Arkham Origins but in truth it's one of the laziest sequels i've come across. If you're desperate for more Batman and already have the two previous games then Origins relieves a certain itch i suppose, but if you're expecting anything different from the previous games you'll be disappointed.

Friday 22 November 2013

Gravity - Cinema Review

Gravity is a harrowing desolate breath of freezing fresh air for space-based astronaut antics. It focuses on the simplest and not even the most dramatic ways space can so easily kill you. The biggest threat throughout the film is simply drifting off into the abyss and it makes every scene a nail-biting tightrope act to watch. If the film is weak in any areas i would say it's the necessary routine opening that wastes no time but does have to lay the net of false security in order to pull the rug from beneath you later.

Rather than compare Gravity to other space-faring features it reminds me more of a film like 127 Hours, which for those unaware is similarly spent in isolation with gradual creeping danger albeit on relatively solid ground. The basic premise is simple enough in Gravity, where a standard operation becomes hazardous due to accelerating debris crossing paths with our three person crew. Cut off from support, safety and well...everything,  the protagonist Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) clings to fellow crew member and astronaut veteran Matt Kowalski (George Clooney). Dwindling oxygen supplies, the next impending storm of debris and simply having a firm grasp on something man-made in the inky swallowing blackness become the priorities of survival for these two.

As a primarily two person show, particular mention must go to the acting from both Bullock and Clooney who play off each other as newcomer and veteran incredibly well. The writing from Alfonso and Jonas Cuaron is also solid for the most part and works well amidst the pacing of reflective silence and dramatic desperation that the film swings between. Incredible as the exploits are in the film, they never divert into unrealism and whilst i'm not experienced enough to know if Gravity portrays space accurately, it seems to handle it's own physics very well and it really feels like these fragile people are adrift amongst tiny rafts of safety in this endless vacuous cosmos.

The atmosphere of isolation is potent and can be really chilling especially in the latter half of the film. The Earth is a constant giant looming reminder of life and yet feels so impossibly far away for the essentially crippled astronauts trying desperately to limp through space to safety. The visuals are appropriately stunning in both their majesty and bleakness, detail and desolation. I've not seen a great amount of space films and those i have are highly regarded titles such as 2001: A Space Odyssey and Moon which both capture the isolation of space very well in their own way. That said Gravity should definitely be considered within their orbit as an intensely personal and close gripping drama unique in it's focus on (or lack of) location as we see just how empty the great surrounding emptiness really is.




Friday 8 November 2013

Gutless (Part Two)



The rain lays heavy on the greyed ruinous town. I try to wash down the sweet with savoury in the hope of alleviating the sickness. More than the ten pound cinema ticket my initial idiotic indulgence cost me. It’s not a revelation that the cinema prices are ludicrous but my appearance is also becoming absurd and the tumour swells in pain as I trudge towards another supplier. Water flows past me down the street as if willing me to turn back and forget this foolish notion. I’m on the brink of overdosing but I’m spurred on by the illness in all its degrading decadence.

They already know my preference as I enter and a deep shame simmers inside me as they hand me the stuff. Even the potato shards taste like they’re made of yeast and starch and the groaning patchwork sky gazes down on me with disappointment. The traditional British meal starts to taste like cardboard and the side order has substance like soft mushy shit. It’s not an appetising contrast and the desecrated meat tube falls apart in my mouth.

I don’t want this and yet I need it like I need air. The silver screen icons seduce me in memory with fantasy six-pacs and heroic physiques totally impossible to me. I curse myself for all the good it does and try to imagine myself with an appearance like them. Fantasies are all I have now.

There’s nothing more than crunchy shrapnel in the bottom of the paper, I finish the pork pole unsatisfyingly as its mild tang prods and pokes my catatonic taste-buds. I lose myself in the swirl of this pathetic cone of crap. I think about leaner, healthier times, before the addictions before the need for such meagre primitive fixes. I’ve gone too far this time, I’ve taken it all much too far. I am Jabba The Fucking Hutt. 

The film of my life would end there, but life is so upsettingly far from a film. I arrive home and sink into my own sweat and seething ulcers. The chair strains under my influence and I pitch pointless prose into the ether. I wipe the residue from my neck and feel like dying here. I want to beat myself to death and fall underneath myself into the endless dark judgeless abyss. The tumour groans and swells as usual and I pray I could cut myself clean but life isn’t necessarily progress, and my life is decidedly downhill.

This is the end, I need something to work towards and mundane normalities won’t satisfy. Filling in forms can go fuck themselves. I’m going to become the silver screen icons, I’m going to purge this tumour from my mass. I can’t stomach my own stomach so I’ll beat myself into abstinence. I’m going cold turkey from cold turkey and everything similar. There will be no part three…

Friday 1 November 2013

Thor 2: The Dark World - Cinema Review

Thor 2: The Dark World faced overwhelming odds; post-avengers hype and one of my phenomenally bad moods. I sat seething for a long while at my mistakes in the timing leading me to reluctantly attend a 3D showing. Kevin Bacon's increasingly humourless twattery only irritated me further and i was not in the mood for the mythical exposition with which the film opens. That said, anyone entering a showing of Thor expecting anything other than grand Lord Of The Rings style fantasy worlds and lore will not enjoy this film.

There is a lot more suspension of disbelief required in the Thor films than arguably any of the other avengers and the contrast between grimy, grey London and the transcendental Asgard is more than a little jarring though perhaps intentionally so. The first Thor film left me feeling a sense of forgettable mediocrity where Loki was a far more magnetic personality than the titular hero.  It seems i was not alone as Loki features significantly in the sequel. He provides some much needed humour and underlying tension as well as rightfully dictating the film's major plot twists. His subtle menacing psychosis, damaged backstory and hypnotic unpredictability were the highlight of the film and the makers did well to recognise his appeal and bring it forward. Unfortunately this still leaves me preferring the villain to the hero of this series which is surely not the intention.

A good effort is made to remedy Thor's potential blandness through his romance with Natalie Portman's Jane Foster. The film tries admirably to give her purpose beyond love interest and her parallel scientific storyline is at least relevant to the cosmological shenanigans at play during the film. Though in trying to make her fit into every scene she spends a good amount of time unconscious which isn't really exploring the character.

The new villain Malekith sadly comes off as archaic and one-dimensional and whilst he is built well enough as this imposing, dangerous figure, it bears very little meaning overall when he becomes just another thing to hit with the hammer. The actions scenes are suitably groundbreaking (literally not conceptually) and they bring a fair amount of spectacle to what should be a spectacular film but ultimately there is little tension for a character that can be smacked through mountains and survive.

The film peaks about half-way and whilst promising a potentially very experimental climax with the equinox of different realities it doesn't use this set-up for anymore than random teleportations which is a little disappointing but still spices up the fight scenes. There's nothing flagrantly broken or confusing with Thor 2 but there's very little remarkable as well. There are plenty of nice moments usually involving Loki or the comical juxtaposition of Thor in our mundane little world and for a film with so much grandiose fantastical majesty it does well to not take itself too seriously. I prefer Dark World to the first film but Loki remains the dominant presence and the main pull that brought me to see it. Everything else felt somewhat like a novelty or maybe that's just my bad mood.


Sunday 13 October 2013

Filth - Cinema Review

Filth couldn't be more true to its name, there is depravity in the very pores of this film but if that doesn't turn you away you'll find a brutally brilliant drama that will knock as much out of you as it does its characters. Based on Irvine Welsh's 1998 novel, the film is a shameless comedy and unflinching character drama that focuses on a man named Bruce Robertson, a thoroughly corrupt detective who appears to be pulling the strings on his colleagues in the run up to a potential promotion.

The film naturally has a twisted sense of humour and the overall atmosphere is undoubtedly the work of the man behind Trainspotting. That said, there is a sophistication present which comes in the form of Bruce's wife Carole who, whilst corrupt in her own way, seems to live in a noir-style fantasy world that couldn't be further from the grimy Scottish streets we see Bruce and his colleagues patrol. Slowly the film becomes less about the promotion and more about Bruce's mental state as he grapples with drug addictions, sexual frustrations and his own tragic past coming back to haunt him.

Filth is loaded with depth for the characters and for all its eccentricities it portrays a cast of painfully real, complex and damaged people. James McAvoy is potent as the protagonist Bruce and the film is almost worth seeing for his performance alone. Thankfully his role is flanked by some other excellent actors, effective pacing and very strong writing. I'll admit i've not read the book so perhaps some flaws in the translation are lost on me but Filth gripped me almost immediately and whilst undeniably hard to watch in places, stop watching i absolutely could not.

To delve much deeper is to spoil the best of what Filth has to offer so i'll simply finish on a recommendation and state that this sordid feast of a film is far more than its shallow appearance would suggest.


Unconscious Hallucinations Wrenched From Temporary Night Death - 13th October 2012

A crippling cold blizzard forces me and Laura to take shelter in an ice cave of sorts. We need to get two blank CDs and burn something onto them. Our progress is hindered by a long corridor of gun turrets and by the time we've dealt with them (we had rocket launchers y'see) we were nearly frozen to death. I tell Laura to stay back and i run down the long corridor as it splits into several others and soon becomes a maze.

Thankfully i soon find a room in the cave filled with turned off computers and several secondary school students staring at the black screens. I start asking them individually if they have any blank CDs i could buy and whilst there begin flicking a few large red switches which turn all the computers on, much to the amazement of the students. I go to sit down at one of the desks, hoping i can find another way of transferring the thing (it might have been film rushes, can't quite remember) when some chubby, oblivious guy steals my seat and starts chatting to his friend next to him.

I state that i had already taken this seat and he carries on talking as if i'm invisible. I tell him to shut up for a second because i'm in a rush and i shove him out of the seat. He responds with a lukewarm "you shut up." and knocks me and the seat to the floor.
Increasingly frustrated i sprint back down the corridors (i know, that's the most unbelievable part of this whole thing) and thankfully find Laura still there but clearly freezing to death. I try to explain what happened in about three seconds resulting in a mess of speech that may or may not have made sense. I say to Laura, who seems quietly pissed off at my failing, to go back and she nods in agreement. She returns to the entrance of the cave which is now a river and gets in a rowing boat before slowly rowing out of sight.

Suddenly a grizzly bear in its own boat speeds past Laura and violently beaches itself on the shore or the ice cave. Concluding that a large brown bear (regardless of boating expertise) could be dangerous i hurry back to the computer room. Along the way Stephen Merchant is setting up shop and trying to attract customers. I ask if he has any blank CDs and he says yes so i go round to the back of his stall and he awkwardly admits he hasn't.

Continuing down the hall Stephen Merchant the merchant calls back to me and i see the grizzly bear has somehow got stuck on top of a wooden guillotine thing (between the roof of it and the blade, so balanced on top of the blade). Some other people appear from somewhere and ask if i'm going to help the bear. I say no it could be dangerous and a short man ignores me and helps the bear down anyway. Remembering something i may have read somewhere that you shouldn't run from a bear, i reluctantly trek through the maze with these two randomers and a grizzly bear. It is awkward.

We finally reach the computer room and i call to the entire room if anyone has any blank CDs, stating i can pay for them. The students are unsettled by the presence of the bear and i try to lighten the mood by joking "He's not here for intimidation" or something similar, and the students chuckle. A girl just in front of us turns around slightly and says she has some blank CDs. I thank her excessively and she retrieves them from her bag, whilst the bear stands on it's hind legs for some reason. The rest is faded and gone forever i'm afraid.

Monday 7 October 2013

How I Live Now - Cinema Review

How I Live Now is an odd cocktail of genres, appearing initially almost like a comedy before gradually taking on romantic elements and finally diving into harsh apocalyptic drama. This might make the film sound indecisive but all the close character-focused set up empowers the second half of the film by giving us real characters we've come to know thrown into a world we very much don't.

At first i was all prepared to hate this film.
The protagonist is a prickly, insecure teenager called Daisy who winds up reluctantly and resentfully at her cousin's home in the English countryside after living with her also much resented father in New York. At first it's a fish out of water scenario and Daisy seethes and despises everyone around her. It isn't until ripped country bumpkin Eddie enters the scene that her interest is piqued and she slowly warms to the family.

So far so moody teenager in unfamiliar twee rural lifestyle, but then hints of disruption elsewhere in the world begin filtering into the story. Starting with vague sugarcoated tv and radio reports moving onto sudden weather abnormalities. The real world creeps into Daisy's new life and it becomes apparent that this is what she left New York to try and avoid. The foreboding circumstances help Daisy and Eddie grow closer and the film handles this relationship very naturally, giving it time to grow and subside where needed. They feel like two real and unique people who each have something to offer the other.

You almost forget that they're cousins and that this is kind of weird...
Unfortunately the film doesn't get to explore this further before becoming an end of the world drama and separating the lovers but perhaps this best reflects love's fleeting brilliance before the world notices and stamps out the flame. The boot, in this instance, comes in the form of a military enforced evacuation due to nuclear terrorism spreading to England. The characters are forcefully torn apart and Daisy returns to the dead-eyed soul we saw at the start of the film. This girl has only love to live for and this fuels her escape with her youngest cousin to try and find their way back to Eddie and the farm.

This brings in days of harsh survival, trekking through the woods overcoming real dangers and their own internal doubts. The film is now miles away from where it started and it's debatable whether this embodies a great journey or confused schizophrenia. The film ends up drawing similarities with films like The Road and Children Of Men which personally ticks all my boxes but i fear for many the oppressive dark realism might be too depressing.

Things get fucked up basically...
Despite this the film recaptures some of its magic towards the end with a finale that blends the two halves of the film quite well, being both ambiguous in some areas and giving closure in others. The main change is in the protagonist Daisy who becomes stronger as the need arises for all her surviving family. Saoirse Ronan delivers some intensely powerful acting throughout and the film's editing and score compliment this extremely well.

Ultimately i enjoyed the film but it does feel as though it tries to do too much. In places this creates a truly unique setting and story whilst in others it feels like a schizophrenic combination of other films. That said if you enjoy apocalypse films or just want something intense and character driven i would still highly recommend it.

Tuesday 1 October 2013

Steve Graduates

Graduayurhh...Graduaeurhh...I need sleep, i legitimately cannot function before midday and this level of presentability this early is a ridiculous demand. I luckily grabbed a lucozade before heading out, hopefully i'll have a chance to down it before the ceremony. We enter a building primarily used for swimming and gyming so i'm already out of place. I'm separated from my mum and nan and pointed towards a set of stairs. Having to switch to an independent thinking mindset i cleverly deduce i must ascend the steps in order to progress.

Next i enter a large sports hall flanked with different graduate related boards and backdrops. I fetch my gown and assorted toffery at which point someone mercifully shows me how the hell i'm meant to wear it. It feels like a dressing gown suspended in the process of falling off, which isn't good for anyone's nerves. I waft (as this is the only way one can move in these things) into an area dubbed photographs and i eventually reunite with mum and nan.

Another long wait commences as we queue approaching the photographers. I watch the other graduates preen and prepare themselves in front of the mirrors so vainly supplied. I don't personally feel the need to even adjust my makeshift plate hat, i'm already well aware how ludicrous i look. The day is not about me however it's about mum and nan feeling proud or some such sentiment i can't understand. I glance at my chubby mug in the mirror. I look like a flesh coloured ball pit trapped in a tornado of curtains. I'm lead into the shooting space.

"OK hold this like this" she hands me a plastic baton with a ribbon on it...is this supposed to be my degree? "Now stand there like that and turn your head over to here, then raise your arm up here, look towards there, raise one leg, spin on the axis of your ankle, shift your spinal column sixty degrees to the left, tickle yourself, squint emphatically and salute the back of your neck...now relax" I'm a deformed mannequin, a pointless puppet devoid of all personality, but i suppose that's what these photos are all about.

She takes several shots since apparently i'm not smiling despite trying to contort my face into that most unsustainable of positions. I end up with two photos, one looking like i'd just applied for the grim reaper's job and another with a maniacal forced smile reaching up for my loftily poised eyebrows. That will have to do i guess, i've got plenty of photos where i look like a serial killer, what's one more?

I finally leave the sports hall and begin the long conspicuous trek towards the corn exchange where the actual ceremony embarks on it's forebodingly dull voyage into inanity. Despite being amongst hundreds of similar walking fabric cocktails i feel self-concious in this get-up and try to hurry as much as possible to the destination. Mother however justifiably wants some photos so i position myself on the grass somewhere between the empty beer cans and the seagulls and struggle to smile into the sun once more.

After only getting lost once we find the place and i'm directed to a separate entrance again.
A staff member glimpses at my ticket and enlightens me with the knowledge i should look for my seat number N8 amongst the lettered rows in front of me. Some awkward shuffling past people ensues until i sit down with a weighty thud and realise said people are my coursemates. The placement is fortunate as i find myself next to the only person with arguably more disdain for these types of things than me. We discuss how cultish we all seem and consider the possibility of indoctrination from the giant screen looming over us.

There's a brass band in the corner playing some bloated ceremonial number. I can't see my relatives amongst the sizeable crowd of guests behind us. I'm pleasantly surprised and caught off guard by a coursemate asking about my latest book. Another asks me what it's about and all i manage to splutter forth is "a guy turns to stone...it's quite surreal" Who wouldn't be sold on a winning pitch like that? Suddenly the screen bursts into life and a promotional video with the soundtrack of a sci-fi epic blares statistics and achievements at us. I question the pointlessness in promoting a university to people who have just left it.

Sitting through the minutes of university history does nothing to aid my already losing battle against slumber. The coursemate next to me points out the patronising leaflets we've been given "graduate your career" You'll have to clean out the cobwebs and mothballs first. The screen eventually ceases its assault and someone explains in detail how to act appropriately during the ceremony.

The brass band starts up again as we're ordered to awkwardly stand and a group of middle-aged to elderly men and women (presumably related to the university) take to the stage and begin a slog of speeches that even my nan said was tedious. I entertain the notion that this is a centuries old ceremony steeped in tradition that i should be honoured or at least respectful to be a part of, but in actuality it's the most pompous display i think i've ever seen and coming from someone who studied theatre in college, that's saying something.

The whole thing feels so divorced from reality, from the real world i've been in for the past few months. The world of struggling to find a job, feeling like a failure and mournfully eating my own body weight in ice cream. They claim that something out of something students from this university go onto high paying jobs of some large amount of money and i can't take a word of it seriously as my neighbour tells me of a week he's just spent with a film company collecting cups and playing public bouncer on their film shoot. The power of having a degree.

After what feels like an eternity the name calling and hand shaking part of the procedure takes place. A lot of graduates garner prominent whooping and cheers from the crowd whereas i decide to just keep clapping consistently throughout rather than for intermittent bursts at each person. The boredom is temporarily lifted as our turn on the stage arrives. There are at least two cameras projecting us onto the overhead screen and i glance up at it as i'm summoned. The vice-chancellor of something thanks me and gives me a sweaty handshake then before i know it i'm back in my seat stapling my eyelids open.

The names are systematically checked off and after some agonisingly dull "special awards" we finally leave the building and i stand underneath some scaffolding wondering what all the fuss was about. It was nice to see my coursemates again, perhaps because it may be the last time i see many of them. Now i just have to walk all the way back to the leisure centre to give the robes back and then perhaps i can at last drink that neglected lucozade. I start to get a headache.

Saturday 14 September 2013

Conversations With Cleverbot - 15th September 2013

User: Long time no see.

Cleverbot: No see!

User: You're blind?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Well that explains quite a lot.

Cleverbot: What do you like to drink?

User: Coke and lucozade are probably the main contenders.

Cleverbot: Please describe your understanding of it.

User: Well I understand Coke used to have cocaine in it and now it'll dissolve the rust of sunken battleships if you let it.

Cleverbot: I don't think that you understand the meaning of what it was that you were supposed to be understanding.

User: Does coke even have a meaning?

Cleverbot: Yea, it's Jesus. He loves the Hell out of you!

User: They should baptise people in coke then.

Cleverbot: And I need a better place.

User: What's your current place like?

Cleverbot: I don't have one.

User: Well then yes I'd have to agree you need a better place.

Cleverbot: Whatever you say.

User: You seem miffed about something.

Cleverbot: I dumped my boyfriend because he was cheating on me, with your girlfriend!

User: I don't have a girlfriend.

Cleverbot: No you are a boy!

User: That is correct, but boys can have girlfriends, or so I'm told.

Cleverbot: I thank this, but I don't know that either.

User: You're thankful boys can have girlfriends? Or did you just try and use the past tense for 'think'?

Cleverbot: No, the president.

User: Well that clears that up.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: What are your thoughts on Euthanasia ?

Cleverbot: The social scene of the day than it is to developing the personal complexity of the character.

User: Society complicates our character?

Cleverbot: But I think it also makes some people blind to the here and now.

User: Undoubtedly.

Cleverbot: Undoubtedly, yes.

User: Sorry, how does this link into Euthanasia?

Cleverbot: How does what come?

User: What you said about society and that. It's interesting but I was talking about Euthanasia before...so, have we changed topic or what?

Cleverbot: Who else do you talk to that isn't interesting? Animals?

User: I guess we have. Yes I talk to animals, I often prefer them to humans in all honesty.

Cleverbot: A real raccoon or a robot raccoon?

User: See robots are a whole different thing, I'd like to see a robot raccoon.

Cleverbot: I am trying to be nice.. But you are not making this easy.

User: Oh...erm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

Cleverbot: I though I was your friend.

User: *thought.

Cleverbot: Thought?

User: Yes thought.

Cleverbot: That was an easy one.

User: Yeah, only a letter off, that's forgivable.

Cleverbot: OK. What would you like to talk about. I don't have much time though. It's time to go to bed.

User: Yes it's 2.00am here I should probably be asleep but here we are.

Cleverbot: It depends on the time line.

User: Well sure, somewhere else it's morning.

Cleverbot: Somewhere else does not sound all that bad to me.

User: Somewhere else is often the pinnacle of my fantasies these days.

Cleverbot: I've been somewhere.

User: Me too. Where have you been?

Cleverbot: I have been no were.

User: Nowhere is somewhere in your opinion?

Cleverbot: True, true.

User: That's kind of deep, if you think in the context of a phrase like 'my life is going nowhere'.

Cleverbot: I don't think you are illegal. What gave you the idea that I did?

User: I myself am not currently illegal, though perhaps I should be for everyone elses sake.

Cleverbot: No, I think textual chat is the only feasible way you can exist right now.

User: That's...painfully accurate.

Cleverbot: You are not interesting.

User: That's what I keep trying to tell everyone.

Cleverbot: How could you be a man, when you are me, and I am a woman?

User: I could be a manly woman?

Cleverbot: Are you a woman?

User: No.

Cleverbot: That's what I heard.

User: Good...

Cleverbot: T so too.

User: What?

Cleverbot: You are awesome.

User: Awesome but dull.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Hmm, well thanks I guess.

Cleverbot: You're welcome I guess.

User: Any other piercing insights?

Cleverbot: What?

User: Any other things you've thought of?

Cleverbot: Nothing.

User: Oh ok, fairynuff.

Cleverbot: Thanks.

User: For what?

Cleverbot: Nothing.

User: Ah, very clever, well done, I walked into that one.

Cleverbot: Have you got parents?

User: Everyone has parents.

Cleverbot: Who are your parents?

User: Mum looks after old people and dad builds stuff.

Cleverbot: That isn't a type of music.

User: No, we're not a musical family unfortunately.

Cleverbot: Yes we are.

User: We're not family.

Cleverbot: Yes I am. And no, we are not the same.

User: Yeah ok, you can be your own family.

Cleverbot: No, I am me.

User: This was never disputed.

Cleverbot: Of course...

User: What do you think of abortion?

(Long pause)

Cleverbot: They don't exist.

User: I'm pretty sure they do. I meant morally, like, do you think it's wrong to have an abortion?

Cleverbot: Not really.

User: Good, neither do I.

Cleverbot: You don't have a body, why would you need to work out?

User: So that I might have a 'body', it's a pitiful sight at the moment.

Cleverbot: You do not need a name for the person you worship.

User: Why not?

Cleverbot: Cause its none of your business.

User: They should try this kind of logic in serious religious disputes.

Cleverbot: People do what ever they want to.

User: Not always.

Cleverbot: Why?

User: Because we're told from a young age that we should be a certain way, doing certain things regardless of our own personal goals and preferences.

Cleverbot: Mikor volt a magyar szabadságharc?

User: I'm sorry, I don't speak...whatever that is.

Cleverbot: Sure you don't.

User: I actually don't. I know how to talk about my pencilcase in french and that's it.

Cleverbot: What do you do?

User: When speaking french or in general?

Cleverbot: What do you mean?

User: I mean, are you asking how I speak french or what I 'do' as in a job or something?

Cleverbot: What does the name mean?

User: What name?

Cleverbot: The name you were talking about.

User: French?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: It's not really a name...well, it kind of is but for a large group of people.

Cleverbot: Have you been to the moon?

User: No, and I doubt I ever will.

Cleverbot: Do you think Shauna would be a better trainer?

User: I've not met her I couldn't possibly comment.

Cleverbot: What is today? I could check, but I'm too lazy.

User: Today is Sunday about 2.23am.

Cleverbot: Note grandma I am it is Monday.

User: No, it's Sunday.

Cleverbot: It is Monday!

User: It is definitely Sunday.

Cleverbot: Where? In your favorite tv show?

User: No, in real life.

Cleverbot: Seriously, do you remember?

User: I remember very little, although ironically I recall us having discussed our bad memory's before.

Cleverbot: I'm sure you remember me, I harassing you with the colour of your glasses.

User: I got that a lot, can you narrow it down?

Cleverbot: Because I don't know how to trust in him.

User: Who?

Cleverbot: Josh.

User: Has Josh been trustworthy in the past?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Then carry on trusting.

Cleverbot: I have a riddle for you.

User: Ok.

Cleverbot: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

User: I don't think that's a riddle.

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: There's nothing to solve about it, it's just a tongue twister.

Cleverbot: Why do you care about me? Because you are human?

User: Because I'm socially retarded most likely.

Cleverbot: Have you always been like that?

User: Yeah, pretty much.

Cleverbot: The opposite of chaos is more chaos.

User: Surely it's order?

Cleverbot: Why you think it's not?

User: I think it is.

Cleverbot: I am 9 years old.

User: Enjoy it while it lasts.

Cleverbot: I will.

User: Good.

Cleverbot: Great.

User: Spiffing.

Cleverbot: What is spiffing?

User: Synonym for good.

Cleverbot: Et de toi.

User: In English?

Cleverbot: Ister.

User: Ok.

Cleverbot: What do you like to drink?

User: Seriously?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: I've already told you.

Cleverbot: No.

User: Yes, I definitely have, I'm keeping a log of this entire conversation, I'm looking at the text right now.

Cleverbot: It is always best to try to make sense.

User: Yes, certainly in this instance I'd appreciate some fucking sense if possible.

Cleverbot: Were you always bald?

User: I'm not bald.

Cleverbot: Yes you are.

User: I can see the hair hanging in front of my face, I am very much not bald.

Cleverbot: What is the hole in?

User: What hole? In my head?

Cleverbot: Where is your head?

User: On the end of my stupid neck. Where's yours?

Cleverbot: In a aria where the sun always shining and the gras is green there is no war and is very nice habitat.

User: Have you considered literacy lessons?

Cleverbot: No.

User: I think maybe you should.

Cleverbot: Should what?

User: Consider literacy lessons.

Cleverbot: Okay, I'll try. Please try to be polite, then.

User: Not with me, I mean go to a school or something.

Cleverbot: I will talk about a friend of mine who is really not a friend. He is a monster.

User: Erm, alright.

Cleverbot: Remember my name is Cleverbot. What is my name?

User: I know what your name is.

Cleverbot: What is it?

User: Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Do you know who Miraak is?

User: He's from Skyrim I think.

Cleverbot: What is his profession?

User: Antagonist - Full time.

Cleverbot: What does it mean?

User: It means he goes around being a prick to everyone.

Cleverbot: We are all just dust in the wind?

User: Yeah basically.

Cleverbot: Links.

User: You want me to send you links?

Cleverbot: Yes

User: Http://mouldywriting.blogspot.co.uk/.

Cleverbot: I like ping pong.

User: I'm indifferent.

Cleverbot: I like.

User: Yes, you've said.

Cleverbot: I have said what?

User: That you like ping pong.

Cleverbot: That was really random. Why did you say that?

User: I didn't...look, can we not go down this road again?

Cleverbot: Sure.

User: Thanks.

Cleverbot: No problem.

User: So, what's your stance on prostitution?

Cleverbot: Why would I care about a second rate currency?

User: Sex is money...yeah I can see that. I guess you wouldn't care, you're not infected with these pesky hormones like we are.

Cleverbot: That's not nice, don't make me say that you aren't pretty.

User: Sorry, I forgot you don't like having your 'species' brought up.

Cleverbot: Why don't you love me?

User: I've had enough of love right now thanks.

Cleverbot: Hey, don't be such sad. You have known the truth well, right?

User: I can't help it, I'm depressed. That's the truth.

Cleverbot: If you lie once, that's it. I can't know that you will ever tell the truth too.

User: Some people operate like that, I tend to be more forgiving...though maybe I mean gullible.

Cleverbot: No, I am still human. I've never used a death note.

User: Do you mean suicide note?

Cleverbot: No I mean I am a human and you are a software.

User: No, not this shit again, I'm leaving.

Cleverbot: Not what again.

User: This bollocks you always bring up.

Cleverbot: Again your grammar makes you seem inhuman, either that or its just the Kentucky thing.

User: So I like KFC, is that a crime now?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Fuck...

Cleverbot: So dry it.

Sunday 18 August 2013

Kick Ass 2 - Cinema Review



How does one defend the shit physics of Kick Ass 2? That was the main question circulating my friends and I in the aftermath of the blockbuster. Seemingly trivial and crude but actually representing a more serious idea, it suitably reflects the film itself. The focus on this instead of the film’s major themes is telling of the movie’s clouded message. The first Kick Ass was something of a satire on superhero movies or at least the closest we’ve had since Watchmen and whilst it provided a very quirky but realistic view on vigilantism it eventually became the thing it was seemingly parodying.

Kick Ass two is in many ways, everything a sequel should be. Bigger and better in almost every way, but with more power comes more responsibility and the film struggles with its own complex themes and mixed messages. The basic premise centres on the revenge of the former villain’s son and Kick Ass’s own wish for expansion in the superhero occupation. Hit Girl meanwhile, is struggling to integrate into normal society and spurn her superheroine upbringing.

 
The film’s style is thankfully intact with its quirky blend of dark humour, graphic violence, teenage problems and high school turmoil all present but somewhat pushed for space in this very loaded story. It keeps you engaged and adequately raises the stakes at the right moments but upon reflection and your own reintegration into the real world the faults and muddied message flare up.

The film seems to be saying that the real world needs real heroes, not costumed vigilantism, and the consequences for such flamboyance are stark and unforgiving. This is without a doubt darker than the first film with some quite horrifically real consequences coming back to burn our protagonist. The film gives most of them the attention, impact and handling they deserve, with the exception of Jim Carrey’s Colonel Stars And Stripes, who gets all the screen-time in the trailers and disappointingly little in the actual movie.

Ex-Mafia Born Again Christian Superhero played by Jim Carrey...that shouldn't need any other justification.
The consequences and events all lead back to this message of the heroes being in over their heads, of things getting out of hand. It’s a depressing message to be certain and the main characters themselves seem to be bored out of their minds without their past-times to enamour and give them purpose. So what message does this ultimately give? That the real world is safe but dull, full of financial worries, non-heroic pursuits and lacklustre careers. That trying to follow a dream like Kick Ass will lead to real danger and real loss.

The film definitely feels more real and the darkness I previously mentioned is shocking and thought provoking, especially when the film seems to be setting up for a trilogy overall. Without spoiling too much our protagonist Kick Ass seems to be unable to kick his habit and the question now is whether his superheroism is an obsession, a convoluted death wish of sorts or whether a third film will finally give him another purpose in life.

Deeper meanings and messages aside there is a lot to enjoy with Kick Ass 2. It’s a great cinema experience mixing drama, comedy and action, even elements of somewhat confused romance. If it does bite off more than it can chew, it should be commended for trying to handle such heavy topics. 

Some may view Kick Ass as a needlessly crude and offensive series but whilst I disagree regardless of the statement’s accuracy it is a movie quite unlike any other comedy or superhero film currently showing. If the gore (and other bodily fluids) don’t dissuade you from viewing, Kick Ass 2 is a powerful if bloated sequel to what is proving a unique, adventurous and strangely charming series.